


Primary Care (a.k.a. the Poundcake ficlet collection)

by spoky



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-09-27 01:58:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 62,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9945341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spoky/pseuds/spoky
Summary: DISCLAIMER: This story is RPF, meaning that I use the star image of real people to tell a completely fictional story. It's not meant to offend or insult anyone. Please do not share my fiction with the people I write about on social media or otherwise. Thank you. (For full disclaimer, please see my profile.)Alaska falls apart. Katya puts her back together. That one evening initiates a series of events that eventually constitute and define 'primary care'. Inspired by Alaska's album 'Poundcake'.





	1. It Is What It Is

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This fic came to me one drunken night. I’m a huge fan of all queens, but Alaska and Katya are the ones that have been able to steal my heart and in some fucked up way I think they would be great together. Yes, this is the same Primary Care you've possibly read on tumblr, except that this version has less mistakes. Hopefully.

Katya had felt it coming but to actually see the Queen of Snakes curled up in a corner in smudged makeup and in half-drag was not pretty. There were traces of Alaska on Justin, but the attitude and confidence of the queen had melted away immediately after The After Show had been recorded.

Justin was tired, they all were, and Katya got that. It was not, however, the best tactic to let someone wallow in self-pity and self-hatred when they still had two gigs left before going home to the US. What Justin needed was the strength and confidence of Alaska to get through of it all. Katya was 120% certain of it. Detox’s gentle words and friendly support would not pull the 49th state out of her misery. Katya sighed and grabbed her bag, somewhere in the bottom there was the wig she needed to put an end to global warming.

Katya grabbed her mp3-player and found the album she rarely listened to but knew would be part of their show and therefore owned. She picked the last song and put it on repeat, she had no idea how long this would take, but she was not going to fail. Not this time.

In her heels Katya walked to Detox and Justin, still curled up together in the corner.

‘Matthew’ Katya called and knew she would get Detox’s attention with her given name. Detox would understand she was serious. Still in full drag Detox looked up to Katya who signed Detox to move aside, she would handle it.

Detox nodded and squeezed sobbing Alaska once more. ‘I love you, we all love you.’

Katya rolled her eyes. It was a lie. Sure, a lot of people loved Alaska but at least equal amount of people hated her guts, each for their own reasons: because ‘Hieeee!’ was really a tired ass catchphrase; because Alaska supposedly cheated on Sharon; because Alaska stole the crown from Katya; because Alaska was not Adore Delano; because Alaska was a sore loser and just because Alaska was, well, Alaska.

Katya knew that all of those things were not enough to hate Alaska, even less to hate Justin Honard and right at this moment, this young man in front of him was falling apart. It was the same story as during Drag Race season 5 and All Stars 2, no one had ever walked into either competition with as much pressure and expectation as Alaska Thunderfuck, and few had had similarly spectacular meltdowns.

Alaska was a perfectionist who turned trash into treasure but in order to do that one had to first find or generate trash. Katya had seen it over and over again during Alaska’s career. Justin was talented, but haunted by his own insecurity - just like Brian. Moreover, Justin made the mistake of expecting perfection, a thing Brian never expected from Katya. Katya was allowed mistakes; something Justin didn’t tolerate from Alaska.

Katya pushed Justin’s knees down and promptly sat on his lap. Due to the shock Justin had no time to protest and Katya proceeded to stuff earphones into Justin’s ears. She pressed play and could hear the slow humming start of ‘It is what it is’. Katya was certain Justin would not be able to hear anything beyond the music.

Katya lifted Justin’s face and pressed a small kiss on his lips, eyes open and focused on the younger man. Justin stared, confused. He seemed completely lost. Katya smiled and lifted the long platinum blond wig on Justin’s head to bring out the features of Alaska. The snake queen seemed completely lost on what was happening and watched in confusion as Katya proceeded to style the hair more Alaska-like. Katya combed and pinned the hair to the best of her ability. She dropped tiny kisses on Alaska’s temple while working and kept humming the tune of the song playing in Alaska’s ears 

When Katya was finished, she stood up and then pulled Alaska up with her. She walked the taller queen to the make-up table and with couple of practiced foundation brushes fixed the catastrophe of makeup on Alaska’s face. Working in complete silence Katya fixed the queen’s eyeshadow and erased the traces of all tears.

Alaska could just stare as her makeup was brought back to the previous glory. It calmed her and the insecurities of Justin Honard, while not completely healed, were momentarily hidden. She glanced to Katya and gave the Russian hooker a small smile. Katya winked back and wiggled her ass. Alaska chuckled.

When Katya was finished, Justin had been buried under a thick layer of foundation and a re-discovered self-confidence.

‘Thank you,’ Alaska said to Katya, who nodded in approval.

‘Anytime, honey.’

Alaska raised her eyebrow. ‘What makes you think I’m not taking you up on that?’

Katya burst out laughing and then smirked. ‘Oh, I’m counting on it.’

Katya gave final supportive squeeze to Alaska’s shoulder and started to walk toward the door, she really needed a cigarette.

‘Brian’, Alaska called and Katya was little taken aback by the use of her boy-name but turned nonetheless.

‘Yes?’

 ‘Thank you’, Alaska repeated in a tone where no Alaska was to be detected, it was pure Justin.

Katya recomposed herself and with the most sincerity she could muster, answered: ‘I meant it the first time. _Anytime_ , honey.’


	2. High

Neon sticks, smell of vodka, people bumping into each other, outrageous dance moves, a familiar tune... _Now sissy that walk!_  
  
Justin stood in the crowd and sipped his Becks Blue. The show had thus far been excellent and the idea to wear a mask to the party had worked as planned. Only the bouncer had any inkling that he was in the club, watching _her_ . They had started as rivals, which had quickly been replaced with friendship, which then had progressed into a small interest and now could be accused of being a full blown obsession. He would of course never admit to it, but to pay entrance fee to a show he knew he could get into free, just in order to hide his presence, was rather pathetic. Even for him. Maybe not as earth shatteringly mortifying as watching old youtube clips of Alaska drunk on stage, in the worst case scenario sucking Sharon’s cock - but somewhere on those lines. Justin shook his head to banish the flashbacks and focused to study  the audience instead.  
  
She’d gathered quite a turnout. The club was full and everyone seemed to be at good spirits, excluding the blasé twink behind the bar.  
  
‘... and then it fell! It fell! Can you imagine!’

Justin recognised the voice easily, especially as the person was practically yelling into his ear.  
  
‘Sorry sorry, excuuuse me. Can I pass? We need to get to the-’  
  
Justin squeezed himself to the wall, but knowing Violet the extra ten centimeters provided would not make her happy.  
  
‘Darling, can I call you darling? You really need to step asi-’  
  
Violet stared at Justin and then smirked. ‘Pearl! Come here bitch! I found us a bear!’  
  
Justin swore silently.  
  
Pearl arrived similarly to Violet in full drag. Just 15 minutes ago the pair had been on stage, what were they doing in the crowd?  
  
‘Bear? I’m really not into bears, why do you- oh! That’s more like a teddy.’  
  
Pearl and Violet examined Justin’s mask in fascination.

‘That’s really appropriate for this show, you know, bears are Russia’s national animal.’

Violet turned to Pearl. ‘Seriously? How the fuck do you know shit like that?’

Pearl shrugged. ‘Long story bitch.’  
  
Violet chuckled. ‘Well then, Teddy, you coming? We need to get drinks.’  
  
Justin shrugged. Think! Think fast! Did he want to be exposed? He was going to get exposed. Maybe if he just came clean now? Maybe if… Could he try a different voice? Would the two queens be drunk enough not to recognise him? Not Alaska, something else, a higher voice, something boyish, speak quickly rather than drawl, use language Alaska and Justin wouldn’t.  
  
‘Alllrighty’then.’ Justin said cheerily and grimaced. What in Michelle Visage’s name was wrong with him? That was awful!

Violet grinned and grabbed Justin’s hand. ‘This way!’  
  
Pearl pushed Justin from the shoulders and together the three arrived to the bar.

‘Two rum and cokes and a-’, Violet turned to Justin, who shook his head and lifted his half full Becks to indicate he didn’t need anything. ‘Two rum and cokes.’ Violet repeated to the blasé twink, who rolled his eyes.

The music quieted down and people started to fidget to see the stage better.  

‘Oh, second act,’ Pearl noted.  
  
‘It’s not like we need to be ready, we’re done,’ Violet said raising her eyebrow.  
  
‘I promised to help out at the back. Give me that,’ Pearl grabbed one of the drinks that had just arrived and hurried back to backstage.  
  
‘Bitch’, Violet noted and sighed. ‘Well, it’s just you and me, Justin - just you and me.’  
  
Justin choked to his Becks. ‘There there, no reason to die on me,’ Violet smirked.

Justin took a deep breath after his coughing fit. ‘You knew?’  
  
‘Never have I ever seen a guy in a gay club drinking a nonalcoholic beer while wearing a ridiculous animal mask - no, wait, I have, namely Alaska.’

Justin had to admit Violet had a point.

‘Also the bouncer is a friend and might have mentioned it.’  
  
That made more sense.

‘Pearl knew too?’  
  
‘Yup!’ Violet smirked and took a sip of his drink. ‘Why else would we risk coming into the crowd, we wanted to say hieeee!’ Justin sighed in defeat.  
  
‘You do realise that in backstage you could see her dancing half-naked?’ Violet asked but refused to turn her gaze from the stage where Katya Zamolodchikova had just started her number of ‘All that Jazz’.  
  
Justin decided not to respect the comment with a reply. What could he even answer to that? That he knew, and that it was exactly why he avoided the backstage whenever possible? Because of Katya half-naked Zamolodchikova. And yes, he could pronounce and spell Zamolodchikova now, thank you very much.  
  
‘Look, it’s none of my business but-’  
  
‘No, it’s really not,’ Justin interrupted Violet who took immediate offence. Justin could see it on her face - and to be honest, she probably just wanted to help. Justin sighed: ‘Sorry.’  
  
‘Mm.’  
  
A long and awkward silence surrounded the pair. Katya bounced on the stage like a duracell bunny and Justin knew he had to offer Violet some type of peace offering.  
  
‘It’s awkward,’ Justin started and Violet nodded her beautiful head once, indicating she was listening. ‘It’s lust and want and I haven’t been properly fucked for a while an-’  
  
‘And Katya is one of the rare tops in RuPaul’s Tupperware collection,’ Violet interrupted.  
  
Justin burst out a laugh. ‘Exactly.’ Not quite.  
  
‘Oh trust me, I get it girl. Just fuck him out of your system and then you can move on, that’s what I did.’  
  
Justin froze. In many occasions he had felt like strangling Violet fucking Chachki: when she pretended to have stolen Sharon’s crown, when she acted like a privileged prat on season 7, when her overflowing confidence showed Justin exactly how shaky his own was, but none of those times compared to the feeling of wanting to jump the younger queen right at this very moment and claw her eyes out. Justin forced himself to relax. Jealousy was such an ugly feeling.  
  
‘Oh yeah?’ he asked and placed his now empty bottle of Becks Blue on the bar.  
  
‘Yeah, and don’t get me wrong, he’s amazing. Very attentive. But like, way too old. There was no real connection, like at all.’  
  
Justin chuckled. Old indeed. Well maybe for the baby primadonna in front of him Katya seemed ancient. For Justin, well, not so much.  
  
‘I’ll remember that.’  
  
Violet nodded in approval. ‘Look, I think you should just chill, she’s a slut, just ask, she’ll do you - and if not, you can always pay her,’ Violet laughed at her own joke and Justin rolled his eyes. ‘Here.’  
  
Justin glanced down to the open pack of cigarettes Violet was offering him. They looked suspiciously wonky.  
  
‘My treat,’ the young queen smiled. ‘I know you appreciate the natural remedies.’ Justin nodded and picked one of the ‘cigarettes’. It would be pleasant company while walking back to the hotel.  
  
‘Thanks.’  
  
‘No problem. Look, I’ll see you around. Don’t be a stranger.’  
  
Justin nodded and watched Violet disappear after Pearl. What a night.  
  
It was chilly outside when Justin stepped out of the club. There was barely anyone on the streets and the bright lights of advertisements lighted the dark wet asphalt. He lit the joint Violet had given him and started to walk toward his hotel just couple of blocks away. It really was amazing how happy he felt after just seeing her from afar. To see her energy and hear her humour. To know that underneath, it was really him. The sexiest bisexual Russian hooker Justin had had the pleasure to meet.  
  
He reached his hotel room and opened the curtains to be faced with a beautiful dawn. The sun was playing with the damp scenery and everywhere sparkled like small diamonds. Justin was relaxed and happy and calm and considered the view - it really was breathtaking. Almost exactly as beautiful as the alluring creature that had danced on the stage tonight in her prostitute red boots and messy platinum bob. Justin started laughing at his own train of thought.  
  
‘So hi-i-i-i-igh on the view, high oh the view,’ he sang spreading his arms wide. He really was baked.  
  
Couple of blocks away Brian McCook sat in front of a mirror and fiddled with his phone. He’d heard from Pearl that Justin had come to see their show, but had not come to backstage to say hello. Brian couldn’t figure out why. Why an earth had he not come to say hello?  
  
  
_I found the words to fight it_  
_The sweetest smelling ******violet**  
Like diamond to a dazzling ******pearl**  
Your scent intoxicates me_  
_While your **Visage** elates me_  
 _My universe before you unfurls_

 


	3. Race Chaser

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a not-completely-consensual sperm swapping scene in the end of this chapter. Just as a warning.

It was Alyssa’s idea to go out after the show. She supposedly knew the club, knew the staff; according to her, she was a regular and ‘there would be no trouble, they’re used to me bringing my girls there.’   
  
Brian was not entirely convinced, but as he saw others agreeing to the outing he nodded. Sure, why not, he could drink some Red Bull and go crazy. It wasn’t like there was a shortage of  gogo-juice in the dressing room. Actually, there seemed to be a can on every free surface.   
  
‘You’re not toning that down?’ Brian asked Alaska, who was fixing her eyeshadow rather than getting rid of it.  

‘Oh, but I did!’ Alaska drawled in fake shock and lifted her left foot on Brian’s lap. 

Brian chuckled when he realised that instead of heels Alaska was wearing black sneakers.    
  
‘Riiiiight! I can totally see it now.’    
  
‘U’huh,’ Alaska nodded in approval and took some light dance steps. Brian shook his head.    
  
At least Roy and Justin were out of drag while others seemed to prefer to leave traces of the queens on themselves. Alaska was, however, the only one that had not made any effort to give Justin space  tonight. Adore was dancing with Detox near the entrance; both were wearing skirts and wigs, but other than that they seemed to have changed into their boy personas. Brian glanced to Alaska who seemed to be in her own world, still dancing in front of the mirror.    
  
‘Well, just keep safe, ok?’ Brian said to Alaska, who was, truthfully speaking, wearing very little. It might have been a gay club, but it was Texas, and Brian knew he was being a judgemental prick, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that going out in full drag was a bad idea. 

Alaska stopped dancing and smirked. ‘You just don’t want anyone to see my fabulous body.’ 

She posed provocatively next to Brian and reached to the back of his chair for the red jacket that was hanging there. To Brian it looked like a reverse striptease when Alaska slithered her way into the jacket to cover her black bra and otherwise naked upper body. Slowly she pulled up the zipper, revealing the white RUSSIA print, and then blew a kiss to Brian before slurping loudly. Brian burst out laughing and immediately afterwards hit his forehead to the table in front of him.    
  
‘I’m so fucking horny!’

‘Lucky you, I saw some trade out there,’ Justin commented from the sofas behind Brian and Alaska and popped his mouth in a very Edwards fashion. 

‘Let’sgoLet’sgoLet’sgo,’ Adore singsonged and Roy threw her a nasty look.

‘Bitch, act your age. This place is serving no formula at this hour.’

Adore chuckled and stuck her right thumb into her mouth. ‘I’ve got something else for you to suck if you’re so keen.’ Roy said with a raised eyebrow and the whole room laughed. 

Brian stood up and took a last look at his outfit for the night.    
  
‘Gooorgeous’, Alaska drawled and winked at Brian through the mirror. Brian rolled his eyes and decided that despite his receding hairline, he looked alright. Definitely not ‘gorgeous’ like Alaska wanted to insist, but alright. Alright was good.

‘Now, let’s get la’haaaid!’ Brian announced to the room and the group abandoned the backstage for a better beat, more drinks and darker lighting.    


  
  
* * *

 

Brian had been talking to the handsome latino for at least three songs and every single time Alaska glanced at the pair they were getting somehow more intimate. 

‘Howdy snakey,’ came a drunken greeting from Alaska’s right, and as she turned to look, Detox promptly slumped down to the seat next to her at their VIP booth. With her Detox had a blond handsome thing and on her cheeks she was wearing the radiant after-glow of sex. The blond handsome thing was evidently enthralled by the tall Queen of Neon, as he did not seem to pay any attention to the other people at the sofas.

Alaska politely greeted the blond handsome thing and glanced back to Brian.    
  
‘Isn’t that Ricky Martin Jr.?’ Detox asked and Alaska turned to face her.    
  
‘Elaborate?’    
  
‘Ah, it was Roxxxy. She had some gigs in Houston and we went around a bit. She hooked up with Ricky Jr. right there, but like, it was just for a while,’ Detox explained and then turned her full attention back to the blond handsome thing. Alaska rolled her eyes and glanced back to Brian, just to see him walking the latino toward their booth. Shit. 

‘Everyone, this is Carlos, Carlos, this is everyone’, Brian introduced the young man when they arrived. Alaska nodded in greeting but took immediate dislike to the latino. He really did  resemble a young Ricky Martin, Rotox’s nickname for the boy made perfect sense.

‘Wow, you’re really handsome, aren’t you!’ Adore noted, pulled the latino down to the sofa next to her and thrusted an empty champagne glass to his hand. Brian proceeded to grab the last champagne bottle from the table, but found it already empty.    
  
‘Darn,’ he swore and people around him groaned. Someone would have to go back to the bar. ‘Want a drink?’ Brian asked Carlos who nodded and smiled up at Brian. ‘Won’t be a minute,’ Brian said, flashed a cheeky grin and turned to walk back to the bar. 

‘Wait up,’ Alaska called. She wasn’t entirely sure what made her do it, but she had to. She had to make sure that Brian knew what he was getting himself into. ‘I need cigarettes.’

Brian nodded and offered Alaska his arm like a proper gentleman. They walked to the VIP bar through the crowd and Brian ordered a vodka-cranberry and a cranberry juice. He then turned to Alaska and before she had a chance even to order her cigarettes Brian started his praise for Ricky Jr.    
  
‘Gorgeous, isn’t he? Fucking hot. Fuckable hotness, hottable fuckness. I can’t wait to be buried into that ass. Like, who cares if he’s seen me on TV, right? He’s not like a  _ real  _ fan, and even if he were, so what? No one looking like that would ever offer were I not on TV. FUCK! Did you see him? If you can’t fuck your fans, who can you fuck, right?’ Brian rambled.

The drinks arrived and Alaska turned to the bartender to order her cigarettes. The order was quick. She paid and turned back to Brian, who now stood a couple of steps away, his back towards her. 

‘I’m done. Look, we ne-’ Alaska’s comment froze to mid-air when she saw Brian’s shocked expression. He was holding a drink in each of his hands and stared to the direction of the VIP booth. Alaska turned to look over her shoulder and saw Ricky Martin Jr. sharing a heated kiss with Adore, who straddled on his lap. Alaska glanced back to Brian whose expression had changed from shocked to disappointed, almost self-loathing. That would not do.    
  
Alaska took a step forward, pressed her half-foam, half-cotton breasts to Brian’s chest, stretched her arms over his shoulders and pulled him into an earth-shattering kiss. At least she hoped it was as such. That was what she was aiming for after all. She held absolutely nothing back. She then pulled back and cleaned Brian’s face from lipstick by wiping it into her sleeve, well, Brian’s own sleeve actually. Shellshocked, Brian just stared at her in disbelief. When he opened his mouth to say something Alaska quickly pressed her left index finger onto his lips.    
  
‘Sh!’ the Queen of Snakes commanded with attitude.    
  
She took a step back and bended to taste the drinks Brian was holding. The drink on the left tasted like vodka, so Alaska grabbed that one and took Brian’s hand to her own. She gave Brian absolutely no time to form a reaction or a coherent sentence and determinedly lead the gobsmacked blond to the dance floor.    
  
On the dance floor Alaska turned back to Brian and placed her right arm on his left shoulder. She traced his jawline with her nails and took a sip of the cranberry-vodka.    
  
‘I thought you didn’t drink,’ Brian noted, confused.    
  
‘I’m not on the PROWgraamme!’ Alaska answered, smirked and stuffed her pack of cigarettes into Brian’s rear pocket.    
  
‘Dance with me,’ Alaska whispered into Brian’s ear and put into work every single thing she had ever seen or learned about slutty dancing. It was time to make Mr. McCook forget he had ever laid his eyes on Ricky Martin Jr.    


  
  
* * *

 

Brian was staring at Alaska, who had just taken dance steps Brian knew for certain did not come to her naturally. Her wide hips grinded over his already interested cock and then she was gone, behind him, and pressing her lips to his neck, sending chills down his entire upper body. The music was pounding in his ears.    
  
_ She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before  
_ _ Nothing you can compare to your neighborhood hoe  
_ _ I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful _   
  
‘Christ,’ Brian swore and decided to play the game. It was obvious what Alaska was trying to achieve. To make him forget the latino, and she wasn’t doing a half bad job at it.  __ Give credit when credit is due , Brian decided and pulled Alaska to him. Her waist felt even smaller than it looked and when Brian ran his fingers over her collarbone the queen seemed to vibrate under his touch.    
  
Brian grabbed her firmer and let the beat carry them. Fuck. He wanted to fuck. Needed to fuck - and to fuck her for that matter. He could feel his erection grow and was sure it hadn’t gone unnoticed by Alaska either. Shit. Alaska’s plan was really shitty. He was hard as a rock and he really needed to go beat it. Now.   
  
‘Come,’ Alaska whispered into his ear and Brian was wondering whether that meant to follow or just to come, into his pants. In all honesty he probably would have been happy with either. Alaska was, however, pulling his hand and where his hand was going, maybe he should be going too. Towards backstage, into the dressing room and with more force than Brian had ever expected from a such a gangly guy as Justin Honard he was pushed against a white brick wall.    
  
Alaska kissed him hungrily on the mouth and then on the cheek, down to his neck, all the way down to his collarbone. She lifted his shirt and licked his right nipple.    
  
‘Fuck!’ Brian swore and hit the back of his head to the wall. Alaska was clearly smirking around her kisses. She then crouched in one practiced motion and pulled both layers of Brian’s pants down with her, jeans and boxers.    
  
‘Shit.’   
  
Brian couldn’t look. He knew what was coming. But oh, he just had to see it! Barely in time Brian lowered his eyes to see the red tip of his erected cock disappearing into Alaska’s mouth.    
  
‘Jesus fucking christ.’   
  
Brian grabbed Alaska’s hair and then immediately let go, he had no idea how well the wig was pinned on. Alaska’s mouth was hot, and wet, and he could feel every movement of her tongue. He could feel her sucking and caressing his balls. He could feel her breath on his skin and holy fucking christ! Brian squeezed his eyes shut and just felt Alaska’s skill and enthusiasm.    
  
Her hands were wandering on his ass and thighs while her tongue and mouth kept teasing,  licking and sucking every inch of Brian’s cock. He wanted nothing more than to grab her hair, take a tight hold and fuck that slutty mouth. But all ideas of taking control were abandoned as Alaska pressed his hips against the wall in a firm hold and started to mouth-fuck him - Brian didn’t know how otherwise to describe it. He was almost out and then the next moment he was so deep in Alaska’s mouth that he had no idea how she was even breathing.    
  
‘Fuck,fuck,fuck. Oh, fuck. Yes. Fuck!’    
  
Alaska hummed a tune around Brian’s cock and it was all too much. He squeezed his eyes shut.   
  
‘Shit. I’m gonna, ’mgonna...’ Brian was tapping Alaska’s shoulder franticly as a sign but the queen showed no signs of stopping. And then it was all too late, Brian was coming in spurts into her mouth.    
  
Silence.   
  
Brian tried desperately to catch his breath when suddenly slow clapping filled the room. Shit.

  
‘This might’ve been the closest I’ve ever come to watching straight porn,’ Roy said and Brian opened his eyes in horror. He regretted the decision immediately and hoped he’d had kept them shut. Instead of just Roy walking in on them, the entire crew had done so. Roy was standing at the doorway and supporting Adore, who obviously could not stand on her own. Detox, Justin and the blond handsome thing were all smirking and trying to get a better view of Brian and Alaska behind Roy and Adore. Detox was the one clapping.    
  
Brian covered himself out of habit, even if most of the audience had seen him naked multiple times. He glanced down to Alaska, who had lowered her chin so that Brian couldn’t see her expression.    
  
‘That was fucking brilliant!’ Adore declared drunkenly and pointed at Brian and Alaska.    
  
Brian grabbed his pants and pulled them up while Alaska stood up from the floor. Brian had no memory of when she had dropped to her knees. He had no idea what to say or do. The air in the room was thickening. Brian was trying to catch Alaska’s eyes to be able to read what he was supposed to do, but before he could do anything more than zip up his pants, Alaska had started walking towards the crew at the door.    
  
Alaska smiled sweetly to Adore, gave Roy a cheeky glance, grabbed Adore’s head on both sides and proceeded to kiss the intoxicated younger queen. Adore, due to her drunken state, was not prepared for what was coming and accepted the kiss.    
  
‘Ohmygod,’ Detox breathed in, in total disbelief and at the same instant Adore violently pushed Alaska back and yanked herself free from Roy. She spat a good amount of fresh semen onto the floor and stared first at the cum and then at Alaska in shock, disgust and disbelief - and only then it properly hit her.    
  
‘EWW! Yuckyuckyuck! Disgusting!’   
  
Adore ran to the nearest table, grabbed the first bottle of Red Bull she could reach, spurted it in her mouth and then spat that too onto the floor. She was visibly shaking.    
  
‘’Eww, eww, eww!! Why would you do that!? Eww!! Disgusting!’

Alaska had walked back to her original dressing table during Adore’s antics and was now slowly erasing her make-up. Roy was laughing so hard he was crying, Detox and the blond handsome thing were leaning to each other for support, and Justin was holding his sides out of laughter.    
  
‘Because, Adore, what goes around comes around,’ was Alaska’s simple reply.   
  
Brian couldn’t but to admire Alaska’s move. It was 80% hot and 20% disgusting. Exactly how he liked it. 

  
  
* * * 

  
  
It took a couple of days for Brian to finally have the courage to ask the others what had happened with Ricky Martin Jr.    
  
‘We left that race chaser hanging,’ was Roy’s icy comment.    
  
No one mentioned the latino ever again.


	4. Chicken

‘Hieee!’

‘Hi Alaska!’

‘Byeee!’

‘Hi, Alaska!’

‘Hi, Alaska!’

‘Hieee!’

‘Hi, Alaska!’

‘Hi, Alaska!’

‘Hieeee!’

‘Hi, Alaska!’

‘Hieee!’

‘Hi, Alaska!’

‘Hi, Alaska!’

‘Hi, Alaska!’

‘Hieeee!’  
  
Alaska closed the door behind her and leaned her forehead against it. People were exhausting. She was carrying a box of fries and a coke with her, the only things she had had time to grab. The set was swarming with people, familiar and strange, and she really just wanted some peace and quiet.  
  
She turned around and realised she was occupying a recording room with a huge desk with at least a zillion buttons on it, a computer, couple of chairs and huge darkened window. In front of the window there was a leather bench and she chose to sit on that rather than anywhere near the recording desk, just to be safe.  
  
She put her food down on the bench and looked through the window. On the other side there was a music room, but it was at least 10 feet lower than the recording studio where she was currently standing, probably for sound quality purposes. The room seemed to have every instrument one could imagine and a comfortable looking red carpet covered the floor. Alaska smiled at the thought of being able to record somewhere as fancy some day. One could dream. She sat next to her fries and took a sip of her coke before popping out her mobile. Absentmindedly, she began browsing through her social media.  
  
Willam had posted some excellent shots from his latest gig. Katya was once again hugging someone’s naked ass. Roxxxy had won another useless title. Alaska backtracked her thoughts. Roxxxy had won another title. They were friends, she was supposed to be supportive of this pageant stuff. Sometimes she forgot that. A like for Roxxxy. Advertisements. Some political stuff about LGBT+ rights; she retweeted them. Someone snapchatted her a dick pic. Back to instagram and Detox’s new eyebrow colour.  
  
She munched the lukewarm fries and smirked at the newest Sharon Needles read by Bianca Del Rio on Youtube. She chuckled and sent mentally some love to Aaron - can’t live with him, can’t live without him. There was a distant bang of a door and some muffled noises.  
  
Alaska glanced away from her phone and through the window, into the music room below her. A couple had just entered the room and it seemed they were fighting. She had seen Trixie Mattel out of drag enough of times to recognise him and of course also his partner in crime, Katya Zamolodchikova in full drag. The two seemed to be exchanging some very heated words based on their expressions and hand gestures. Brian was waving his hands in the air while Katya kept interrupting Brian’s tantrum, who then started all over again while Katya was preparing to defend herself against whatever Brian accused her off. Alaska squeezed her eyes shut, her brain hurt.  
  
The conflict looked like a lover’s spat when one couldn’t hear a thing they were saying. Maybe they had figured out that the internet imagined them having sex with each other and disagreed on the dynamics? Or maybe Katya had murdered Brian’s favourite wig and it was time for consequences? Alaska smiled, it was none of her business, but it was also not her fault that they had chosen to have their fight in front of her, so she continued to watch the silent war while picking at her lunch.  
  
It was actually quite something. Both Brians seemed to give the other enough time to express themselves properly and then gave a reply that seemed to match the other’s force and energy. It was a completely different dynamic than what Alaska was used to in her relationships. It was almost like the two were fighting but knew beforehand who was the winner and who was right, but needed to have the fight anyway. It was rather poetic really.  
  
There was a quiet knock on the door. Alaska sighed as the door opened and to her surprise it was her favourite ex.

‘Well hello you,’ Alaska smirked at Aaron, who smiled warmly.

‘Sorry to bother, Fame saw you coming in here,’ Aaron explained how he had found her. 

‘I’m not hiding,’ Justin answered, dropping Alaska to the background. ‘I just wanted some space.’  
  
Aaron nodded, walked next to Justin and stole one of his fries. ‘How are you?’  
  
‘I’m good. Watching the latest drama of RuGirls folding in front of my eyes.’  
  
‘Huh?’  
  
Justin indicated towards the BB-conflict behind the window.   
  
‘Oh, wow.’  
  
They watched in silence as the fight seemed to calm down, only to be instantly back in full flames after something that Katya had said.  
  
‘They have a better dynamic than we ever did,’ Aaron noted and stole another french frie.  
  
‘I just thought about that,’ Justin laughed. ‘Probably helps that they’re not absolutely hammered.’  
  
‘Or high.’  
  
‘Or high,’ Justin agreed. ‘How’s your boyfriend, Josh?’  
  
‘He’s fine,’ Aaron smiled and obviously tried to hide his happiness.  
  
Justin chuckled. ‘You now I’m happy for you, right? Not like, "I’m happy for you", but for real.’  
  
Aaron smiled and nodded. ‘I know.’  
  
They watched the fight quiet down once again. Brian took a seat at the drums while Brian sat on the floor.  
  
‘I just… I wish you were happy too,’ Aaron said quietly and Justin wrapped an arm around his shoulders.  
  
‘I will be. You’ll see. I’ll be so disgustingly happy and sweet your teeth will rot.’  
  
Aaron snorted a laugh. ‘Looking forward to it, it’ll look amazing on Sharon.’  
  
They shared a smile. The conflict seemed to have calmed down.  
  
‘I don’t think it’s a lovers’ spat,’ Aaron said then, out of the blue, and Justin looked at him questioningly.  
  
‘I heard about Texas,’ Aaron explained. Justin took some distance from his ex-lover and concentrated to his food. Of course. Who hadn’t heard about Texas and the show Alaska and Brian had offered?  
  
‘I thought you had stopped that,’ Aaron said in a slightly judgemental tone.  
  
‘What? Sucking dick?’ Justin asked icely.  
  
‘Giving oral-sex performances for paying audiences,’ Aaron shot back.  
  
Bitch.  
  
‘I have. Never asked for a penny,’ Justin snapped and stood up. That was really a low blow. Aaron had no right to judge, what they’d done in the past was way worse. Justin stood up and walked behind the recording table, dropped the half-full box of fries on it and sat down. He wanted distance from Aaron.  
  
‘You really like him, don’t you?’ Aaron asked with a gentler tone, almost as if apologising.  
  
Justin had, however, already pulled up a wall. He was not prepared to deal with this. And what right did Aaron have, to come at him suddenly like this? None. Not anymore.    
  
‘Like who?’ Alaska drawled defensively, playing stupid.  
  
‘Fuck that. Justin. I know _you_ . I know you better than you know you!’ Aaron snapped and turned to face the Slytherin Queen whose posture told Aaron that he disagreed entirely.  
  
Aaron chewed his lip. ‘I don’t get it. He’s so weird… And insecure, and somewhat disgusting.’  
  
Alaska raised an eyebrow. ‘Sounds to me like a pot calling the kettle black.’  
  
Aaron stared in shock for a second but then cackled his signature laugh. ‘You’re right. I’m sorry.’  
  
‘Mm,’ Alaska nodded in acceptance. There was a short silence.  
  
‘Honestly though, what a weird type to have...’  
  
Alaska snorted. ‘Oh bitch, please, at least I have a type! You keep going back and forth from gorgeous to fugly. It’s really fucking disturbing!’  
  
There was a short silence before they both burst out to howling laughter.  
  
‘Come on, I think the break is soon over.’  
  
Alaska nodded, gathered her things and followed her ex-lover back to the set. They really had come far since their breakup.  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
  
In the music room Brian was staring at Katya with wide eyes and holding his right palm over his wide open mouth. They heard the recording room door click shut and immediately Brian let out a loud pithy laugh.

  
*  
  
  
The Brians had had what Katya would’ve called a ‘disagreement about the realities of life whilst Trixie lived on a fucking imaginary Barbie planet’ and Brian would’ve called ‘Brian McCook being a crack whore dibshit, so basically just himself’. It had started as a discussion on how Katya did not like Brian’s new boyfriend, because he treated Brian like shit. Brian had disagreed and started complaining how Katya never liked any of his boyfriends because he was a selfish, conceited, delusional dumb fuck, who only cared about himself and did not want to see his best friend happy because his own fugly ass could not even land a trick. And only after that had they started arguing.  
  
They had just arrived to the safe-zone of apologies and mutual compliments on how important they were to each other and how, of course, they wanted happiness for each other, when their discussion had been interrupted by a strident electric sound.  
  
‘Christ, what’s that?’ Brian had asked, holding his ears and at the very same moment a familiar voice had flooded the room.  
  
_‘You really like him, don’t you?’_  
  
The Brians had started franticly to look for the origin of the sound. Brian silently mouthed ‘Where is that coming from?’ to Katya, while she was mouthing ‘Is that Sharon?’ back. They answered to each other with knitted eyebrows and a simultaneous silent ‘What!?’.  
  
_‘Like who?’_  
  
Katya froze. He’d know that drawl anywhere. Brian glanced quickly at his best friend but then continued examining the room.  
  
_‘Fuck that. Justin. I know you. I know you better than you know you!’_  
  
There was a silence. Brian had tried signing to Katya to look up, to show that they were in a recording room, not in a practice room like the sign on the door had said. Katya wasn’t, however, paying attention to anything else except the voices.  
  
_‘I don’t get it. He’s so weird… And insecure, and somewhat disgusting.’_  
  
That was thick, coming from Sharon, Katya thought to herself.  
  
_‘Sounds to me like a pot calling the kettle black.’_  
  
Katya smirked. Hah! Alaska one, Sharon zero.

 _‘You’re right. I’m sorry.’_  
  
_‘Mm.’_  
  
Brian had grabbed Katya’s shoulder and forced the man to look up to the recording studio, where they could see the shadow of Sharon Needles out of drag.  
  
_‘Honestly though, what a weird type to have...’_  
  
_‘Oh bitch, please, at least I have a type! You keep going back and forth from gorgeous to fugly. It’s really fucking disturbing!’_  
  
Loud laughter had filled the room.  
  
_‘Come on, I think the break is soon over.’_

  
* 

  
Brian calmed his laughter down. That had been brilliant!

‘You think they knew about us, heard us?’ Katya asked in all seriousness.  
  
‘No. You stupid fuckwit,’ Brian snorted. ‘Would they have had that conversation in front of us? Use your head for thinking for once.’  
  
‘But it’s so much more fun to do other stuff with it,’ Katya joked.  
  
Brian raised his eyebrow, ‘Such as?’  
  
Katya started to push and poke Brian’s shoulder with his head. Brian rolled his eyes.  
  
‘Who do you think they were talking about?’ Katya asked then and glanced back up, as if waiting for Alaska and Sharon to come back and explain themselves.  
  
Brian did not see the point of beating around the bush. ‘You.’  
  
‘Not necessarily, there is a lot of insecure disgusting weirdos out there,’ Katya reasoned.  
  
‘Yeah, and I bet the Medusa has sucked all basic thinking skills out of them as well,’ Brian snorted and kicked Katya gently to the side. ‘Are we ok?’ he then asked uncertainly.  
  
‘Huh?’ Katya asked, confused. ‘Why aren’t we ok?’  
  
Brian stared at Katya in disbelief for couple of seconds. ‘Are you kidding me?!’  
  
Katya kept a straight face exactly two second before he lost it and laughed. ‘Yesyes, I’m kidding, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Yes, we’re ok, I’m so sorry. We’re ok, right? I’m so sorry - but your face!’  
  
Brian snorted and turned to walk out. Katya was, however, faster and grabbed him from behind into a full body hug, meaning that she first wrapped her hands and then her legs around Brian.  
  
‘I said I was sorry! I’m sorry. Can we be friends again? Please?’  
  
Brian saw an opportunity. ‘Only if you let me go an-’  
  
‘Done!’  
  
‘I wasn’t finished.’  
  
‘I don’t care, I’ll do the other thing too.’  
  
Brian smirked. ‘And you tell me all about Cobra Mama in detail.’  
  
Katya went little pale, untangled herself from Brian and took a step back. Brian crossed his arms demandingly.  
  
‘But you know what happened.’  
  
‘Yes, I have the Detox, the Roy, the very descriptive Adore and the Alyssa version. I want Katya version.’  
  
‘Fine,’ Katya gave in and then added firmly. ‘Later.’  
  
Brian lifted his arms in surrender and the pair exited the room.

  
  
* * * 

  
When Katya finished at the set she headed straight to the dressing room. According to her phone she was exactly 36.3 minutes late from her meeting with Brian. When she arrived to the dressing room Justin was finishing his packing and was stuffing his make-up bags into a red suitcase.  
  
‘Need a hand?’ Katya asked and got a smile.  
  
‘Only if they’re normal sized and attached to a fully functional human body,’ came the reply.  
  
Katya smirked. He knew her well. She kneeled next to Justin but made no effort to help him pack.  
  
‘Umm.’  
  
‘Yes?’  
  
‘Well there’s no nice way of saying this so I’m just going to say it, then at least it’s over with, like a Band-aid and hopefully it’ll hurt less than if I wore it out, you now. So like, you must know that everyone knows about Texas. Like, me-you-Texas, and like Trixie was asking about it and I think she was upset I hadn’t told her before she heard from someone else and I have to tell her tonight, with details, and I just wanted to tell you, now that you are here, that I’m going to tell her, about the details, and I probably wouldn’t have thought about telling you if I hadn’t seen you, which I obviously should have, but now you know.’  
  
Katya took a deep breath and met Justin’s eyes.  
  
‘Impressive,’ was Justin’s reply.  
  
Katya was confused. ‘Huh?’  
  
Justin continued packing and gave a small smile. ‘No, it was just very impressive you could say all that with a single breath.’  
  
Katya laughed and slapped Justin’s shoulder. ‘Bitch.’  
  
There was a short silence and Justin seemed to be considering what Katya had said. At least Katya hoped he was considering it, and not for example how to slice her into tiny pieces and feed to pigs. Justin stood up and Katya followed suit.  
  
‘Look, it’s fine. It’s your decision, and I really don’t mind. It’s a co-ownership on the details and you can do whatever you want with your half.’  
  
Katya glanced at Justin who was wearing black tight jeans, a black Alaska T-shirt and a white jacket with a K on the back. His hair was styled and while he looked little tired Katya had to admit the man looked edible.  
  
‘I just. It felt private,’ Katya said, unsure.  
  
Justin laughed. ‘What’s private anymore? I have like five different social media accounts I keep updating with different stuff to keep people interested. Nothing’s private anymore and if you’re such a chicken about it, maybe you’re in the wrong business honey.’  
  
Katya stared at Justin who seemed to be entirely serious. Then again, he probably was. Katya snorted.  
  
‘You’re calling me a chicken?’  
  
‘Yeah, I guess I was,’ Justin chuckled and Katya had never been as grateful of 6 inch stilettos because she certainly was a lot of things, but not a chicken, and the added height gave her an advantage.  
  
She stepped to Justin who automatically stepped back, only to be trapped by a wall. Who’s the chicken now? Katya smirked at the thought and took the opportunity as it presented itself, she pressed her lips firmly onto his. It took Justin only a nano-second to catch up and then they were kissing. With passion. Hot, sexy, wet, hard - did she mention hot? Those were only few of the words Katya would’ve used to describe it. Justin’s hands found themselves onto her hips and Katya smirked. They should’ve been doing this long time ago. She groped between his legs and was happy to find him interested.  
  
It was at the exact same moment when Katya prepared to open Justin’s fly that she heard the phone, which based on the ring tone, had been ringing for a while. Brian. She stopped the kiss and pressed her forehead onto Justin’s shoulder to catch her breath.  
  
‘Maybe you can tell her the details of tonight too, you know, to keep her happy,’ Justin said through deep breaths.  
  
Katya laughed.  
  
‘You should take it,’ Justin said with a more in control voice than what Katya could’ve achieved right there and then.  
  
‘Yeah ok,’ she replied and took the call. She was listening to Brian’s complaints about cold pizza, while watching through the mirrors as Justin packed his bags, gave her a small wave and walked out.  
  
She wondered how long it would take him to notice that he had lipstick all over his lips and chin. The thought made her giggle.


	5. O, Brasil

**Instagram** ****  
**Theonlyalaska5000**   
  
A selfie of Justin. The photo has been taken on the backseat of a car. He is wearing a black Alaska T-shirt and smiling widely. He has red lipstick all over his lips and chin. The caption reads: ‘Nothing’s private.’   


*

 

 **Snapchat** ****  
**Private chat between Justin and Brian.**   
  
Brian sends four different dickpics to Justin.   
  
‘Which one is me?’   
‘None. They all taste like my phone.’

 

*  


**Twitter** **  
** **Alaska Thunderfuck @ Alaska5000**

 

Are you coming to #DragCon ?! I’ll be appearing there. Get tickets here: #RupaulsDragCon @RuPaulsDragCon.   
  
katya_zamo: You’ll be there?! I’m cancelling.

 

*

 

 **Twitter** ****  
**Katya @ katya_zamo**   


Just in! Happiness often comes in the form of a warm butt. #news #nothingsprivate

 

*  


**SMS** ****  
**Private chat between Justin and Brian.**   
  
Justin: “Just in!” as in Justin?   
Brian: You’re smarter than you look!   
Justin: [ http://www.nytimes.com/2013/11/19/science/coldblooded-does-not-mean-stupid.html ](http://www.nytimes.com/2013/11/19/science/coldblooded-does-not-mean-stupid.html)

 

*

 

 **Instagram** **  
****Theonlyalaska5000**   
  
A photo of Alaska and Sharon on stage. They look beautiful. There is no caption.   
  
*   
  
Realistically speaking, Brian knows that Aaron is engaged to Josh, and that Justin has been flirting with him for the past week or so on social media. But it still makes him uncomfortable, and he doesn’t really know how serious Justin’s flirting is. Brian clicks the picture open and hashtags it ‘freakshow’. He doesn’t post it. Trixie is right. If he wants to get involved with Alaska, Needles will be present in the dynamic, if not literally and in person, then through media. It is actually one of the best reasons not to start anything with Alaska. Their every move would be under scrutiny by media, producers, employers, fans and worst of all, other queens. Brian can already hear Del Rio’s read on the topic: ‘Thunderfuck cannot get himself a real man, so she keeps sucking the souls out of her sisters until she’s the only one left standing.’  


He really shouldn’t be starting anything with Alaska, because it’s just fucking crazy and it’ll hurt both of their careers, and lives, and hearts - if snakes even have hearts? Brian googles it.   


  
* * * 

  
It was 3am and Justin had just arrived to the hotel. He was absolutely exhausted. His phone made the  sound of a received SMS, which surpr ised him. Had it been a WhatsApp, a Snapchat or any other type of application message he would’ve ignored it, but he rarely got text messages from anyone anymore, except his mom, and so he made the effort to read it before going to sleep. The sender was his favourite Russian Hooker: ‘Did you know that snakes have hearts?’   
  
Justin was confused. He wasn’t entirely sure whether he had accidentally done something sweet and Brian had figured it out - or if the weirdo was actually talking about actual snake anatomy. He took a seat at the sofa and started to type a reply. After two attempts of typing, when the autocorrects were not even funny, he got annoyed and pushed the call button instead - it was just easier.   
  
Brian’s phone rang while he was reading about snake hearts and so he picked up without looking at the caller ID.   
  
‘Yup?’   
  
‘Who answers their phone with a ‘yup’?’   
  
Brian froze for a second, but chuckled then. ‘Oh hi!’   
  
‘Of course I know, I can feel it beating.’ Justin drawled in a voice that tried to reach Alaska, but didn’t quite make it. He really was beat.   
  
Brian frowned. ‘What?’   
  
‘... And I thought I was tired. Snakes. Hearts. Ring a bell?’   
  
A lamp lit in Brian’s head. ‘Ah! You got my message?’   
  
‘No, I just randomly called to discuss snake hearts.’

Brian smiled.   
  
‘Well, you’re in luck! Because I have just learned that snakes have both renal and hepatic portal circulations and that the position of snake’s heart varies among species and, as there is no diaphragm, it is mobile within the ribcage. Snake’s heart’s position varies slightly with its ecological niche and phylogenetic position, and its mobility may facilitate the passage of relatively large prey. Snake hearts have three chambers: right and left atria and one ventricle. The right atrium receives deoxygenated blood from the systemic circulation and the left receives oxy-’

‘Are you actually reading some snake encyclopedia out loud for me?’

Brian was quiet for a moment. ‘I guess that depends on your position whether Wikipedia counts as a snake encyclopedia?’

Justin couldn’t believe it. He had to really make an effort to not to laugh out loud.  
  
‘So you’re telling me I’m paying sky high phone minutes to hear a wikipedia entry I could’ve looked up free online?’   
  
‘It’s not my fault you’re not smart enough to call me on WhatsApp.’   
  
Justin had to admit Brian had a point. He promptly hanged up, opened the app and called back.

‘Yup!’  
  
‘Now you’re doing that just to annoy me.’   
  
‘Possibly.’     
  
They shared a short comfortable silence.   
  
‘I’m in Rio,’ Justin said then and took a more comfortable position on the sofa.   
  
‘Oh yeah? I’ve never been in Rio, but if I ever had the chance I would be certain to use a condom and enjoy the ride.’   
  
Justin got the double meaning and rolled his eyes. He then realised Brian couldn’t see him.   
  
‘Do you ever take anything seriously?’   
  
‘Yes, absolutely. But it worsens my anxiety, so I try not make a habit out of it.’

Justin shook his head in amusement. He liked talking to Brian. It made him feel somehow comfortable - safe and secure. The memories and feelings from the dressing room when he had fallen apart and Katya had put him back together popped to his mind, as did the kiss they had shared the last time they had actually seen each other. The memories left an empty feeling inside him, which was amplified by Brian’s voice at the other end of the call.   
  
He should’ve texted, Justin realised too late.   
  
‘Hello? Did I lose you?’   
  
‘No no, I’m here,’ Justin said quietly.   
  
‘You alright?’ Brian asked and Justin could hear worry in his voice.   
  
Justin squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. There were so many feelings that it was hard to make sense of them. He was so tired and he really should’ve texted. Nothing made any sense. He couldn’t even remember when was the last time he had felt like this; like a complete mess; like nothing made sense and something was missing.   
  
‘Justin?’   
  
‘I’m sorry,’ Justin whispered. He could feel the tears coming and cursed. ‘Shit. Look, I need to go.’   
  
‘Oh. Ok.’   
  
‘Night.’ Justin waited no reply before hanging up.   
  
It hurt. It fucking hurt. He just couldn’t do it, couldn’t give in. It would be the exact same story. He would build dream castles and talk about soulmates, love, and it would all come crumbling down. There was a tight feeling in Justin’s chest and tears rose to his eyes. It was hard to breathe.   
  
He’d never been as afraid as with Aaron. Their relationship had been wonderful and beautiful, but he had also been so petrified with fear that he couldn’t breathe. He had started to suffocate and treated it with alcohol, drugs and then with sex - with a stranger. The handsome guy from Florida popped to his thoughts and Justin screamed inside. How could he have done that? To the person he had loved most in the world. Through his own actions his greatest fears had become a reality. The dream castles had shattered to pieces. It was hard to breathe.   
  
He had once told Rupaul that he feared death, which was bullshit. He had been terrified of living, because he knew he would fuck it up, and he had, and he would again. He wouldn’t do it again. No, it would be easier to live alone than fear the time it would be over. He needed to consciously to think about breathing to do it, it hurt.   
  
Justin didn’t know how long he had been crying when he heard the voice and the banging of the door.   
  
‘I know you’re in there and if you don’t open this door, I’m going to wake up the entire hallway or the entire hotel if I have to!’

Aaron. Exactly the person he wanted to, and equally as much did not want to see.   
  
‘I’m serious!’

Justin tiptoed to the door and opened it to see Aaron standing there, barefooted.   
  
Aaron took one look at him and sighed. ‘Oh honey.’ He pushed the door open and collected the fragile boy into his arms. Justin was bigger than Aaron remembered, or maybe he remembered wrong? Whichever the case, he didn’t seem to fit into Aaron’s embrace as well as he used to.

‘Josh, close the door,’ Aaron said quietly. The name shook Justin’s foundation. It caused him to lose sight of every single string he had held onto to keep himself together and so he crumbled to the floor, sobbing. He was so tired.  
  
‘Come on honey, get up, the bed’s right there,’ Aaron whispered and massaged small circles onto Justin’s back. ‘Come on, up you go.’   
  
Aaron got the sobbing man onto the bed and started stroking his hair gently. ‘You’re just tired. You just need to sleep and everything will come together.’   
  
It took only minutes for Justin to calm down in Aaron’s embrace and fall asleep.   
  
Josh was sitting on the sofa, watching the two men on the bed.   
  
‘Love?’ Aaron whispered gently. ‘Could you give me my phone?’   
  
Josh nodded and handed the phone he had been fiddling with to it’s rightful owner.

Aaron re-opened the message he had received 22 minutes ago from an unknown number: ‘Hi Aaron, got your number from Detox. You’re in Rio with Justin, no? I think he needs help, he sounded exhausted. I think you know what I mean. Brian (Katya)’   
  
‘All well,’ Aaron typed and thought for a moment. ‘Thank you.’ He thought again, erased the thank you and added ‘How did you know?’ before pressing send.   
  
‘I’ve seen it before. It just sounded like that on the phone,’ came Brian’s immediate reply.  

Aaron raised his eyebrows in surprise. Someone really cared. He sighed and typed a ‘Thank you.’ before walking to Josh, who had returned to the sofa.   
  
‘Come on, he’s fine now,’ Aaron whispered and offered a hand to his handsome fiancé.     
  
Josh glanced to the sleeping man on the bed, nodded and accepted Aaron’s hand.   
  
They walked to their room and Josh closed the door in silence.   
  
‘You ok?’ he then asked Aaron.   
  
‘Yeah, why?’   
  
‘You’re awfully quiet.’   
  
‘Mm,’ Aaron nodded. He didn’t know why but it bothered him.   
  
‘How long do you think Justin has known Brian?’   
  
Josh shrugged. ‘I don’t know, little over a year?’   
  
‘Yeah, that’s what I thought,’ Aaron said and walked to their bed. The couple snuggled up together and Josh kissed Aaron’s shoulder.   
  
‘It took me over two years to see it coming, to recognise the signs. I didn’t even know you could hear it from his voice... And we were dating, we lived together,’ Aaron explained.   
  
‘See what coming?’   
  
‘Those exhaustion and stress induced panic attacks Justin works himself into.’   
  
‘Mm,’ Josh nodded. He was silent for a moment and then asked uncertainly: ‘You’re jealous?’   
  
‘No!’ Aaron exclaimed, but could see that Josh wasn’t convinced. ‘I guess a little. He’s thousands of miles away and could hear from Justin’s bare voice that he needed help. I spent seven hours today with him, on- and off-stage, and I didn’t notice a thing.’   
  
Josh smiled gently, happily. ‘Yeah, because you’re not in love with him.’   
  
Aaron nodded, surprised that Josh’s comment didn’t hurt. He really was not in love with Justin. Hadn’t been for a long time. He loved him, dearly, but was not in love with him. Did that mean that Brian was?   
  
‘You know what I think?’   
  
‘What?’   
  
‘I think we should sleep.’   
  
Aaron nodded and turned off the lights. He listened to Josh’s breathing, but couldn’t fall asleep. His thoughts kept going in circles and coming back to Justin. He had to do something or the feeling wouldn’t leave him alone. He checked that Josh was asleep and sneaked into the toilet. He was fiddling with his phone while trying to decide whether or not to make the call. Truthfully, it wasn’t fair on either of them - not on Justin, not on Brian. But he had to do something and at 4.30 am this was the only thing he could think of.

  
  
* * * 

  
6295.08 miles away Brian McCook was just getting into a shower when his phone rang in the living room. He turned on his heels and took three long stride to reach his phone. He had just  swiped the screen to answer when he hit his big toe to a coffee table corner.   
  
‘Дерьмо́! Fuckingshitmotherfucker!’   
  
‘I’ll just assume you don’t answer all of you calls like that?’ came a rather surprised voice of Aaron Coady and Brian swore again under his breath.   
  
‘No, I... Sorry. I hit my toe. Jesus. I think I’m bleeding. It hurts like shit!’   
  
‘Yes, shit can be very painful,’ Sharon snorted.   
  
‘Sorry,’ Brian said again. ‘You called?’   
  
‘Yes. I have a favour to ask, and I’m sure you have work, or are busy, or something. But like... Look, I know about Texas.’   
  
Brian rolled his eyes. Who didn’t know about Texas? Fucking gossipy Drag Cunts - there was nothing majestic about that bunch.   
  
‘We’ve been in Rio for a week and we have another one to go and, let’s just cut to the chase - how would you feel about coming to Brazil?’


	6. Come to Brazil

‘Business or pleasure?’  
  
‘Business. No! Pleasure.’   
  
‘You don’t know whether you’re here for business or pleasure?’   
  
‘No no, I definitely know. I’m here for pleasure. Normally it’s for business, so I said business, but it’s for pleasure. This time. Really.’   
  
The immigration officer gave Brian a tired look and glanced back down to his passport. Brian cursed inside, he sometimes really just needed to shut the fuck up.   
  
Arriving to Brazil with just a carry-on was probably not the most conventional of ideas, but as he was absolutely fucking insane, and only staying for two nights before heading back to the US, it should do.   
  
Aaron had texted him to look for a red Toyota and instructed him to wait near the taxi queue. Apparently Needles had himself not only a fiancé, but also a PA in a very convenient and attractive package. Or that’s what Brian thought when Josh Andrews waved at him from the only red car Brian could locate. He had met the man only once before, very briefly in some backstage, but it was apparently enough for the makeup artist to remember him.   
  
‘Brian. Good to see you. How was the flight?’   
  
‘No idea, thanks to Ambien,’ was Brian’s reply as he lifted his bag into the trunk.   
  
Josh laughed politely, but Brian couldn’t tell whether the man actually found the joke funny.   
  
‘Right then, I need to get some safety-pins, and maybe we should get you some food? The girls are already in the venue getting ready and the show starts in a couple of hours, so we don’t have a huge amount of time. I heard you got a room in a hotel couple of blocks away from ours?’   
  
Brian nodded.   
  
‘Are you fine checking-in after the show or do you want to go there first?’   
  
Brian really wanted to take a shower but at the same time he didn’t want to be any more trouble than he evidently already had been.   
  
‘No no, I can check-in after,’ he rushed to reply. Josh nodded, clearly pleased.   
  
They stopped in two convenience stores on the way as the first one did not have safety-pins, and then drove straight to the club were Justin and Aaron were performing. When Josh pulled into the reserved parking slot and Brian saw a very familiar figure smoking at the door, he cursed silently. He had totally forgotten to check why exactly the men were in Rio.   
  
‘Well well well, ain’t it the sluttiest crack-whore in town,’ came Ginger Minj’s greeting and Brian laughed.   
  
‘Ribbit, ribbit,’ he replied as he walked to Ginger, hugged her and promptly took a long inhale from her cigarette.   
  
‘God that was good!’   
  
Ginger chuckled. ‘I’m surprised to see you here,’ she glanced to Josh who was unpacking the car. ‘But maybe I shouldn’t be?’   
  
Brian shook his head slightly, ‘Long story.’   
  
Ginger nodded and stumped her cigarette bud to the ground. ‘Well, let’s go then.’   
  
Brian helped Josh with his bags and suddenly a feeling of uncertainty filled his stomach.   
  
‘Aaron did tell Justin that he invited me, right?’   
  
Josh glanced at him briefly. ‘I would assume so, but I don’t really keep tabs on their conversations.’   
  
Brian swore colorfully. He had no idea whether Justin even knew that he was coming. What if he hated the idea? Why hadn’t he checked with Justin himself? He could only pray that Aaron had done the decent thing and his visit wouldn’t be a surprise to Justin, or that if it were a surprise, Justin would like it. He really had screwed this one up.   
  
Josh opened the backstage door and with one glance Brian identified Adore, Jinkx and Roxxxy Andrews. On the other side of the room Sharon and Alaska were fixing their makeup, and Ginger pushed her way next to them to take a seat. Josh had walked to greet Sharon, and Brian didn’t really know what to do with himself.   
  
‘Oh my god, Katya!!’ Roxxxy squealed then, and the entire room turned to look at him.   
  
‘She brought Red Bull!’ Adore continued in the same high pitch and ran to Brian, who was examining the small bag Josh had given him to carry. There really seemed to be a can of Red Bull for everyone. Wow, Josh was thoughtful too, Sharon was lucky, Brian thought to himself, but was quickly interrupted by Adore, who was reaching into the bag. While she was pulling a can out Adore looked at Brian suspiciously, glanced quickly over her shoulder to Alaska and then smirked.   
  
‘I’m taking two, I might need a back-up can later on,’ she declared cheekily and reached for another one.   
  
‘Bitch,’ Brian laughed and walked around the room, giving everyone a Red Bull from the small plastic bag he was carrying. Ginger reached to the last can as Brian walked past her and Brian was left with no Red Bulls when he was faced with Alaska, the only girl in the room he hadn’t already provided with a can.   
  
‘You didn’t save me anything?’ Alaska said sadly and peeked into the bag, pouting.   
  
‘Oh no, I saved the best last,’ Brian said. He wasn’t entirely sure where the idea had come from right there and then, but it was perfect. ‘I brought you a bracelet,’ he continued and proceeded to squeeze and roll the plastic bag into a string. He then wrapped it around Alaska’s right wrist and tied it into a bow.   
  
Alaska examined the trash around her wrist for a moment, ruffled it a bit and then smiled widely.   
  
‘Oh! I love iiit!’ she drawled and presented everyone in the room her newest accessory.   
  
Only Brian was able to catch Ginger’s guiet: ‘Disgusting,’ remark, which was clearly aimed at him. He knew exactly what Ginger meant. It really had not been planned as a romantic gesture, but that was exactly how it had come across. He chuckled. Making Alaska smile was the best feeling in the world, Brian thought to himself and had a feeling that he had heard something similar somewhere before.   
  
‘So, Katya, you part of the show then?’ Roxxxy asked and Brian felt little lost. What was he supposed to say? No, I just came to Rio to take care of Alaska’s mental health, by fucking her brains out, you know, no biggie. Brian couldn’t resist the temptation. Didn’t the best jokes come out of half truths anyway?   
  
‘Nah, I just came to see whether Alaska would suck me off again, it’s been pretty lonely in LA lately,’ Brian said with a straight face. The air in the room seemed to freeze and Brian could feel all eyes once again turning to him. Roxxxy was staring at him with her mouth slightly open, her expression spoke of utter disbelief that he had just said, what he had. Brian smirked before bursting into a howling laughter and the others joined him, some awkward, some confused, some clearly amused. Alaska’s laughter was the loudest, most genuine. She really got him.   
  
‘No, truthfully speaking, Sharon invited me,’ Brian explained then and threw the ball to the Queen of Shadows. It was her idea in the first place, so she should have an explanation ready.   
  
Sharon nodded and did not seem bothered by Brian’s tactic.   
  
‘Yes, I find it extremely important to get to know all the queens who enjoy giving public sex performances in any shape or form, as I consider it part of my legacy,’ Sharon continued in the theme Brian had started: ‘And so I invited Miss Zamolodchikova to come and enjoy our lovely company,’ she explained, making everyone even more confused about why Brian was actually in Rio.   
  
Roxxxy sighed in annoyance and turned back to her makeup, lifting her hands in surrender: ‘Geez, sorry for asking! Gotta get all defensive about it.’   
  
Brian patted her shoulder appeasingly. Roxxxy rolled her eyes, but smiled nevertheless. The girls turned back to their personal projects of makeup and an easy chatter filled the room. Brian walked to Ginger and examined her reflection. ‘Girl, you sure you wanna go with that?’   
  
‘Oh bitch, the day I start taking makeup tips from you is still long time coming,’ Ginger snorted. ‘How’s Brian?’   
  
Brian looked at her in confusion. ‘Tracy, how’s Tracy?’ Ginger clarified.   
  
‘Oh, right! Yeah no, she’s good. We’re shooting UNHhhh again on the fifth.’   
  
Ginger halted. ‘Fifth? You realise that’s in three days, and you’re in fucking Rio.’   
  
Brian nodded with huge eyes and an awkward grin that basically read: I know, I’m fucked.   
  
Ginger rolled her eyes. ‘Geez girl, I heard the story, but didn’t know you got it that bad.’   
  
‘You don’t know the half of it,’ Brian confessed and Ginger looked at him, surprised. Brian shook his head slightly. He didn’t want to explain. Not here, not now. She took the hint.   
  
‘Well, I’m happy to see you anyway,’ Ginger said and then raised her voice for everyone to hear: ‘It’s nice to have some decent company around!’   
  
Someone threw a wig that landed half on Ginger, half on Brian.   
  
‘Wig abuse is a punishable crime!’ Sharon yelled.   
  
Brian spent the following hour chit-chatting with the crew and the owner of the club. He helped Jinkx with her corset and re-pinned Adore’s ponytail. He had a conversation with Ginger about her new boyfriend and whilst doing all of that, he also took note that while Alaska never approached him, she was also always just a couple of steps away, exactly so that he could see her in the corner of his eye.   
  
When the show finally started and the girls made their way to the stage, Alaska finally turned to Brian. In six inch heels and already taller than Brian, Alaska towered over him. She took a gentle hold of his left ear and ran her thumb over it in caress. She then smiled, lowered herself to whisper into Brian’s ear and said: ‘You need a shower, you stink.’ Brian’s laughter sounded like cat having a seizure.

After the show it didn’t take the queens long to undress, pack and start moving towards the hotel. They still had one more show in the same club and could leave most of their belongings in the dressing room. Brian was the only one who grabbed his bag when they left. Aaron and Josh offered them a ride, which Justin skillfully declined by insisting he wanted food and didn’t mind walking. Brian agreed with Justin, who informed him that he knew the way to his own as well as to Brian’s hotel.

‘Yours is basically on the way,’ Justin said and nudged his head to show direction. ‘This way.’  
  
Brian nodded and fell into an easy step next to the taller man. They chatted about the show and Alaska’s stage presence. They laughed about lipsync-mistakes and stopped in front of shop windows to rate the display. They got slices of pizza from a small takeout place and shared a coke. They talked about easy things, like snake hearts or Trixie’s makeup. They talked about Bro’Laska and how the series was slightly different in it’s dynamic to the other WOW series. They talked about what UNHhhh was actually about: anything, everything and nothing, in every episode.   
  
‘So she banned Contact, even a reference to the film and she gives me this look. Like she’s my mother, and she’s just caught me smoking pot while wanking to animal porn - the disappointment and disapproval is real girl, so real!’ Brian cried, pressing his right fist to his chest.   
  
Justin laughed and looked up to the building next to them. ‘This is yours.’   
  
Brian glanced to the building and could feel the awkwardness set between them - a feeling that had not entered to their interaction once during the walk. Brian worried his lower lip.   
  
‘Do you, do youwannacom’up?’ Brian blurted the words out with such a speed that they tangled together. Justin turned to face him and smiled slightly. Then he nodded once. Yes. Yes, he wanted to come up.   
  
Brian felt relieved and answered with a wide grin: ‘Well, good, because otherwise that would’ve been fucking mortifying!’   
  
Justin chuckled.   
  
They checked Brian in and got a keycard. The trip to the ninth floor seemed to take weeks, months even, as the sexual tension between the couple thickened with every step toward the room. Brian unlocked the door and let Justin walk in first. He followed suit and closed the door. It was dark. The lights of Rio lit parts of the small parlour that led to a bedroom, which seemed to lead further to a bathroom.   
  
Brian dropped the keycard into the slot provided for it and the lights turned on, revealing Justin, who stood in the middle of the parlour, staring intently at Brian. He was breathing shallowly and Brian could read want in his eyes - maybe even lust? Not wanting to break the moment Brian bit his teeth together. He had a tendency to say inappropriate things at inappropriate moments and really wanted to avoid that. He walked slowly to Justin, who closely followed his every step. Brian felt like a hunter, trying not to scare his prey. He looked straight at Justin as he drew closer and placed his palms gently to his hips.   
  
‘I don’t enjoy quiet, shy or awkward sex. I want communication. If you want something, you need to tell me, and I’ll pay you the same courtesy,’ Brian said gently, but sternly. Justin nodded.   
  
Brian was very conscious of their difference in height, but decided that he would still be setting the tone. If Justin wanted to lead, he would have to ask for it. Brian doubted the lanky boy had any such aspirations, so he just lifted his chin a little and waited.   
  
Justin could feel hands on his hips and was staring down to Brian, who had not proceeded to kiss him like he had expected. Justin blinked and repeated Brian’s words in his mind. It all made sense, but it fell flat on Justin -- he didn’t know how to ask for such things. Usually sex just happened. Mostly little outside of his control. It was a feeling rather than a rational choice, and to be put into a situation where he had total control and had to reason it felt strange. Sure, he had begged to be fucked plenty, he had even demanded to be fucked in a couple of occasions. But never had he ever made a request for sex, a request that he knew would be respected -- and that was exactly what Brian was offering. It made Justin hot, bothered, and a little hard.   
  
‘I want you to fuck me.’ Saying the words out loud, clearly, sober, free of obligations, totally in control -- it felt empowering. He wanted this.   
  
‘I know,’ Brian smirked, but did not move.   
  
Justin traced Brian’s right cheek with his fingertips, lifted his both hands to Brian’s neck, placing his thumps behind Brian’s ears and then bent down to meet his lips. Soft, hot… Intruding. Brian smiled, opened his lips and kissed back. They were exploring, tasting, feeling. Learning what worked, what felt good -- and what didn’t.   
  
‘I want you,’ Justin breathed into Brian’s mouth, and Brian chuckled.   
  
‘I want to fuck you so deep and hard that you come screaming your own name,’ Brian whispered. He kissed Justin’s neck and said quietly against Justin’s skin: ‘But before that, I’d really like to wash you and eat you out.’   
  
Justin startled and took a step back. He looked at Brian, who was now biting his lower lip.   
  
‘Too much?’ Brian asked, worried. ‘Fuck, I knew I’d say something and you’d freak out. Shit.’   
  
Brian closed his eyes in frustration. Why the fuck couldn’t he ever keep his mouth shut? Then he felt fingers on his cheek. Carefully, he opened his eyes.   
  
Justin was smiling. There was traces of blush on his cheeks and neck. Brian raised his eyebrows, questioningly. What was the snake up to?   
  
Justin licked his lips quickly and took an indifferent pose. He pretended to be examining the nails of his left hand as he drawled slowly: ‘Well, you do need a shower...’

  
Brian’s jaw dropped. Justin smirked and he took another step back. Brian could see the glimmer of humour in Justin’s eyes and knew they were on the same page.   
  
‘You better run, or I’m going to fucking spank you for that,’ Brian threatened, smiling.   
  
Justin snorted: ‘Promises, promises,’ but took yet another step back. Brian burst into a howling laughter.   
  
Now, Trixie would’ve seen it coming, but Justin was not as familiar with Brian and was therefore completely taken aback when the Russian Hooker abruptly stopped laughing, closed their distance, grabbed his shoulders and growled in an extremely low voice: ‘Shower, now.’ And then Justin was being pulled towards the bathroom. They stopped right at the door and Brian turned to unbutton Justin’s jeans while the taller man just stared.   
  
‘You are allowed to help, you know?’ Brian commented.   
  
‘Nah, I’d rather just watch you do it,’ Justin drawled and made absolutely no effort to help.   
  
Brian snickered. ‘Christ, you’re a handful.’   
  
‘My, thank you,’ Justin purred and Brian laughed.   
  
‘Oh, shut up,’ Brian snorted but continued to undress the younger man, giving soft kisses and gentle caresses to the newly revealed areas of skin on his hips, thighs, knees... Coming back up he traced a path all the way up from Justin’s hibone to his armpit with his nose and tongue - kissing, licking, smelling - while lifting the younger queen’s shirt up. Justin helpfully grabbed the shirt’s hem, pulled and threw the garment over his head, onto the floor. He then lowered his arms onto Brian’s shoulders and leaned in for a kiss.   
  
Brian let his hands fall to Justin’s naked ass as he pulled the man closer. Justin smelled like a weird mixture of cigarettes, dust and something sharp Brian couldn’t identify. Through the kisses Brian could feel Justin moving his feet and getting rid of his shoes, socks and the jeans and boxers that Brian had earlier pushed around his ankles. Brian smirked around the kissing and could feel Justin smiling as well. They broke apart and shared a smile.   
  
‘We look beautiful,’ Justin said then and glanced somewhere behind Brian’s left shoulder.   
  
Brian turned to look and saw a reflection of them in the bedroom window. Justin stood naked, but came across rather modest as his body was half covered by Brian’s own, fully clothed reflection.   
  
‘We look like a balding horny elf wanting to fuck a non-suspecting fairy-princess,’ he commented dryly.   
  
‘That’s what I said,’ Justin noted, pretending to be confused. Brian’s laughter filled the bedroom.

  
‘You’re wearing awfully lot for a shower,’ Justin said after Brian had reached some composure and raised an eyebrow.   
  
Brian snorted and started to undress, ‘You start. I’ll be there in a second.’   
  
‘Okurrrr,’ Justin replied and turned to the bathroom.   
  
Brian shook his head and couldn’t resist admiring the view the taller queen offered whilst walking to the bathroom. Brian undressed and glanced at his own reflection on the window. He had slightly narrower shoulders than Justin, but by some miracle the younger queen still had narrower hips and skinnier legs. Justin might not have been the most conventionally handsome man, but he definitely was a work of art.   
  
Brian walked to the bathroom and took a long look at Justin, who was standing his back towards the door. Justin was letting the water run over his shoulders and back, while leaning to his hands. He had bowed his head down, eyes closed. Brian had never seen anything so alluring. He walked behind Justin and gently placed his right hand onto Justin’s hip to signal to him that he was in the shower.   
  
‘Mm,’ Justin acknowledged his presence and Brian pressed a gentle kiss on his shoulder blade. He then took a step closer and pressed his hips against Justin’s backside, wrapped his left hand around Justin’s waist and only when he was certain of his balance, he pressed his chest to Justin’s back. He started to drop small kisses and bites onto Justin’s shoulders and upper back. He wasn’t quite tall enough to reach his neck in this position, but didn’t let that bother him. Instead Brian let his right hand wander all over Justin’s body; his chest, stomach, crotch, balls, inner thighs… Where ever he could reach; through Justin’s side all the way up to his right armpit and arm. Justin answered to every touch either through small sighs of pleasure or by squirming into or away from the touch. Brian was mentally mapping the places that produced the most positive responses.   
  
When Brian was content with his explorations he took a small step to the left and reached for the soap from a container he had previously noticed on the shower room wall. Justin was stirred from his trance and turned to look what was going on. Brian just smiled and gently guided his head back between his hands, bowed between his shoulders. He then adjusted his left arm slightly higher on Justin’s waist and laid his soaped right palm on Justin’s lower back. In small gentle circles Brian moved his hand over Justin’s hips, buttocks and inner thighs before reaching further down and tracing his gouch from behind the balls all the way up, back to Justin’s lower back. Justin squirmed and let his head drop completely.   
  
‘Do that again.’   
  
Brian smiled and obliged, this time he took his time and went slower, playing with the amount of pressure. Justin was vibrating in his embrace.   
  
‘That feels so good.’

Brian took a step closer, pressed his own half-erected cock between Justin’s buttocks and thighs and continued to soap the man all over. When he reached to Justin’s cock, he noticed the younger queen was fully erect and decided to give the man only one firm squeeze before continuing to soap his balls and lower abdomen.   
  
Justin had his complaints about Brian ignoring his erection, but Brian just laughed.   
  
‘Patience.’   
  
Brian was getting harder and took a step back. He needed to calm down if he wanted this to last longer than the following five minutes. Standing now little left to Justin, Brian took a firmer hold of the younger man and pressed a kiss to his shoulder.    
  
‘Now, you’re going to tell me if you’re uncomfortable, right?’   
  
Justin nodded in affirmation and sighed as Brian spat on his hand and then reached down and brushed his fingers over his hole, massaging gently. Justin adjusted his legs wider and Brian smirked. Someone was eager. He kept playing with different pressures, different finger movements and when he finally dipped his index finger into Justin, the man groaned. Brian took good time making sure Justin was comfortable. His own erection was throbbing with pre-cum before he added a second finger. Justin groaned again.   
  
‘More.’   
  
Brian was happy to take orders. He licked Justin’s shoulder blade once before crouching down behind him, spreading Justin’s cheeks apart and taking a long lick. Justin moaned loudly and grabbed a firm hold of his own cock with his right hand.   
  
‘More,’ Justin repeated and started to pump with firm slow strokes. He could feel Brian’s mouth on his entrance. He could feel the licks, the sucks, the teeth scratching gently. He pressed his backside more firmly against Brian and enjoyed the attention. He could feel Brian’s tongue pushing inside and then disappearing again, all while the warm water still dripped to his shoulders and back, finally hitting the floor. Justin could feel the tension building, his thoughts started to scatter and there was not enough, not enough of anything. There just needed to be more, more of everything.   
  
‘Fuck me,’ he pleaded, on the edge.   
  
Brian could hear from the voice that Justin was close. He needed to be quick. And that was the moment Brian realised that his condoms as well as the lube were packed into his bag, which was probably still next to the front door. Brian swore at his own stupidity and stood up. He pressed his cock against Justin’s thigh, wrapped his arm tightly around Justin’s waist and pressed his forehead to his shoulder.   
  
‘Come for me,’ he whispered to Justin and pushed his fingers as deep into Justin as they would reach. Justin moaned.   
  
‘Don’t, don’t stop.’   
  
Brian kept a steady pace and could feel the tension building. Justin was vibrating and his breaths sped up. Brian could feel his own orgasm approaching as he fucked the man in his arms with his fingers.   
  
‘Let go, come on, come for me,’ Brian repeated and watched in fascination as the man in his arms, with the help of his own hand, reached his climax. It was beautiful.   
  
The image alone threw Brian over the edge and he came with a groan.   


  
* * *   
  
  
Brian grimaced as the cum on his stomach started to cool. Dry cum was not his favorite thing on skin, so maybe he really should start moving towards the shower that had been waiting for -- he  glanced at his phone -- for approximately 25 minutes. Daydreaming really was a talent and he couldn’t even remember the last time he had come so hard without actual visual aids. He sighed and tried to reach for the t-shirt that was lying on the floor, just a couple of feet away. He stretched his right foot towards it and as he tried to pick the shirt up with his toes he felt shooting pain on his big toe.   
  
‘Ouf-ffffuck.’   
  
He glanced down to his toe, which had dried blood all over it. Some of it had already turned ugly brown and it seemed the floor also had gotten its share of it.   
  
‘Shit.’   
  
Brian took a deep breath and groaned while getting up. His cock had shrunk back to its normal size and he could feel the after-climax tiredness creeping in. He needed to get into the shower. Now.   
  
He took a couple of careful steps and as the big toe did not hurt too badly, he made it to the shower. While the warm water was washing away the sweat, the blood and the cum, Brian kept thinking about his Rio fantasy. It was obvious that he was sexually attracted to Justin, and to Alaska on some level, which was weird - even for him.   
  
He thought about Aaron’s request and whether or not his short fantasy had any chances of being close to reality, had he actually gone to Brazil. Probably not. He had no idea why Aaron had even called him. The fact that Justin had once sucked him off didn’t mean that the man had any romantic feelings for him. Brian doubted Aaron knew about their other interactions or the social media flirting - how could he? Or maybe Justin had told him? Brian had no way of knowing how much the ex-royal-couple-of-drag still shared with each other.   
  
When Aaron had actually uttered the words ‘Come to Brazil?’ less than an hour ago, Brian had immediately thought about going. Because, why the fuck not? Luckily for him, Brenda was having a good day and informed him with confidence that to get into a plane for someone whose feelings and intentions he wasn’t sure of, was equal to volunteering for Hunger Games with non-existent survival skills. On top of that he had three clubs gigs and an UNHhhh to shoot. There was no possible way he could’ve gone to Brazil and even if he could’ve, it would’ve been absolutely fucking insane to do so.   
  
‘I don’t know, Aaron. Look, like you said, I’ve got work. I don’t even know why you’re asking me,’ Brian had said.   
  
Aaron had been silent for a while. ‘I thought you guys had a thing. I thought you cared?’   
  
Brian had gotten upset by the comment because it had sounded like an accusation. Of course he fucking cared! Had he not specifically asked Aaron to go and check that Justin was alright? And how exactly was Justin’s mental health suddenly his responsibility? And it wasn’t like they had a thing, had they had a thing the story might’ve been different, but they didn’t, they didn’t have a thing.   
  
‘Listen, one blowjob doesn’t make me his caretaker, and for you to assume that Justin would even want me there is rather presumptuous.’   
  
‘I didn-’   
  
‘No? Didn’t assume, presume or just didn’t care enough to consult with him? I asked your help today because I thought you guys had an understanding, and I thought that it was based on mutual respect for one another. I don’t know what you want from me, and how I see it, whether or not I care, and whether or not we have a thing - that’s none of your business. I bet you mean well, so to save us both some dignity, I’m just going to end this phone call right now and pretend it never took place. Good night.’   
  
Afterwards Brian had regretted losing his cool. It had taken him quite a while to calm down as, for whatever reason, yelling at Aaron Coady on the phone in the early hours of the night left him hot and bothered. He had decided that the easiest way to relax would be to masturbate and as he was already naked, half of the job was basically done. He’d taken a seat at the living room sofa and closed his eyes in concentration. The first image behind his closed lids had been Justin’s smile and Brian’s imagination had ran with it - taking him all the way to Rio like Aaron had suggested.   
  
Brian sighed and stepped out of the shower. He had only wanted some innocent flirting and discussion about snake hearts - instead he had been given a three hour ride on the emotional rollercoaster of doom. A fucking nightmare. He dried himself off and walked to his phone in the living room. He wanted to send Justin a message, but didn’t know what to say - what could one say in such a situation?   
  
His head hurt. He re ally hadn’t asked for any of this. He wanted to call Tracy, but knew that the queen was out on a date. Fuck the situation, fuck Justin and fuck Needles in particular. He could barely keep his own shit together; he was not cut to deal with someone else’s. Brian felt nauseous just thinking about it. He pulled on a pair of college pants he happened to find in the kitchen and opened the window a little. He really needed to smoke. He opened the kitchen cabinet he kept his weed in, only to come empty-handed. Shit. He was out. He tapped his nails to the kitchen counter nervously. What now?   
  
He glanced to the clock on the wall to see the time. Could he still get some? Probably not, not today. He glanced outside of the kitchen window and saw that the liquor store across the street was open. He glanced back to the clock, it wasn’t 2am yet. He could just drop in, buy a beer, not a big deal. Brian stopped his thoughts. This was dangerous. The thought pattern was dangerous. He started pacing back and forth in the kitchen, glancing at the store every now and then. Fuck. He left the kitchen to the living room; at least the window was facing another direction. A small mercy. He took a deep breath to calm himself. He had options, he knew that. The things he needed to do were really simple: eat, sleep and talk. Simple. At least now he knew the emerging signs. Addiction was not something to play with; he needed to calm down. He walked back to the living room and took a seat at the sofa before dialling the number he knew would pick up at this hour.   
  
A 45 minute chat made him feel better and more stable. He fiddled with his phone and wondered about Justin again - would it be worth it? If he wasn’t willing to risk it now, would he ever be? And truthfully, maybe that was all that Justin wanted, harmless flirting and some sexual tension to keep them both energised? If that was the goal, it was definitely working.   
  
Brian sighed and opened WhatsApp. It was true, whatever this thing was with Justin, they could figure it out later, but they were first and foremost friends, and a friend deserved a ‘I hope you’re ok’-message after a panic attack -- and in the end, that was all that mattered.

  
  
* * * 

  
It was 7 am in Rio when Justin’s smartphone vibrated as a sign of a new received message.   
  
Brian: ‘Interacting with Needles really makes a man want to angry-fuck something, I can see why you kept him around for so long. I hope sending him to check on you wasn’t a shitty move, if so, I’m at your mercy.’

 


	7. Puppet

Brian was excited. This was going to be brilliant and solve all of his problems. Every. Single. One. When Trixie had reluctantly agreed to the movie night, on the condition that she could bring Kim Chi with her, ‘For emotional support.’ Brian had immediately agreed. Whatever it took to make Tracy sit down and watch Contact. 

He had made the effort to buy chips, and as he didn’t actually own a DVD player, he had downloaded a copy of the movie. Then he had spent two hours on Youtube learning how to connect his laptop to the TV without getting even slightly annoyed. Because after this night, Tracy would understand all the references and jokes. She would acknowledge his superiority as a movie critic and learn the importance and meaning of life. They could make Contact-jokes together -- rather than Trixie trying to strangle him after one -- and they would make more money on UNHhhh! Because, obviously, they would laugh more and the fans would love it! And he would get a raise. And RuPaul would call and tell them she had made a terrible mistake, take the crown away from Violet and give it to them to share. Brian didn’t dwell too deeply on why they were given the season 7, rather than the All Stars 2 crown in his fantasy. As the newly crowned Royal Couple they would reign in harmony consisting of Mattel makeup and weird humour, they would ban seriousness, insist on better social media behaviour and force everyone to accept feminism as the most superior ideology. Every twink in town would want a piece and Katya would never ever have to worry about money, sex, fame or friendship. Because that was exactly how amazing this movie was.

The doorbell rang and Brian wanted to squeal - only couple of more hours to his new perfect life! He ran to the door and was smirking widely as he opened it. 

‘Welcome, welcome,’ he sing-songed and stepped aside so that Brian and Sang-Young could walk in.    
  
‘Have you seen the new Marco Marco show? Sang was telling me about it in the elevator and I really want to see if Raja was actually high!’ Brian started without a greeting and walked straight to the kitchen to put down the bags he was carrying. Sang-Young followed him in and greeted Brian at the door with a nod and an apologetic smile.    
  
‘No, haven’t seen it,’ Brian shrugged while closing the door. He hadn’t been there and did not really see the point of watching a fashion show from a screen. He walked next to Brian to see what he had brought.   
  
‘Brian?’ came Sang-Young’s uncertain voice behind the pair and both Brians turned to face him, replying simultaneously: ‘Hmm?’ ‘Yes?’    
  
Sang-Young eyed between them in confusion. ‘Ok, that’s just weird.’ He was quiet for a moment and then shook his head. ‘Ok, I’m going to call you Katya, because... Because Brian is Brian.’    
  
Brian smirked and grabbed the red lipstick he saw lying on the kitchen counter. He turned, opened the lipstick, grabbed Brian’s chin and smirked while starting to add the colour onto his lips: ‘See, Katya, Brian is Brian.’   
  
Katya rolled her eyes. ‘I really don’t need to be dolled up to be called Katya,’ she insisted.   
  
‘Oh but you do, you so do,’ Brian continued and pressed the lipstick to Katya’s cheek. ‘Beauty spot,’ he explained, smiled and turned back to the bags he had brought.    
  
‘So, we decided that we’re doing vegetables and dip as a movie snack, so we got carrots, cucumber, tomatoes, broccoli and cauliflower - where are your chopping boards?’ Brian explained and looked at Katya, expectantly.    
  
She pointed at one of the drawers and looked at the vegetables on the counter, confused. ‘But, I’m not on a diet?’ She then noted, pouting. 

Brian turned on his heels and Sang-Young crossed his arms over his chest. Brian frowned accusingly. Katya got the message. She lifted her hands in surrender and smiled the sweetest smile she could muster: ‘But because I’m a very supportive friend and have actually considered becoming vegan, I might as well start today!’ 

She reached for a knife from one of the drawers and started chopping.   
  
‘That’s what I thought,’ Brian snorted and Sang-Young chuckled.    
  
‘You can’t actually eat the dip if you go vegan,’ Sang-Young pointed out and tried really hard not to laugh as he watched Katya dramatically crumble to the floor.    
  
‘But, but, but,’ Katya fake-sobbed. ‘How can I eat fresh, raw broccoli without a dip? It’ll, it’ll be disgusting...’   
  
‘By not becoming vegan, you half-wit, just vegetarian,’ Brian huffed and kept chopping the broccoli. Katya jumped up.   
  
‘Oh, you genius!’ she exclaimed, but before she had the chance to hug Brian, the man had turned and was pointing the knife at her. ‘Do. Not. Kiss me with those lips.’    
  
‘Not even a little?’ Katya confirmed, looking at the knife.    
  
‘No,’ was Brian’s forceful reply.   
  
Katya glanced at Sang-Young speculatively, but the Korean had made an ex from his hands and was shaking his head forcefully. He was not up to kissing either. Bummer. Katya shrugged, indifferently. ‘Can’t blame girl for trying.’   
  
Brian rolled his eyes. ‘You could try helping, rather than trying to molest someone.’   
  
‘Molesting someone helps me with my anxiety,’ Katya noted.    
  
‘I wish you used xanax, like regular people, rather than self-medicating with weirdness,’ Brian huffed.    
  
‘It’s the money issue,’ Katya pondered. ‘Weird is cheaper.’   
  
‘Not with hookers,’ Sang-Young thought out loud and Katya and Brian turned to him in surprise. ‘Or, that’s what I’ve heard,’ he added. Katya and Brian both snickered.   
  
‘Right you are, sis, right you are!’   
  
‘Can we watch the Marco Marco show before the film?’ Brian asked after composing himself.    
  
Katya shrugged indifferently: ‘Well, I mean, I assume it’s on Youtube?’    
  
‘Yeah, and I know how to connect your laptop to a TV, so we can watch from a bigger screen -  we even brought the adapter,’ Sang-Young offered and Katya swore silently. She had not only bought the adapter, but also wasted two hours on Youtube earlier for nothing.    
  
‘It’s already connected,’ Katya muttered and Brian stopped chopping.    
  
‘You’re kidding?’    
  
Katya shook her head, refusing to meet Brian’s eyes as the man huffed in annoyance.    
  
‘This bitch refuses to buy an adapter, claiming she does not need one, and we end up watching hours of Netflix on this teeny-tiny laptop. Then, one mention of Contact. ONE! And she buys an adapter… Fucking unbelievable,’ Brian shook his head and went back to chopping.  

‘It’s in the livingroom,’ Katya said helpfully to Sang-Young and showed the way. She could feel Brian’s annoyance on her as she walked away from the kitchen.   
  
‘Oh, nice, can I?’ Sang-Young asked as they arrived to the living room and indicated towards the laptop. Katya nodded and chose the right setting from the television. In two seconds they had Youtube on the screen and then they also had ‘#MarcoMarcoShow | Collection Five | A Night In The Red Light’ from Wow Presents.   
  
‘It’s over 30 minutes long?’ Katya asked, slightly frustrated. She had been promised a movie night. A movie night that might not actually change her life at all, but at least she could watch her favourite movie with her friends.    
  
‘Yes, it is, and it’s a good compromise. You watch this with us and then we watch Contact with you. Afterwards we’ll make a pact not to torture each other ever again,’ Brian reasoned and set a bowl of vegetables and a bowl of dip onto the coffee table.    
  
‘You’re done?’ Katya asked, slightly impressed how quickly Brian had prepared the snacks.    
  
‘Yes, because I’m very efficient woman and can do multiple things at once, unlike some,’ Brian said and took a seat at the sofa. He was clearly still annoyed. Katya glanced at Sang-Young, who shrugged and took a seat at the only arm chair, forcing Katya to take a seat next to Brian. Katya didn’t necessarily agree that she had done anything wrong, but she understood where he was coming from. At least she thought she did, in theory.    
  
‘I’m sorry,’ Katya said quiety as the show started. Brian rolled his eyes, but lifted his arm, so that she could cuddle closer. Katya leaned in and smiled. She turned her gaze to the TV and just a couple of seconds into the show it hit her, why people might want to spend 30 or so minutes watching a Marco Marco show. She could list two excellent reasons for it: Half-naked, and men.    
  
Brian and Sang-Young started to discuss whom they found attractive. Who could walk and who could not. Katya was just enjoying the eye candy. 

‘Girl! He totally broke one of the poles!’ Brian exclaimed and pointed at the screen. ‘Go back, go back!’

Sang-Young leaned to the laptop and re-set the time. 

‘Not that much, just before Courtney,’ Brian instructed.

Sang-Young clicked the time to 4:00 and pressed play.    
  
‘Look at the guy next to Courtney,’ Brian explained. The entire group burst to laughter as they watched one of the models struggle with a pole, trying to be discreet.   
  
‘Oh my god, look at him work it after destroying the set. I bet his boyfriend is like ‘This is the reason I cannot take you anywhere!’,’ Brian laughed. 

  
‘Or maybe that’s why he takes him everywhere. Entertainment value,’ Sang-Young chuckled and Katya had to agree. She reached for a carrot, dipped it and fed Brian, who didn’t once move his eyes from the screen. He seemed completely captivated by the show and to Katya, that was a challenge. She waited patiently as Brian chewed, swallowed and then promptly offered him a piece of broccoli. Then a cucumber, a carrot, a piece of cauliflower, a second, and as she was reaching for the first tomato, to offer it to the completely oblivious Brian, she heard a familiar tune.    
  
  
~~  _ La la-la-la-la // La la-la-la-la ~~ _

~~  _ La la-la-la-la // La la-la-la-la ~~ _   
  


She glanced at the screen and saw models emerging from behind the curtains. Everything was lit red as the bodies slithered to their places and then, there she was. Standing taller than any of the models, Alaska.    
  
Katya hadn’t had time to wonder whether or not Alaska actually would be part of the show, but now seeing her there, dressed up in something that reminded Katya of zebras, it made sense. She got the body for it, and the walk. She was wearing black heels and Katya could imagine her complaining about the height of them. Alaska’s makeup was different, there was something not quite Alaska about it, and Katya had to wonder whether it had been hers or the art director’s choice. The music playing on top of the video was completely off and Katya had to assume that it had been added afterwards; she had seen some bad lipsyncs in her life, even from Alaska, but this time the fault was clearly in editing. Alaska had glitter all over her body and she sparkled as she moved on the stage. She moved her hips from side to side and her hair bounced with her steps. The mic mostly covered her mouth but Katya could imagine the full lips forming the words. To Katya, she looked beautiful. Then the number was over and the lights were shut. Another song started.    
  
Katya shook her head a bit and turned back to the tomato she had picked up earlier, to feed Brian. There was nothing on her hand, however, and Brian was looking at her with a blank expression. Katya looked at her empty fingers and smiled slightly to Brian.    
  
‘I’ll be right back. Need to smoke,’ Katya said and jumped up. Sang-Young reached to pause the video.    
  
‘Ah, no need. I’ll be back in five,’ Katya smiled and walked to the kitchen. Brian and Sang-Young exchanged a look.   
  
Katya picked up her phone from the kitchen and walked to the balcony. Outside she leaned to the wall and fiddled with the phone. Like she had for the past five days. She once again opened WhatsApp and scrolled down to find Justin’s name on the list. She opened the message, the one she had sent days ago, and stared at the two blue ticks underneath the text. It had been read, but there never had been a reply. She sighed and closed the screen. There was no point at staring at the message, staring wouldn’t suddenly generate a reply. She sighed and grabbed the the pack of cigarettes lying on the balcony table. She lit one and took a deep inhale. She guessed she had her answer on what Justin wanted, or didn’t want, as the case may have been.    
  
The balcony door opened and she could see Brian’s smiling face at the door way.   
  
‘Hey there, you ok?’ Brian asked and stepped to the balcony.    
  
‘M’hm,’ Katya nodded and smiled back. The faking came naturally, but felt uncomfortable. 

‘Still no reply, huh?’ Brian said then and glanced to the phone on Katya’s hand.    
  
‘Yeah, but I bet it’s nothing. She probably just melted, you know, it gets hot in Brazil,’ Katya joked, knowing very well that the Alaska melting joke was worn out. There was no humour in her voice.    
  
‘Or found someone tall, handsome and mentally stable for herself,’ Brian noted, leaning next to Katya.   
  
‘Yeah, he probably has a nice hairline too,’ Katya continued.    
  
‘And a good sense of humour,’ Brian agreed.   
  
‘Bitch,’ Katya laughed and felt better. Brian somehow always knew what to say. Katya finished her cigarette in the comfortable silence they shared.    
  
‘Wanna go back inside?’ Brian asked and opened the door.    
  
‘Yeah, but I don’t-’   
  
‘-Feel like watching Contact?’ Brian interrupted. She nodded.    
  
‘Thank the lord for small mercies!’ Brian exclaimed. ‘I knew there was a reason I liked Thunderfuck, that girl is always at the right place at the right time!’ He did a small victory dance. ‘Sang! Change of plans! We’re watching Friends!’    
  
Katya shook her head in amusement while walking back to the living room. ‘Season eight!’ she yelled in her contribution.    
  
They had started from the beginning of season eight and just finished ‘The One with the Videotape’ when Brian wanted a toilet break. He had just gotten back and Sang-Young was about to click for episode five to start when there was a knock on the door.    
  
Brian glanced at Katya. ‘You expecting someone?’   
  
Katya shook her head. ‘They have the wrong door, just play.’   
  
Sang-Young did as asked. Matthew Perry’s name had just flashed at the TV when they heard the knock again, this time more forceful.    
  
‘I think they have convinced themselves that they have the right flat,’ Brian commented and Katya rose, reluctantly.    
  
‘Fucking Mormons,’ she muttered under her breath. ‘I’ll show you some true gender bending realness.’ She grabbed a bright red shawl and a fan to match from the bookshelf while walking past and marched to the door.     
  
Sang-Young and Brian smirked to each other and hurried after her, peeking to the hallway from the kitchen door. This would be a show not to miss.   
  
Katya wore the shawl, opened the fan and was ready to put on the most flamboyant gay act as she opened the door. There were no Mormons wanting to talk to her, however. Instead she was faced with a skinny, tall guy, dressed all in black, carrying a red shoulder bag. Justin.   
  
Justin was looking at Katya in all of her glory, with the red shawl, red fan, red lipstick and a red spot of what appeared to be lipstick, next to her nose. Justin smiled at the sight, but decided to keep to the script he had prepared in his mind earlier. He lifted his left hand and showed Katya a phone with a shattered screen.    
  
‘I know it’s a fucking bad excuse, but it’s the only one I’ve got,’ he said then, uncertainly.    
  
Katya closed the fan and stared at the phone. What was Justin saying? That his phone broke and he couldn’t have texted Katya back? For five days? Did they not sell phones in Brazil? And then the phone vibrated, made a bling-sound for a received message and the screen lit. Katya could see from the notifications that the message was from Sharon: ‘And don’t fuck it up.’    
  
It worked.    
  
She glanced back to Justin who was now frowning and refused to meet Katya’s eyes. She didn’t say anything and the silence finally forced Justin to look at her.    
  
‘I said it was bad,’ he noted and bit his lower lip.    
  
Katya had two options; she could open the door or she could close it -- and that would be it. No relationship other than business, no stress, no media frenzy, no Thunderfuck-Zamolodchikova tumblr gifs, no Bianca del Rio reads, no complicated drama, no responsibility of anyone else’s mental health, no meeting Needles when she didn’t feel like it, no awkward chats with other RuGirls, no need to sort out this Rio mess, no inappropriate comments or nosy inquiries from Brian - or from anyone else for that matter. There really was a long list of reasons to close the door.   
  
Katya sighed and stepped aside, opening the door slightly in invitation. Because, apparently, she had some type of compulsion to prove to the world that he was completely fucking insane. Justin sighed in relief and took a step closer, he then stopped and looked at Katya. 

‘For whatever it’s worth at this point. I’m sorry,’ he said quietly. 

Katya sighed. This should’ve been the time and place to talk about this, but the reality was that Brian and Sang-Young sat in the living room and Katya could almost hear them holding their breaths. They had even paused Friends, which made the flat suspiciously quiet... She glanced over her shoulder and proved her suspicions correct: the two were not in the living room but looking at her from the kitchen door. She really did not want get into this discussion with Justin in front of two other queens, but at the same time she felt like Justin deserved to be humiliated, just a little.    
  
‘Sorry for what?’ Katya asked, tightly. ‘For not acting like a decent human being and answering the text, or for coming up with a lame ass excuse that your phone is broken, or for coming to my door unannounced and interrupting the best threesome I’ve had the pleasure to engage in for months?’    
  
Justin was about to say ‘all of the above’, but paused as the words registered. He took a step back and stared at Katya with a mixture of disappointment, regret and shame. Katya was looking at him expectantly.    
  
‘I...’ Justin was speechless. Then he heard laughter from inside that was clearly Trixie. Brian was having a threesome with Trixie? Justin’s thoughts were like a hurricane; going so quickly in circles that he couldn’t catch any of them. He stared at Katya and finally also her poker face cracked. She doubled up with laughter and the movement revealed Brian and Sang-Young to Justin.   
  
Katya was snickering, Brian was trying to reach composure and Sang-Young was smiling while holding what seemed like a pile of carrots on his left hand.    
  
‘I…’ Justin still couldn’t find any words. It definitely did not look like the three had been engaging in any type of sexual activity, and Justin had always assumed that the dynamics among the three were more or less platonic. He glanced at Katya, confused.    
  
‘Maybe I should go?’ he asked, uncertainly.    
  
‘For fucks sake. Get in -- you elongated, legless reptile,’ Katya snorted and pointed her finger for direction. Justin stepped carefully inside and kept staring at Trixie and Kim. Awkward did not even start to describe it.    
  
‘Hi,’ he greeted uncertainly.   
  
‘Hieee,’ Brian grinned at him and turned on his heels to walk back to the living room.    
  
‘We’re watching Friends,’ Sang-Young said expositionally and popped a carrot into his mouth before following Brian.    
  
Justin turned to Katya, who had closed the door and was now looking at Justin seriously. She took a deep breath.    
  
‘We’re talking about this, but not here, and not now,’ she said firmly.    
  
Justin nodded and a spark of hope lit inside him. He knew he had explaining to do, he’d prepared for it. The only thing he had been unsure of was whether Brian would want to listen. Truthfully speaking, the situation was better than he could’ve hoped. He was with Brian, but didn’t have to deal with the difficult topics. He swallowed and was little taken aback, as he suddenly felt strong arms pulling him close.    
  
‘I’m happy to see you,’ Katya whispered and kissed him with force. Justin answered the kiss with relief, happiness and joy. Then Katya stopped abruptly and walked after Trixie and Kim, leaving Justin to compose himself.    
  
‘There’s glasses in the cupboard over the sink, if you want something to drink,’ she called out as she went. Justin closed his eyes and sighed. Yes, water would be nice. He placed his bag on the floor and put his coat onto the rack before walking to the kitchen. He could hear Friends starting in the living room and shook his head in amusement. Threesomes, jesus, how did Brian come up with this stuff? 

He reached for a glass and filled it with water. He then walked to the living room and noticed that all the seats were taken. He walked to the sofa and took a seat at the arm rest on Katya’s side. Justin could feel that the atmosphere was still a little awkward. He took a sip of his water and reached for a piece of broccoli. He was munching the vegetable as Sang-Young snatched a paper napkin from the table and handed it to him. Confused, Justin accepted the gift.    
  
‘You have lipstick all over,’ Sang-Young explained rather indifferently and turned back to the programme. The comment made Brian jump at his seat and take a good look at first Justin and then Katya, whose lipstick was nowhere as neat as what Brian had it painted.    
  
‘Right,’ Brian commented dryly, crashed back to the sofa and turned his gaze towards the TV. Katya started to snicker quietly, which gradually grew into a full laughter. She reached for Justin, who had dipped the napkin into the water he was holding and was slowly wiping his face clean. Justin felt arms around his waist and was then pulled next to, and little bit onto, Katya on the sofa. 

‘Jesus, give a girl a warning, would you?’ Brian snorted and made more space at his end. Katya sifted and finally Justin was nicely tucked between the arm rest and Katya. He reached his arm over Katya’s shoulders and brushed his lips over Katya’s temple.

‘Thank you,’ Justin whispered and Brian groaned on the other side of Katya in frustration. Katya snickered at her friend’s discomfort.

It was three episodes later when Sang-Young paused the show and looked at the trio on the sofa. Brian’s head had fallen back, against the backrest, and he was snoring quietly. Justin had turned his upper body towards Katya and curled up to her, his arm resting over her waist. He also seemed to be asleep. Katya sat smiling between the two and met Sang-Young’s gaze. 

‘I guess we should call it a night?’ Katya asked and Sang-Young chuckled. It was more like that they already had.    
  
‘I never knew he snored,’ Sang-Young commented then, looking at Brian.    
  
Katya shrugged. ‘I guess it’s the position.’

Sang-Young nodded and stood up. He groaned loudly as he stretched and then yawned straight after.    
  
The sound stirred Brian, who hadn’t been sleeping for long.    
  
‘Huh? We’re leaving?’ Brian asked, and rubbed his eyes while getting back to a more seated position.    
  
‘Yeah, it’s late,’ Sang-Young noted and started cleaning the snacks on the table.    
  
‘Leave it, I’ll do it tomorrow,’ Katya said, also through a yawn. Brian glanced at her and took note of the tall figure attached to her side. 

‘He really asleep?’ he asked and nodded towards Justin.

‘Yeah I think so,’ Katya replied quietly and shook Justin a bit. ‘Hey, Lasky, how about you wake up, hm?’ 

Justin groaned and unconsciously moved away from the touch, pushing the half-full glass of water, which he had earlier abandoned on the sofa’s arm, into his lap.    
  
Katya was immediately up and Justin looked at the water, still half-asleep. He slowly lifted the glass up as Sang-Young threw the rest of the pack of paper napkins into his lap.    
  
‘’m sorry,’ Justin mumbled.    
  
‘You’re the one who’s wet,’ Brian pointed out and chuckled. Justin answered with a sleepy smile while making the napkins soak all the possible water they could. He was wet, but at least the sofa wasn’t.    
  
‘Ok, I think we’re off,’ Brian stated and looked at Sang-Young. ‘You ready, girl?’    
  
Brian got a nod as a reply and as he walked past Justin, he briefly patted his head. ‘See you around, Lasky.’ 

Justin nodded in response. ‘Yeah.’

Katya walked to the front door with two of her guests and leaned to the wall.   
  
‘You ok with us leaving?’ Brian asked and gave her a knowing look. Katya appreciated the concern, but nodded.    
  
‘I think I’ve survived deeper shit than this,’ she snorted confidently. Honestly speaking she wasn’t entirely convinced. Brian could see through her and gave her an amused look.    
  
‘Ok, well, you know where to find me.’   
  
The pair left and Katya sighed. Game on.   
  
She stepped into the small bathroom next to the front door and wiped her face clean with some toilet paper. He wasn’t entire sure how he wanted to deal with Justin and truthfully would’ve liked a little bit more time to think. He flushed the toilet, even if he hadn’t used it and proceeded to clean his hands. Maybe the ‘just friends’-route would be for the best? He wanted Justin to be part of his life and as the younger man clearly wasn’t ready for anything more, Brian should insist on being just friends. On the long run it would be easier and better for both of them. 

He dried his hands with a towel and stared at his reflection. He would find someone else, someone easier, more convenient and less complicated. Someone shorter. That was important. Definitely shorter. He would tell Justin that he had enjoyed the flirting, and that Justin gave amazing head, but that they could flirt with anyone, and he could get blowjobs anywhere. He would explain why it was for the best and how they could keep things exactly how they had been before Rio. Brian shook himself in preparation, arranged an easy grin to his face and walked out, ready for the challenge that waited in the living room. He stepped out from the bathroom and kept repeating silently the monologue he was about to perform when his journey was interrupted by the sight in the kitchen. 

Justin was leaning to the kitchen counter and was holding the vegetable bowl, which was filled with wet napkins. On the counter next to the sink Brian could see four used glasses and in the sink there were the dip bowl along with the knives and chopping boards Trixie had left lying around earlier.    
  
‘I didn’t know where the bin is,’ Justin explained, looking down at the bowl he was holding.   
  
Brian nodded and opened the cabinet that hid the trash can.    
  
‘Ah, right,’ Justin smiled and walked to empty the bowl. Brian was staring at the man in front of him, who had just cleaned after a movie night he had barely been part of. Justin placed the bowl onto the counter, next to the four glasses and turned to Brian.    
  
‘It’s kinda late so, I think I -’   
  
‘Stay?’ Brian interrupted and thought to himself why he even bothered making decisions with himself, he was an unreliable prick.    
  
‘Ok,’ was Justin’s simple, immediate answer.    
  
Brian walked to the dishwasher, opened it and started filling it with the dishes. Justin helped by moving the dishes closer for Brian to reach.    
  
‘How was Rio?’ Brian asked to fill the silence. He wasn’t really ready for anything serious, but the silence made him uneasy.    
  
‘Warm,’ Justin replied. Brian lifted his eyes as Justin did not continue.    
  
‘That’s it? Warm?’ he snorted. Justin smiled slightly.    
  
‘Well, it was also crowded.’    
  
‘Sounds like Violet Chachki’s asshole to me,’ Brian snorted and Justin laughed. Brian closed the dishwasher.   
  
‘You would know, now wouldn’t you?’ Justin smiled, remembering Violet’s words about Brian.    
  
‘How do you figure?’ Brian asked and leaned to the counter.    
  
‘She told me,’ Justin smirked and took a step forward, placing a hand on either side of Brian on the counter, trapping him.    
  
‘She did, did she?’ Brian grinned and looked up to Justin, placing his hands onto his chest.    
  
‘Yes, she did. She told me all about how she wanted to be taken by an older man and feel used. She described in haunting detail the size of your cock, and how you tied her up and fucked her into oblivion,’ Justin said, meeting Brian’s eyes confidently. Brian’s grin changed into a smirk.    
  
‘So, the only fact you really have is that I fucked her?’ Brian asked, amused.   
  
‘Basically,’ Justin snorted and lowered his gaze. Brian laughed out loud.    
  
‘She did advise me to fuck you out of my system, though,’ Justin said and pressed his nose against Brian’s cheekbone.    
  
‘Sounds like her, self-righteous bitch,’ Brian snorted and placed his hands on the counter, pushing himself to sit on it. He then wrapped his legs around Justin’s knees and pulled the younger man between his legs.    
  
‘You like her,’ Justin answered simply and leaned in.    
  
‘As a sister, yes,’ Brian confirmed and wrapped his arms around Justin’s neck.    
  
‘But not as a lover?’ Justin asked, little uncertain, meeting Brian’s eyes.   
  
‘I guess I could, she’s beautiful,’ Brian reasoned. Justin lowered his chin and nodded.    
  
‘Yeah, she is.’   
  
‘Jealous?’ Brian asked. He placed his fingers under Justin’s chin and lifted, to be able to meet his eyes.    
  
Justin’s reluctant answer was simple and truthful: ‘Yes.’   
  
Brian smiled. ‘No need. You’re here, aren’t you?’   
  
Justin nodded and closed his eyes. Yes. Yes, he was. He took a deep breath and forced the emerging fear to disappear. There was nothing to be scared of. It was just Brian. Katya. It was just Katya and nothing bad was happening.   
  
Brian could feel the change in Justin as the younger man tensed. Had he said something wrong? Or maybe the topic was taking a too serious tone? He needed to change the direction of the conversation. He sighed and wondered how much sleep Justin had gotten in Rio, when had he even come back to the U.S.?    
  
‘When did you come back?’ Brian asked and gently stroked Justin’s right arm.   
  
‘This morning,’ Justin said quietly, not opening his eyes.    
  
Brian sighed. This really was not the time or place for a serious talk; he needed to think and Justin needed to sleep.    
  
‘Why don’t we go to bed?’ Brian asked then, and squeezed Justin’s shoulder. It really was late, and it was the easiest thing to do right now.   
  
Justin finally looked up, but he looked uncertain. ‘I-um, I don’t think I’m up for anything,’ he said quietly, like apologising.    
  
Brian chuckled and dropped a small kiss on the corner of Justin’s mouth. ‘You’re up for this,’ he smiled and continued: ‘It involves pillows, a duvet, an ok mattress and sleep - lots of sleep.’    
  
Brian slid down from the counter.   
  
‘Come on,’ he said and offered his hand to Justin, who took it without a pause.    
  
They walked to the bedroom, hand in hand, and Brian offered Justin a T-shirt to sleep in. They changed, brushed their teeth with the only toothbrush Brian happened to own and crawled into the bed. Justin snuggled closer immediately after Brian had settled and threw his hand over Brian’s waist.    
  
‘Brian?’ Justin whispered in the darkness.   
  
‘Hm?’    
  
There was a short silence and Brian wondered whether Justin had heard him.    
  
‘Thank you.’   
  
Brian frowned. ‘For?’  Again he only got silence.

‘For lending me the toothbrush,’ Justin said then, quietly. There was so much more he needed to thank for, so many things he needed to apologise for, needed to explain -- but right here, right now, this was everything he was capable of.    
  
Brian chuckled.

‘Any time, honey.’


	8. Stun

[ Saturday evening, present day ] **  
** **  
** Brian looked at the couple on the stage and smiled. They really did work well together. Alaska’s dry jokes gave extra boost to Gia Gunn’s whiny commentary and the audience loved it. Brian smiled and took a sip of the ginger ale Alaska had left him with.    
  
She looked beautiful, standing there, with her long blond hair and tight red dress. Gia was dancing around her in circles and they were clearly enjoying the spotlight. Brian chuckled. It had been difficult but increasingly better three weeks, since he had woken up next to Justin.   
  
  
**   
  
  
[ Tuesday morning, three weeks ago]   
  
Justin stretched and groaned. He was warm and comfortable. The morning sun was playing with the dust in the air and lit parts of the bedroom floor. There was a warm body pressed to his side.    
  
Justin turned away from the contact, he really needed to use the toilet, but as he prepared to stand up an arm reached over his chest and pulled him into an embrace.    
  
'Morning,' Brian mumbled against Justin’s neck. Justin closed his eyes and smiled. Brian's hug felt comfortable but new. Justin hadn't planned on spending the night. He had wanted to explain, to apologise, to talk, but the mere presence of Brian somehow messed with the signals between his brain and mouth.    
  
The intended refusal when asked to stay had come out as an easy 'Okay'. The intended thank you for opening the door, for letting him stay, for being willing to listen, had changed into a thank you for a lended toothbrush. The entire monologue he had memorised, practiced and titled ‘This is going to be another Needles/Thunderfuck-fuck-up, and we shouldn’t do it’, had been erased from his memory by one single kiss in the hallway.   
  
Justin bit his lower lip. How in the hell was he going to explain himself to Brian now, after spending the night?    
  
Brian pressed another kiss onto his neck and Justin sighed. It felt so good. Brian felt so good. Justin could feel Brian’s morning erection pressing against him and chuckled. The man wasn’t even trying to hide his condition. Shameless.    
  
‘Give me two seconds?’ Justin whispered, without turning to face the man.   
  
‘Sure.’   
  
Justin made his way to the bathroom and glanced himself at the mirror. He looked surprisingly calm and well rested. The surface did not match the insides. He knew he couldn’t do this, not to Brian who had quickly become one of his closest friends. At the same time he seemed completely incapable of stopping the train that was headed straight to the annual gathering of masochists anonymous. The situation was a mess and entirely his own making.    
  
He peed sitting down as he felt little light headed and washed his hands. He then picked up the toothbrush he had used yesterday and started brushing his teeth. What would he say? How could he explain that he was going to say no to something that felt so right? Especially after last night, when every single one of his actions had sent an entirely different message? He was painfully aware how he had used the situation, used Brian’s kindness -- and for what? Just to be faced with an even more difficult situation in the morning.    
  
'Either you're some type of hygiene freak, or you are avoiding me,' came Brian's voice behind him and Justin glanced at the door through the mirror.    
  
'I'm avoiging uu,' he mumbled around the brush.   
  
'Thought so,' Brian smirked and walked to Justin. He hugged Justin from behind and placed his forehead against Justin’s back.    
  
‘I'm so horny it feels like small snails crawling inside my balls.'    
  
Justin grimaced, closing his eyes. He had the perfect comeback, but it would read as permission. Permission for Brian to go for it, to fuck him right there and then. But there would be no turning back afterwards. Justin couldn’t go back being just friends after that, not when he felt so much for the other man. It was a battle between common sense and heart’s desire -- and Justin had decided long ago not to trust desires, they were fickle. Destructive even.   
  
Justin spat toothpaste into the sink and squeezed the toothbrush in his hand as he quietly muttered: ‘We can’t do this.’   
  
Justin could feel Brian tensing behind him and squeezed his eyes close. There was pressure around his chest.

  
‘Hm?’ Brian asked and lifted his head from Justin’s back. His hands slipped away from Justin’s waist, breaking the embrace Justin had been enclosed in just seconds ago. The absence hurt.    
Justin swallowed and tried to keep his breaths even.    
  
‘We can’t do this,’ he repeated, more clearly.    
  
‘I heard you the first time,’ Brian replied. His tone was cold and he was clearly expecting more, expecting the explanation Justin didn’t have. Or, he did, but it wasn’t good enough. It was selfish and cowardly.    
  
Justin kept his eyes closed. He could feel his emotions taking hold and he was certain he would cry if he made the mistake of looking at Brian. He could only imagine the betrayed look on Brian’s face. He didn’t want any visual confirmation for what he knew to be true; that he had just dropped the crystal glass holding Brian’s hopes and dreams onto the tiled bathroom floor and then stepped onto it to make sure the destruction was complete.   
  
‘I’m going to fuck it up, like I did last time, like I do, and it’s going to be worse, because I’m going to take you down with me and-- and I don’t want to be responsible for that,’ Justin said quickly and leaned to the sink.    
‘I don’t want to do that to you -- and I will. I will,’ he continued. It felt like the words were just pouring out and they made no sense. In his head he knew what he meant, but he had no idea whether Brian understood a word he was saying. He took a deep breath.   
  
There was a silence and Justin was certain Brian would tell him to get the fuck out of his apartment. Yesterday Justin had taken full advantage of Brian’s kindness and of the feelings he knew Brian had for him. It was disgusting.  _ He _ was disgusting. But at the same time he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t give in to the possibility of ‘them’. He didn’t even know where his clothes were. Probably next to the bed in the bedroom?   
  
Brian’s actual reply was, however, even worse than what Justin imagined.    
  
‘Well, the snails are definitely gone.’   
  
The answer was absolutely ridiculous. It was absurd and weird. It was funny and Brian. It was so very Brian that it hurt. Justin burst out a half-laugh-half-cry and relying on the support of the sink, slid to the floor. He could feel the tears on his cheeks and swore silently. He hid his face behind his hands and shook through the half-sob-half-laugh chaos he was trapped in. He had no right to do this, to hurt someone and then want to be comforted for it. How was it even possible feel despair and pain, and simultaneously find something absolutely hilarious? It was absurd.    
  
It was even bigger surprise to Justin, when Brian slowly straddled onto his lap and pulled his upper body into a firm hug.    
  
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to push you over the edge like that,’ Brian apologised and swayed a little. He stroked Justin’s back and gave the man time to calm down. ‘And in case you didn’t get the memo or somehow forgot, you’re my favorite and I will always be your friend,’ he added.   
  


Justin replied by wrapping his arms around Brian and holding the man close. He knew he didn’t deserve it. 

 

**   
  
  
[ Present day, Saturday evening ]   
  
Brian took another sip of the ginger ale and sighed. It had been three weeks since they’d eaten breakfast together in his kitchen and by mutual silent agreement decided not to talk about their feelings for one another after the bathroom incident. Brian wanted to call it toilet-gate, but it didn’t quite flow as well as he would’ve liked it to. They had talked about easy things, like fans, Adore Delano, makeup, Brian’s workout routine and dogs. They’d worked very hard that day to make sure that their friendship would last and that it wouldn’t get weird between them. But as Justin had closed the front door behind him in the sunny afternoon, Brian had been overwhelmed with emotions.    
  
Yes, it had hurt when Justin had said that they shouldn’t give ‘them’ a chance. It had felt like Buffy had mistaken him for a vampire and rammed a wooden spear through his heart. But Justin’s words had also revealed how scared he was, and how much he wanted to protect Brian from the chaos and destruction Justin seemed to think he brought with him. The action spoke volumes; it was caring, and  loving. The willingness and determination to let ‘them’ go, when it was obvious that Justin wanted it, made Brian feel sorry for the younger queen and he’d felt something warm and fuzzy growing inside him. Brian refused to call it love, so he called it care. He cared, deeply.    
  
Brian glanced at the stage and laughed at Alaska’s expressions during ‘Stun’. She truly was amazing. It had taken them couple of tries to get back into the easy going friendship but this week had been best so far and when Justin had invited Brian to come and see the show, and told him that he would like to introduce Brian to someone, he had immediately agreed. In the depths of his gut he was secretly scared that this ‘someone’ might be someone Justin was seeing, but at the same time he kept reminding himself that snakes needed love too and that if Justin had found someone to give him that - someone it would be easy with - then Brian would be happy for him, even if it killed him.    
  
He’d arrived to the club barely in time to catch Alaska, who was rushing to get ready. She’d abandoned her barely touched ginger ale to Brian and made him swear that he wouldn’t leave too early. Then she had pointed him to his seat and disappeared. Now the show was almost over and Brian was thinking whether to wait patiently or just -    
  
‘Hi, you must be Brian?’   
  
Brian lifted his eyes to meet a beautiful Asian boy. Flawless, really. He reminded Brian of someone, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. The boy was smiling and Brian was confused.    
  
‘Hi! Um, yes. I’m Brian, but no idea whether I’m the Brian you’re looking for.’   
  
The boy laughed. ‘She mentioned you have a sense of humour.’   
  
Now, that did sound like someone had described him to the boy.    
  
‘She?’ Brian prompted   
  
‘Ah, Alaska, she didn’t mention me?’   
  
Brian shook his head. What in the name of RuPaul was going on?    
  
‘Oh... Well, this is embarrassing,’ the boy mumbled and fell silent.    
  
Brian had a weird feeling that someone was pulling a prank on him, but decided to go with it.    
  
‘It’s probably my fault, that she didn’t mention you. I was late, you see, and didn’t get to talk to her much before the show,’ Brian explained and kicked the chair next to him towards the boy. ‘Do take a seat.’   
  
‘Thanks. Yeah ok, that would explain it,’ the boy smiled with a perfect white row of teeth. ‘I’m Tae-Jeong, but people just call me Tim.’   
  
Brian chuckled. ‘I know all about difficult names, trust me. Say, what was Alaska supposed to tell me?’   
  
The boy laughed and Brian could hear he was nervous.   
  
‘Well, I guess I’ve been complaining too much about being single lately, and then last week she suddenly mentioned that she might know someone who could handle me and promised to set it up, so... yeah,’ the boy, Tim, babbled.    
  
Brian was slightly taken aback. Justin had set him up for a date? Without telling him? He glanced to the stage and then back to the boy. He looked barely 15. Someone was clearly pulling a prank. He just didn’t know who exactly. Or why...   
  
‘I-um, I wasn’t aware I was looking for, you know,’ Brian said, baffled and could see how the boys enthusiasm faded further.    
  
‘Not that I’m not looking,’ Brian hurried to say. ‘You know, I could be looking, I just, I hadn’t realised I had outsourced the looking. But maybe I should’ve, long time ago! Now that I think about it, it makes perfect sense -- and apparently brings results.’

  
The boy chuckled. ‘You’re funny.’   
  
And you’re a teenager, Brian thought but didn’t say anything. He just smiled. He would kill whomever had thought this was a good idea. All evidence pointed to the 49th state. Fucking meddling reptile.    
  
Fortunately the show had finished and Brian could see Gia and Alaska walking towards them.    
  
‘I see you’ve met,’ Alaska smiled and hugged Tim briefly as a greeting before turning to Brian.    
  
‘Yes, we’ve met. Um, could I talk to you for a second?’ Brian hurried to say, before anything could go more wrong than it already had. Alaska gave him a confused look, but nodded nevertheless.    
  
‘Certainly. You go ahead, darling, I’ll be right there,’ she then told Gia who nodded.    
  
‘Tim, help me out of this, would you?’ Gia said to the boy, signing towards her corset and Brian counted his blessings.    
  
Brian turned to Alaska who was towering over him.    
  
‘What the fuck is that?’ Brian asked and Alaska frowned.    
  
‘I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about,’ she said.   
  
‘That teenager! A date! What the actual fuck?’ Brian raised his voice. He was so frustrated.

  
‘I sent you a message about him -- and stop yelling,’ Alaska reasoned.    
  
‘No you didn’t, I haven’t gotten-’ Brian grabbed his phone and stared at it. He had two received messages. Both from Justin. The first one was a lot of text that Brian didn’t bother reading and the second one was a picture of a teenager, the boy, Tim. ‘Shit.’   
  
‘U’huh,’ Alaska drawled.    
  
Brian sighed, stuffed his phone back to his pocket and scratched his head. 

‘He’s barely legal,’ he then huffed. 

‘24. He’s 24,’ Alaska corrected. ‘I thought you liked them young and beautiful?’ she then said, and smirked.    
  
Brian snapped. ‘It was one time! And she basically assaulted me! Violet fucking Chachki was also looking for a quick fuck, not a romance! Jesus fucking christ!’   
  
Alaska laughed at Brian’s obvious discomfort with the situation.    
  
‘Maybe you really need to get laid, chill out a bit. You’re obviously at the edge,’ she said contemplatively, but didn’t lose her sarcastic tone. Brian was fuming.    
  
‘I’m going to skin you for this, make a pair of boots and wear them to the next meet and greet. Fuck.’    
  
Alaska laughed. ‘And here I was wishing you’d colonise me as a punishment, oh well, a girl can dream.’    
  
Brian’s jaw fell. It was the first time Alaska had tried the easy flirty tone with him since the bathroom incident. Now was not the time to get awkward.    
  
‘Colonise my ass,’ he snorted and rolled his eyes.    
  
‘But exactly,’ Alaska purred. Brian laughed. It felt good, to be joking around. It was familiar.    
  
‘You really think I should go out with the kid?’ Brian asked then, with a more serious tone.    
  
Alaska chuckled and shrugged: ‘Well, I mean, do I think it’ll be a match made in heaven, no. Do I think it could be fun, yes.’   
  
Brian nodded. ‘You did go through awfully lot of trouble, so it would be rude not to.’   
  
‘Exactly,’ Alaska drawled.

 

**

  
Brian knew that he had only himself to blame for this -- and Alaska of course. But she only deserved approximately 43.9% of the blame. It had not been Alaska’s idea to take the boy to eat mexican, which the boy had hated. It had not been Alaska’s idea to give in, when the boy had wanted to go to a cocktail bar. It also was not Alaska’s fault that the boy was incredibly uncomfortable with the notion that Brian was sober. Neither had Alaska paid the teenager’s shots to make him drunk enough to want to fuck. And now that the boy was giving him the sloppiest blow job Brian had experienced since his early twenties, he really couldn’t blame Alaska. Even if it was totally her fault that Brian knew what good head felt like. She had spoiled him, so Brian thought 43,9% was fair.    
  
‘Ok, off you go,’ Brian said and pushed the boy away from him. The boy stumbled and sat on the bed. He slurred something incomprehensible, fell backwards and promptly passed out. There was absolutely nothing remotely Chachki-like in his insecure and coy behaviour, even if the beauty and the age matched. Age really was just a number, and Brian decided to point that out next time he met Violet - give credit when credit is due. 

He felt like shit and he was hard. Life really did have something against him. He didn’t know where the idea had came from, but he took a picture of the boy, passed out on his bed, still fully clothed, and then of his own erect penis and sent them both to Justin on snapchat with a caption: ‘Don’t quit your dayjob, you make an awful matchmaker.’ He then walked to the living room and took a seat at the sofa, at least he knew how to fuck himself. He had just taken a better position when his phone rang.

The caller was Justin and Brian snorted.

‘Yup?’ he answered out of spite.

‘Want me to talk you through it? Or do you prefer to jerk off in peace?’ Alaska drawled hoarsely.

Brian swallowed. Now, this was not what he had expected. And didn’t they have an agreement about no-sex or something? He wasn’t entirely sure where the line went. Did phone sex count?

‘Isn’t that like, breaking the rules?’ Brian asked, confused.

‘Rules?’ Alaska repeated.   
  
‘You know what I’m talking about,’ Brian huffed, annoyed. He just wanted to get off and be done with it.    
  
‘I think I’ve misplaced the rulebook, so I’m unable to check. I also wouldn’t trust my feeble memory, I’m likely to forget everything that happens tonight.’    
  
‘You’re so fucking evil,’ Brian noted dryly. 

‘Thank you,’ Alaska agreed and then somehow at least an octave lower, said: ‘Touch yourself.’

‘This is weird,’ Brian complained immediately and Alaska snorted at the other end.

‘Shut up, I’m doing the talking here. Now, I happen to know for a fact that the there is a butt plug in the small bathroom top drawer. It’s purple. Go get it,’ the tone was demanding. 

‘I never use it on myself,’ Brian said and made absolutely no effort to move.    
  
‘Go. Get it,’ Alaska said firmly, and then added as an afterthought: ‘There’s lube in the same drawer, I think, grab that while you’re at it.’

Brian had to admit she was right, there was lube in the same drawer, and that would definitely be nicer than just spitting to his hand. 

‘Fuck,’ Brian swore lazily and sighed. 

‘I’m waiting,’ Alaska said impatiently. Brian rolled his eyes. Demanding bitch.    
  
‘I bet you are. Shit.’ 

He made it to the drawer, grabbed the lube and the butt plug -- he didn’t question too deeply what made him do it -- and walked back to the sofa. 

‘Have you got it?’ Alaska asked.    
  
‘Yes,’ Brian answered, leering at the butt plug.    
  
‘Good. Now, let’s pretend I like to top,’ Alaska said enthusiastically. 

‘But you don’t,’ Brian said before he had time to think whether that was actually true.  

‘What did I say about talking?’ Alaska asked, annoyed. 

Brian was silent. That was what she wanted after all, wasn’t it? 

‘Good boy. Touch yourself. But if you come without permission, I will never speak to you again. Got it?’ There was silence. Alaska smirked.    
  
‘Answer when addressed. Did you understand?’

‘Yes.’

‘Good. Now, while slowly stroking yourself, lick the butt plug. Make sure it’s wet all over.’

‘How many hands do you think I have? Where the fuck am I supposed to put my phone?’ Brian was so fucking hard it hurt and he really wanted to twist the slimy snake on the other end into a knot. Infuriating creature.

Alaska shrieked in laughter: ‘What are you, a phone-sex virgin? Get your earphones you idiot, so you don’t have to hold it.’

Brian hadn’t thought about that. It made actually a lot of sense. He glanced around and was happy to notice his laptop under the coffee table. There was a pair of earphones attached to it. He reached for them and re-arranged his position on the sofa. Laying down and placing the phone on his chest.

‘Ok, I’ve got it,’ he informed Alaska.    
  
‘I want you to lick the butt plug. I want you to pretend it’s a tiny cock and you want to make it come. Be generous. Come on, pretend it’s me, you know you want to.’

Brian did want to. Suck Justin off, that is. He eyed the butt plug again and decided that what Justin didn’t know, would do no harm. He abandoned the toy to the sofa. Instead he licked his lips and took a better hold of his cock. Now that felt right. He sighed and could hear Alaska’s approving laugh.

‘That’s it, make me hard. Reach for the lube and bring it home, come on,’ Alaska encouraged.

Brian paused: ‘Wait, you want me to actually use it? Just slide it in, like nothing?’ 

What an earth was going on in that reptile head? Brian prepared the lube but still didn’t touch the butt plug. 

‘Brian, it’s tiny! I’ve seen it. I don’t even own anything that small, it’ll be fine,’ Alaska said laughing.

‘I’ll have you know that it’s a solid 2.5 inch circumference’ Brian huffed.

‘Meaning it’s barely wider than my thumb. Do. It,’ Alaska’s tone was back to demanding and Brian sighed. He picked the toy up and examined it. It was definitely wider than his thumb, not a lot, but it definitely was. 

‘Ok, I’m hanging up,’ Alaska threatened. 

‘No, wait, I’m doing it!’ Brian exclaimed in alarm. ‘Christ, I’m doing it. I can’t believe I’m doing this,’ Brian babbled and lubed the toy, he then took a good forty seconds to actually get it in and groaned as it slipped in place.

‘Good boy,’ Alaska purred. ‘How does it feel?’

‘Tight,’ Brian said. It was good, but not amazing, there were reasons why he mostly topped.

‘I bet,’ Alaska chuckled, happily. ‘Gosh I want to see you, sprawled on your sofa, all ready and throbbing. Must be fucking sexy. Can you imagine what it would be like if I was there, all ready and willing to ride you?’

Brian could. God he wished that was the reality he actually lived in.

‘Touch yourself, slowly. Feel your cock, the shape of it,’ Alaska instructed with her low raspy voice.

‘Shit, don’t, don’t stop talking.’

‘I’m not going anywhere,’ Alaska whispered. ‘I would straddle you and take you in with one smooth movement down. Every inch of you, inside, stretching me. Can you feel it, the pressure, the heat? The small movement of my hips, up and down?’

‘Yes, yes...’ Brian closed his eyes. He was so close.

‘And you would grab my hips, to hold them still, because you’re so fucking frustrated with my slow pace. You want to decide on your own rhythm. Control freak. Faster, would you want it faster. So you hold me still and fuck me with force. Can you feel it?’

‘U’huhng,’ Brian groaned.

‘You close?’

‘God yes,’ Brian sighed.

‘Good. Come then,’ Alaska whispered and could hear all the sweet sounds Brian made as he let go. She chuckled. She could hear Brian struggling to catch his breath.

‘You’re such a bitch. You’re not even hard, are you?’ Brian said then, accusingly.

‘Maybe little bothered, but no, not really,’ Alaska admitted. For her the session had mostly been just funny. 

‘Fuck. That was so good,’ Brian commented and kept breathing deeply. 

‘So, I guess I’m off the hook then?’ Alaska asked, hopefully.

‘Off the hook?’ Brian repeated, confused.

‘You know... Yes, I did hook you up with a bad date, who passed out in the middle of things, but you did get to come in the end, so it was good, right?’ Alaska reasoned.

‘Oh, fuck that! I’m so coming for you, you just wait, you’re going to regret this,’ Brian said and then added: ‘Oh, and honey?’

‘Yes?’ came Alaska’s cautious reply.

‘I thought we were supposed to pretend that you liked to top, you know, in this little fantasy of yours?’ Brian asked and Alaska could hear the smirk in his voice. She went completely silent. 

‘So, I guess, you just don’t have it in you, like, at all,’ Brian concluded and burst into a howling laughter. 

‘Eat. Shit.’ were Alaska’s final words before she promptly hanged up.

Brian was was laughing so hard he was in tears. 

 

**    
  


[ Sunday afternoon, a week after phone sex ]   
  
Justin was fiddling with his phone. Brian was 15 minutes late. He had no idea where they were going and Brian had only told him to wear something nice, ‘Something you’d wear to meet your future in-laws for the first time’, and to be ready at 2PM. He had made Brian swear that he hadn’t arranged Justin a blind date with an Asian twink, and that they were not meeting anyone’s parents. Brian had also promised that Justin wouldn’t have to be embarrassed and wouldn’t make a fool out of himself -- and only then Justin had agreed to the surprise. Brian had insisted to keep it a surprise. Justin sighed and saw Brian’s car approaching. Finally.   
  
Justin got into the car. ‘You’re late.’   
  
‘A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to,’ Brian exclaimed.   
  
‘A lot of lonely nights last week, I presume?’ Justin snorted. What else could explain the random movie quote?    
  
‘No actually, it was on the radio just now,’ Brian grinned. ‘Who am I kidding, yes, I’m very lonely. How about I park here-,’ Brian slowed down, as if looking for a parking spot, ‘- and you give me some love? You can do me in 2 minutes, right?’

‘Oh definitely! A desperate guy like you, 30 seconds flat, but you see, I already had my protein shake for today,’ Justin replied and blinked innocently.    
  
‘That’s disgusting!’ Brian cracked up: ‘I love it!’   
  
‘Just keeping it real,’ Justin noted. ‘So where are we going? And do I need to remind you that you did get to come after your date, so I have high expectations.’   
  
‘Oh, don’t you worry, I’ve got you covered,’ Brian smirked and reached for a paper bag behind Justin’s seat. He dropped it to Justin’s lap and smiled. ‘Tadah!’   
  
Justin peeked into the bag and pulled out a porn magazine. He raised his eyebrow at Brian.    
  
‘Porn? Your solution is a cheap porn mag, after everything I did for you?’ Justin asked, sounding offended.    
  
‘Hey, don’t judge a book based on its cover!’ Brian exclaimed. ‘Look inside.’    
  
Justin sighed and opened a random page. Then he shrieked out a laugh.    
  
‘Oh, I’m so beautiful!’   
  
Brian smirked. ‘I even included your secret fantasy, you can consider it an apology. Page 18.’   
  
Justin found the page and burst out laughing. ‘Oh my, I truly am photogenic!’    
  
On every page of the magazine the guy being fucked had Justin’s face glued to them. Some of the pages had extra illustrations such as toys, wigs, some tops had Drag qualities to them and on page 18 a well-hung, incredibly buff and hairy Justin was giving it to a skinny ginger.    
  


‘Truly a piece of art, thank you,’ Justin laughed and dropped the magazine back into the bag. ‘I guess I’ll read the rest later, in private.’    
  
Brian chuckled. They talked about shows and Trixie, about traveling and weed. They talked about lyrics and music, about whether one could choke on live octopus when eating it and whether it was more ok to eat bugs than pigs.    
  
‘They eat dogs in South Korea, and China,’ Brian was saying while parking the car.    
  
‘No they don’t, that’s ridiculous,’ Justin snorted.    
  
‘No no! They do! Kimchi told me all about it, it’s like summer soup thing or something,’ Brian insisted. ‘Anyway, this is it.’    
  
‘This is a care home, for elderly. It says in the sign,’ Justin noted.    
  
‘Yes, yes it is. Come on, let’s go,’ Brian rushed and opened Justin’s seatbelt for him.    
  
‘Why are we here?’ Justin asked, confused.   
  
Brian refused to explain and instead led Justin through the yard, through a big door and through a long hallway, all the way to something that seemed like a visitors lounge. 

‘Ah, Viktor!’ Brian exclaimed, and raised his hand. He walked to an old man, who to Justin seemed to be at least in his 90s, and hugged him. They greeted each other in Russian and Justin didn’t think he had been equally confused since, well, ever. He stood behind Brian, who then finally turned to him, smiling. 

‘This is Viktor, he taught me Russian years ago.’   
  
Viktor chortled. ‘Pleasure to meet you.’

Justin shook Viktor’s hand politely. ‘Justin,’ he introduced himself.

The day was getting more absurd by the second. 

‘I thought your Russian teacher was a woman?’ he asked Brian.

‘Oh, she was,’ Brian grinned. ‘I met Viktor in one of the gay pubs across the campus and he taught me some actual Russian.’

Justin didn’t follow, what was going on?

‘So, Justin. I hear Brian has arranged us one of those blind-dates you young people like. Is Brian going to chaperone or?’

The shocking truth was revealed and because Justin actually had manners, and a fucking degree in acting, he would keep his shit together. Inside his head though, he had already killed Brian twice. Once by drowning and once by sawing his little precious head off -- and he was going to feed the body to the dogs of South Korea. 

Justin stared at Brian, who could read murder in the gaze. Brian smirked. 

‘Oh, not at all, I know that Justin’s going to behave himself. I have some things to sort out, but I’ll meet you afterwards for a game of chess. Enjoy!’ Brian sing-songed and then the bastard had the nerve to walk away. Justin was fuming. He took a deep breath to calm himself, plastered a smile to his lips and turned to Viktor. He would be polite, even if it killed him.

‘Brian can play chess? I did not know that,’ Justin said, as he had no idea where to start.

Viktor chuckled. ‘He’s a gracious loser and quite talented at being chased around the board.’

Viktor was eyeing Justin, which made the young man extremely uncomfortable. 

‘So, um...’

‘Oh sweetie, I’m not going to jump you, however beautiful you are. I’m just doing a favour for a friend who enjoys the shock value,’ Viktor said kindly.

‘I’m sorry, I...’

‘Relax, he’ll be back before you know it,’ Viktor smiled. 

‘I’m sorry,’ Justin said again. He was truly lost.    
  
‘You repeat yourself a lot, don’t you? Nevermind, not the worst quality in a man. I thought we might go for a walk, if, of course, you don’t mind pushing me around?’

Justin shook his head, of course he didn’t mind. And that was how he ended up pushing a 83-year-old Russian in a wheelchair on a Sunday afternoon in the small garden the care home had for its customers. They talked about how Viktor had come to the U.S. in his late twenties, how he had made a career in the entertainment industry and how he actually was still the owner of the pub where Brian had originally met him. They talked about how Viktor had met Brian and what kind of friendship the two shared. Viktor had some very interesting insights to Brian’s character and Justin realised he was enjoying the man’s company. 

‘He visits whenever he’s got the time, and I really appreciate it. He’s not obliged to. But he hasn’t brought anyone with him ever before, so when he asked for the favor I was little surprised,’ Viktor explained. ‘But I guess he thought it would be harmless, and you really are beautiful, so maybe he wanted to provide me with some visual entertainment as well.’

Justin laughed. That sounded like Brian.

‘He seems to care for you,’ Viktor said then, out of the blue.

‘Yeah, I care for him too,’ Justin answered, smiling. It was the truth after all.

‘Then what’s the problem?’ Viktor asked and Justin was little surprised. How much did this old man know about their situation?

‘There... There are circumstances. I don’t think we could make it through them,’ Justin explained.

‘Hmm,’ Viktor nodded. ‘Like before?’

Justin was taken aback. The man obviously knew more about him than he had previously led on.

Viktor laughed. ‘I might be old, but I do own a TV and even know how to use a computer. Mainly to email old friends in Moscow, but nevertheless. I do know who you are, Alaska.’

Justin sighed. He felt trapped. The entire scenario felt set-up. But why would Brian do that to him? They had just learned to be friends again, and this might destroy everything. Or, maybe Brian was not aware of the topics Viktor had chosen to discuss with him? There was a chance that Brian had just thought about arranging a shocking date for him, and that’s it. Right at this moment the likelihood of that seemed small, but there was still a chance. Justin tried not to draw any quick condemning conclusions. 

‘Let me tell you something,’ Viktor interrupted Justin’s train of thought. ‘My partner died 17 years ago.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry.’

‘Thank you, but it was a long time ago, and he was very sick. A blessing for both of us when he passed, really. Of course, it didn’t feel like that at the time. For the final week he kept telling me to remember to live after he had gone. He kept saying that terrible things happen to good people, but that that’s no reason to stop living.’

Justin frowned, what was this, ‘Good Will Hunting’? He felt like he had been cast into a movie where an old wise man was to guide him through the adventures of life. At the same time the man had a point. Justin sighed. 

‘It’s just, it’s scary sometimes.’

Viktor laughed. ‘Living? Oh yeah, life truly is a bitch, totally awful, but oh, so sweet and wonderful at the same time.’

Justin smiled.

‘Now, how about you teach me some of that Drag language, so I can charm the cute nurses tomorrow?’ Viktor chuckled and winked at Justin.

Justin laughed. Sure, he could do that. 

 

**

 

Brian walked back to the lounge where he had left Justin 45 minutes ago. He knew the prank had probably been a little too much, but he also trusted that Viktor could handle it. The man was genius at reading people and making them comfortable. Brian had himself been a victim of Viktor’s character and knew that Justin would be fine.    
  
He spotted the pair in the corner, near the chess board, chatting quietly. Brian smiled, everything was fine. He approached the couple and greeted them from a couple of steps away.    
  
‘There you are,’ Brian smirked. ‘How was the date? Everything alright?’

‘Stunning!’ Viktor drawled and flipped his wrist appropriately before continuing: ‘Guurl, how about you spill the T about this one, okurrrr?’

Brian stared Viktor in shock for a couple of seconds and then burst out a laugh.    
  
‘And here I was worried that he might corrupt you,’ he said to Justin, who was also laughing. 

‘Shows how much you know about the world,’ Justin snorted. Viktor chuckled. 

‘I hope you’ve come to lose another game of chess?’ Viktor then asked Brian, who nodded.    
  
‘I am completely ready to be shredded to pieces.’    
  
Brian pushed Viktor to the chess board and took a seat opposite of the man. Justin excused himself to the bathroom and offered to get them some coffee on his way back. Viktor told him the name of the nurse that could help him with it and then the young man was gone.    
  
They set up the board and started to play. After just one move Viktor looked at Brian, calculatingly.   
  
‘He’s in love with you,’ Viktor said and took one of Brian’s soldiers.    
  
Brian didn’t say anything. He hadn’t come here to be analysed, he had come to shock Justin, it was a prank, nothing more. Or maybe subconsciously he had come to get analysed? But he absolutely refused to take any responsibility for his subconscious, the bitch never consulted with him first. 

‘I gather this is not news to you,’ Viktor continued and Brian sighed. It really was not. Or rather, he knew that Justin loved him, he just wasn’t entirely sure what type of love it was. All the signs pointed to the romantic kind, but Justin was clearly resisting it. Resisting hard.

‘He’s too scared to do anything about it. Ever. So when the time comes, be ready. You’ll need to catch him, or you’ll miss your window,’ Viktor said then and took yet another of Brian’s pawns.

‘What are you, Gandalf?’ Brian snorted.

Viktor chortled loudly. ‘Dumbledore more like, he’s the gay one after all.’   



	9. Diamond in the Rough

The gig was one of the biggest Katya had attended since the BOTS tour. Everyone seemed to be present and the three dressing rooms they had been provided with were all packed. She had just gotten ready and went for a final smoke with Ginger before the show would start -- they had twenty or so minutes. She grabbed piece of a cake that floated by and the crew member carrying it laughed.    
  
‘It’s polite to say thank you for free food!’    
  
‘Thank you!’ Katya called after the man.    
  
The crew member shook his head and continued his journey towards the basement and the dressing rooms. He arrived to the crowded space and realised there was no chance he could get the cake into any of the dressing rooms, as he had planned. So instead he placed it on one of the tables in the hallway and stuck a birthday card onto it: ‘To the greatest James, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! xoxo’.    
  
The closest dressing room on the left from the cake was swarming with queens. Everyone were fixing their final touches and preparing to give the best show imaginable. Sharon Needles was returning from the bathroom, noticed the cake and grabbed a piece while walking past it. She was ready to shine tonight. She walked next to her favourite state, who was struggling with her necklace, and took a seat.    
  
‘Is that cake?’ Alaska paused, seeing Sharon carefully eating something.    
  
Sharon chuckled and nodded. ‘Yes, yes it is. James has a birthday.’   
  
Alaska frowned, contemplatively. ‘Who’s James?’ 

‘Absolutely no idea,’ Sharon chuckled. ‘Want some?’    
  
‘Oh, yes!’ Alaska laughed and took a careful bite of the cake Sharon was offering. ‘Yummy!’ she exclaimed then and stole another bite, a bigger one.    
  
‘You’re in a good mood,’ Sharon chuckled and examined Alaska’s demeanor. She looked truly happy, a look Sharon had not seen in a very long time, maybe in years.    
  
‘Yeah. I don’t know, I’m just happy,’ Alaska drawled and did a small dance in front of the mirror.   
  
‘I bet it has nothing to do with a certain Russian,’ Sharon teased.    
  
Alaska frowned disapprovingly and stopped dancing: ‘It’s not like that. You know that. We’re just friends.’   
  
‘Sure, u’huh, I buy that immediately after my friend lands back to planet earth from his cobra venom high,’ Trixie snorted behind them and Sharon cackled. Jinkx snickered in her corner.    
  
‘What, really? No one mentioned anything about continents reaching for each other?’Jinkx joked. 

‘Really queen? Montrese already proved geography jokes are not funny, but you just had to go and test the waters, didn’t you?’ Bianca snorted and Adore’s bright laughter filled the room.    
  
‘I’m all for people’s happiness, especially Lasky’s!’ Adore announced.   
  
‘I guess we’re all good at something,’ Sharon snickered: ’And for Alaska that’s stealing -- hearts, that is. Right, Lasky?’ Sharon turned to Alaska, who was leaning to the dresser and taking deep difficult breaths.    
  
‘Lasky? You ok?’ Sharon asked, concerned. ‘What’s wrong?’   
  
Alaska turned and tried to communicate with her hands something to Sharon. It was obvious the queen struggled to breathe. 

‘Is it the corset?’ Sharon panicked and stood up.

Alaska shook her head violently and turned to Jinkx. Before she had time to take one step towards the other queen, however, she crumbled to the floor and gasped.   
  
‘What is it?! Tell me?’ Sharon kneeled next to Alaska and even if the blond had indicated it wasn’t the corset, Sharon started to undress her. It was the only thing she could think of.    
  
‘Someone call 911! Now!’ Sharon heard Bianca yell. 

‘I’m calling, I’m calling,’ Jinkx shouted simultaneously with Trixie, whose voice carried through the building: ‘KATYA!’

Alaska struggled to breath and a single tear dropped to her cheek. Her chest hurt. She just wanted to get some air. She could feel her tongue swelling up. She knew exactly what she needed, it had felt exactly the same last time around. If she could just reach… Everything seemed little blurry.    
  
‘Tracy, why are yo-’ came Katya’s amused voice from the doorway, but as soon as she saw Alaska on the floor she ran and kneeled next to her.    
  
‘What’s wrong?’ she raised her voice and Alaska grabbed Katya’s wrist. She tried her best to breathe but mainly just made whingy sounds.

Admittedly it was a tiny miracle, but a lamp lit in Katya’s head. She hadn’t actually ever seen anyone going into an anaphylactic shock before, but remembered clearly the discussion she had had couple of months ago with Justin. He had described it as the worst feeling on the planet, like someone janking a carpet underneath you and then you just kept falling into emptiness. The first time it had happened Justin had been with Cory, who had called an ambulance. After the conversation Katya had googled how one used an EpiPen, mainly out of curiosity. 

‘It’s in the bag, right? Tell me it’s in the bag!’ Katya asked, panic in her voice. Alaska nodded franticly. Yes, yes, in the bag, dear god, yes.

‘Where’s the bag?! Where’s the red bag she carries? Find the fucking bag! And someone call 911!’ Katya yelled to no one in particular, while looking desperately around in the room. In a couple of seconds Justin’s red shoulder bag was pushed to Katya. She grabbed it, turned it over and shook its contents to the floor. Among the items she spotted the EpiPen. She grabbed the tube, opened it, slid out the unit, removed the cap and jabbed it into Alaska’s thigh. She held it firmly in place, while reaching to collect the gasping, red faced blond into a half hug.    
  
‘Shh, calm down, you’re good. You can breathe in a second, just take it slow,’ she spoke gently and pressed her lips onto Alaska’s temple. ‘Don’t panic, give it time.’

Alaska could feel how the epinephrine opened space in her chest. It felt like the best high ever, being able to breathe. Colours came back alive -- when had they faded?

Katya abandoned the unit on the floor after counting to ten and then proceeded to massage Alaska’s thigh gently. ‘Feeling better?’ she asked Alaska, who had buried her head to Katya’s chest. She was taking deep calming breaths as Katya kept holding her.

‘What’s that?’ Katya heard Adore asking quietly.    
  
‘It’s an EpiPen, for allergic reactions,’ Jinkx explained.

‘Why didn’t you do anything?’ Katya snapped to Sharon, who was still kneeled next to the pair, holding the corset laces in her hands, shocked. 

‘I, I-’ Sharon couldn’t find the words.    
  
‘You must know she keeps it in the bag!’ Katya raised her voice and Sharon leaned back, startled.    
  
‘She doesn’t know,’ Alaska said hoarsely.    
  
‘What?’ Katya asked, confused and leaned back, to see Alaska’s face.    
  
‘I was diagnosed over a year after we broke up,’ Alaska explained slowly.    
  
Katya couldn’t believe this. She was overwhelmed with anger and fear, mostly fear. 

‘What kind of a moron doesn’t tell their friends they might die over some fucking nuts?!’ she cried.

‘Brian,’ Trixie said gently behind the trio.

‘How fucking stupid are you?!’ Katya continued yelling at Alaska.

‘Brian!’ Trixie snapped. 

‘You could’ve died!’ Katya continued. 

‘BRIAN!’ Trixie shouted and finally got Katya’s attention. 

Katya turned to Trixie and yelled at her instead: ‘WHAT?!’

Trixie stared at Katya sternly.

‘Calm. Down,’ she said firmly and then it hit Katya whom she had been yelling at, in what situation, what she had said and she regretted every single word. Even if she had a point.

She turned back to Alaska, whose upper body she was still supporting and enclosed her into a gentle embrace. 

‘I’m sorry -- I’m sorry, I’m sorry,’ she repeated quickly and continued: ‘You just really fucking scared me. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean any of that. I’m sorry. I thought... I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you, I just-’

‘Hey,’ Alaska interrupted Katya’s repetitive monologue. ‘I’m ok. Look, I’m fine,’ she continued gently and took a deep breath as to demonstrate she was alright. She then reached to hold Katya’s face between her palms. ‘See, I’m completely fine,’ she smiled and pressed a gentle kiss to Katya’s lips and used her thumbs to wipe the tears that had fallen to Katya’s cheeks without her noticing. ‘See? Everything’s ok,’ Alaska said gently.

Katya nodded and swallowed. She really had thought the worst. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Nothing to be sorry about. You panicked. But I’m fine, see?’ Alaska smiled and wiped also the new tears that had made their way to Katya’s cheeks.    
  
Katya nodded, yes, she was fine now, and Alaska seemed to be fine, and everything was fine. Good. Yes. That was good. Everything was fine.    
  
‘Your makeup is terrible,’ Alaska said then quietly and Katya chuckled.    
  
‘Well, you don’t look so sharp yourself,’ she replied and squeezed the younger queen into a tight hug.    
  
‘You do that ever again and I’m going to fucking murder you, got it?’ she threatened and Alaska laughed.    
  
‘Got it.’

Two paramedics arrived to the room, running.

‘Where’s the patient?’    
  
Alaska cautiously raised her hand to identify herself. She knew they would take her to the hospital, it was standard procedure. The paramedics started to check her over and Katya stood up. She felt shaken and excused herself to the toilet. She didn’t feel just shaken, she felt sick. That had been the worst, seeing Alaska gasping for air like that. She half ran to the toilet and barely made it to the closest sink before barfing all over it -- and not so much in it. She grabbed some paper and started wiping the sink clean when she heard a familiar step approaching. Trixie was the only girl she recognised from her walk.   
  
‘You ok?’ Trixie asked cautiously as she approached and Katya nodded. Sure, she was fine.    
  
‘Yeah. I‘m good, thanks,’ she answered and abandoned the cleaning effort. She stepped to the next sink and started washing her hands.    
  
‘Fuck, that was awful,’ Katya swore and shook her entire body as if to shake off the feeling, if not the entire memory of the event.   
  
‘Yeah, it was kinda scary,’ Trixie noted.    
  
‘Kinda?’ Katya challenged.    
  
‘Yeah ok, it was scary,’ Trixie admitted. Katya took a deep breath and looked at herself in the mirror.    
  
‘I really need to re-do my makeup,’ she sighed.     
  
‘Re-do? You’re not going to the hospital?’ Trixie asked, surprised.    
  
‘They’re taking her?’ Katya asked.    
  
‘Yeah, apparently it’s standard procedure after the… the thing you did,’ Trixie explained.    
  
‘EpiPen, yeah, ok... No, I don’t think they’ll let me. It’s not urgent anymore,’ Katya sighed. 

Her phone vibrated. A text from Justin: ‘You ok? They want to take me and keep me for five hours, for follow-up. Pick me up?’ Katya typed a quick ‘I’m good. Will be there.’ and then faced Trixie. 

‘I thought I was too late,’ she admitted then, shocked. The idea that she could’ve been too late sent shivers down her entire torso. The emotion was so raw, even if she knew Justin was fine.    
  
‘Yeah, I could see,’ Trixie admitted and took a step closer.    
  
‘Why did you even call for me?’ Katya asked, suddenly remembering that Trixie had done so.    
  
‘You told me about watching the video, for that pen thing. Remember? We were laughing that something as tiny as nuts could actually kill someone, and then you made a testicle choking joke.’   
  
Katya didn’t remember, but it sounded like him. Right now it wasn’t funny at all.   
  
‘But that still doesn’t explain-’ she started but Trixie interrupted her. 

‘It was the cake. It’s carrot cake. It’s my mom’s favourite and has nuts in it, and I don’t know, it just clicked.’

Katya looked at Trixie and the absurdity of the situation hit her. She burst out into a loud desperate laughter. She had almost lost one of the most important people in her life to a slice of carrot cake. Life really was a bitch.     
  
  


**   
  
  
The show had been great. Obviously some fans had been disappointed that Alaska was missing, but also seemed understanding as the situation had been explained to them. Alaska’s apologies had been delivered by Sharon and Detox, and all Thunderfuck merchandise had been on -50% sale for the rest of the night.   
  
Katya walked to the dressing room and thanked all the higher powers involved that she hadn’t agreed to do a meet and greet this time around. She wanted to get to the hospital. She took notice that someone had packed Alaska’s makeup, clothes and accessories into a neat pile next to the dressing table Alaska had been using. She walked to the clothes and was fiddling the jacket hem when someone coughed behind her apologetically.    
  
Katya met Sharon’s gaze through the mirror. The taller queen seemed uncertain of what to do. Katya sighed and walked to her own dressing table, just a couple of steps away.    
  
‘I’m sorry for shouting at you,’ Katya said then, while removing her wig.    
  
‘It’s fine, you were in shock,’ Sharon said quietly and took a seat at the bench behind Brian. She was drinking a cocktail and seemed distressed.    
  
‘You alright?’ Brian asked and stepped out of his heels. Sharon actually seemed rather upset, but Katya wasn’t entirely sure how to deal with the Queen of Shadows right at this moment. Yes, they were friends, but you didn’t very often want to hook up with your friend’s ex -- and Brian really wanted to. That was one of the clearest feelings he had. He really wanted to, and he was going to make that known tonight. Because this game they were playing with Justin was childish and ridiculous, and it left him empty and vulnerable. It would be all or nothing. Justin would get to decide.    
  
‘I... I had no clue how to help,’ Sharon said and swallowed. Brian sighed and closed his eyes briefly. He knew Justin and Aaron were close. Who wouldn’t be after a four year relationship and a difficult but successful switch to friendship? That didn’t mean he personally wanted to get close to Needles, but the man apparently hadn’t gotten the memo. Brian wiped his face clean of Katya and glanced to the taller queen.    
  
‘There was no way you could’ve known, he didn’t tell you,’ Brian explained and then something interesting occurred to him. Why hadn’t Justin told Aaron about the allergy? It seemed like a reasonable thing to do?    
  
‘I know. It’s just. I was so scared. Helpless. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so helpless,’ Sharon said quietly. Brian recognised the feeling, the moment when he hadn’t known where the red bag was, whether it was even in the room, and if it wasn’t, what then? He sighed and walked next to Sharon. He took a seat next to her and put an arm around her skinny shoulders.    
  
‘You didn’t know, there was nothing you could’ve done.’   
  
Sharon nodded and took a sip of her drink. She offered it to Brian, who refused politely.    
  
‘Oh yeah, you don’t drink,’ Sharon chuckled and sighed then. ‘You’ll take care of her, won’t you?’   
  
‘If she’ll let me,’ Brian said quietly and was little surprised how easy it had been to admit that.   
  
Sharon nodded and smiled to him. ‘Good.’   
  
She stood up and started walking towards the door.   
  
‘Sharon?’ Brian called after her.    
  
The tall queen turned. ‘Hm?’   
  
‘I’m sorry about the other time too. I got upset, and I shouldn’t have...’   
  
Sharon smirked. ‘Trust me, Zamo, I’ve been in worse situations than being shouted at on the phone.’ Then she turned and walked off. Brian felt it as her way of accepting the apology.   
  
He got out of Katya’s clothes and into Brian’s. He packed his things and turned to leave. He was just wondering how would he get his own as well as Justin’s stuff into his car, when he noticed Trixie through the mirror.   
  
‘You’re leaving?’ she asked.   
  
‘Yeah, I’m done,’ Brian agreed and noticed she wasn’t wearing her heels anymore.    
  
‘You doing the meet and greet then?’ he asked.    
  
‘Yeah, starts in ten,’ Trixie noted and sighed before continuing: ‘Look, we’re friends, right?’   
  
‘No, we’re colleagues forced to produce a youtube series together. I despise it,’ Brian smiled.    
  
‘Well yes, exactly,’ Trixie shrugged. ‘As you friend, counsellor, meanest critic and most adoring fa-- No, scratch that, meanest critic. I should tell you, girl, you need to sort this out.’   
  
Brian frowned. He didn’t want to talk about it. ‘Sort what out?’    
  
‘You can play dumb all you want, McCook, but it’s time for you to get your head out of your ass, because if you don’t,’ Trixie threatened.    
  
‘Yes, go on?’ Brian challenged, grinning.   
  
‘I’m doing UNHhhh with Kim,’ she finished.    
  
Brian laughed before noting: ‘She is the obvious choice, isn’t she?’ 

Trixie chuckled, shaking her head.    
  
‘Be serious. You know what I mean. Either do it, or don’t do it - I can see this half-doing-it is killing you.’    
  
Brian sighed and refused to meet Trixie’s eyes. Because she was right. Trixie was right 85% of the time. Infuriating really.   
  
‘She’s happy alright, because she gets all she wants. She gets your kindness, your friendship, and care, she’s got it all - but what do you get?’ Trixie continued: ‘You always tell me to get rid of the men I date because they don’t treat me right. Well, face the facts, Thunderfuck is treating you like shit -- and you’re letting her.’   
  
Brian had nothing to say for Justin’s defense. Nothing. But he did have an excuse for his own irrational behaviour: ‘I love her.’    
  
Trixie snorted. ‘Oh, trust me, I know. The entire fucking crew knows. I’m surprised there aren’t any tumblr accounts dedicated to Zamolodchikova-Thunderfuck wedding planning. Even Justin knows, and that’s the fucking problem. He knows and he’s using it. It might not be conscious on his part, but he’s still doing it.’   
  
Brian sighed and rubbed his eyes. ‘I don’t know what you want me to say.’    
  
‘I want you to say that you will not tolerate that anymore, I want you to say that you’ll stand up for yourself. I want you to make her uncomfortable,’ Trixie rolled her eyes before continuing: ‘Scared my ass - life is supposed to be scary! She shouldn’t get a free pass just because she happens to be loved by the most generous and kindest man I know!’   
  
‘And most handsome,’ Brian added, smirking.

‘In your dreams,’ Trixie snorted and crossed her arms.   
  
Brian sighed and grabbed Justin’s bag. Trixie was right and he had already decided that tonight would be the night -- all or nothing. 

‘Help me to get this up?’ he asked Trixie who nodded. The discussion was over, and they both knew they had been heard and understood. It was up to Brian now, to sort his life out -- or Trixie would kick his skinny ass. 

 

**   
  


_ Pick me up, my mind and my body's ready  _

_ I'm so scared at the thought of going steady  _

_ I don't want to leave 'cause I like you  _

_ I really like you _

 

_ Lookin' for a diamond  _

_ A diamond in the rough _

 

**

  
‘Hi, I’m looking for Justin Honard?’ Brian said to the nurse, who lazily lifted her eyes from her paperwork.   
  
‘And you would be?’ she drawled.   
  
‘His husband,’ Brian lied smoothly, hid his left hand into his pocket and smiled.   
  
The nurse raised her brows at him, and glanced back to the forms she was holding.    
  
‘Come along then,’ she sighed and started walking. ‘He’s scheduled to be released in 20 minutes. He just needs to sign these and check out at the counter,’ she explained and opened a door to one of the rooms. 

‘Have a good night, Mr. Honard,’ she stressed the name in a way that Brian knew his lie had been detected.

‘You too,’ Brian grinned and waved after the nurse. 

‘Why is she calling you Mr. Honard?’ came Justin’s voice from the room and Brian turned to face him before replying.

‘Because I’m smart and sneaked myself in to see you, even if I’m not family!’

Justin stared at Brian and started to snigger, but tried really hard to hide it. 

‘You lied about being my husband, so that they would let you in?’ he then asked, amused.

‘Exactly,’ Brian said, very proud of himself. 

‘That rule is just for emergencies and critical patients, you know that, right? Not for someone being picked up after a follow-up,’ Justin said and couldn’t control his laughter any more. 

Brian was silent for a moment and rolled his eyes, sighing. ‘Well, she didn’t believe me anyway.’

Justin’s laughter got louder. 

‘Actually, I should be insulted, shouldn’t I? We could be married. Like, what is she on about?’ Brian continued and looked at the door, as if expecting the nurse to come back in order for Brian to question her about her attitude. 

Justin tried really hard to compose himself: ‘You’re an idiot.’

‘Very handsome idiot, who could totally be married to you, thank you very much,’ Brian snorted. He then walked to the bed and took a seat next to Justin’s feet. ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Better. I really like breathing,’ Justin noted and smiled.    
  
‘Yeah, it’s one of those things we just don’t appreciate enough. Like ready sliced bread -- you don’t really conceptualise the convenience of it before it’s gone and you have to do all the slicing yourself,’ Brian agreed.    
  
‘Totally,’ Justin chuckled. 

‘She left you these to fill in, and to leave to the counter,’ Brian said and pushed the forms the nurse had given him to Justin.

‘Oh, right. Thanks,’ Justin said and worried his lower lip.

‘Look, I wan-’

‘There’s somethin-’ they started simultaneously and then smiled to each other silently. Brian chuckled and nodded Justin to continue. The younger man grabbed Brian’s right hand into his own and squeezed.    
  
‘There’s something I need to say,’ Justin started again and glanced to Brian uncertainly before continuing: ‘And I’ve spent the past three hours thinking about it, how to say it, so that it’s right --  so I would appreciate it, if you could just listen first and then tell me what you think.’

Brian made the motion of drawing a zipper closed over his lips. Justin smiled and took a deep breath. 

‘I owe you an apology,’ he started and Brian opened his mouth to interrupt, but Justin gave him a challenging look. Brian lifted his hands up in surrender and then gestured Justin to continue. 

‘As I was saying. I owe you an apology. Several in fact,’ Justin said and Brian leaned forward in order to whisper something, but before he had the chance, Justin slammed both of his hands on the bed in frustration. ‘Are you able to do this or not?!’

‘Ok, ok. I’m quiet. I promise. I’m sorry,’ Brian said and sat straighter on the bed.

Justin sighed and closed his eyes briefly. ‘I’m in love with you. I’ve been a little bit in love with you since Europe. Like, obsessed really. I came to see you guys in Oasis and-’

‘Wait, what-WAIT! Oasis? With Ginger, Violet and Pearl? Immediately after the UK tour? San Francisco, Oasis?’ Brian interrupted, once again. He sounded confused.

Justin nodded. ‘Yeah.’

‘But that was months ago!’ Brian exclaimed.

‘Yes, I know. But-’ Justin started, but was immediately interrupted.

‘No, I would remember that, you weren’t there,’ Brian insisted.

‘No, I was, I hid in the crowd. You did ‘All that Jazz’ and Pearl had this sickening light blue dress that I wanted,’ Justin continued and suddenly Brian remembered the night he had asked Pearl to help him with his props on backstage, and how Pearl had said Violet was still at the bar with Alaska -- and how Brian had wondered why Justin had never come to say hello… 

‘You never came to say hi,’ Brian said quietly. 

‘No, I know. Because I wasn’t sure what I was feeling, or I was, but I thought it would be another Needles/Thunderfuck-fuck-up, and I didn’t want to go back to that and those feelings.’

Brian swallowed. It had been months, almost a year. He couldn’t get his head around the fact.

‘But that’s not what I wanted to talk about,’ Justin sighed. 

‘Well, you can’t just tell me that you’ve been in love with me for months, and then expect me to just sit here, silently,’ Brian reasoned. 

‘No, I guess not,’ Justin said sarcastically.

‘Ok, look,’ Brian said and took a deep breath. He was so confused. Justin had been in love with him for months? ‘Just, just say what you want to say. But don’t ask me to be quiet, I can’t do that,’ he continued, frustrated.

Justin frowned but nodded. ‘So, after Europe I realised I had feelings for you, but at the same time I didn’t want to date another queen, ever. So I thought I’d just, I don’t know, do the admire from afar thing,’ Justin explained and then whined in frustration: ‘This is coming out all wrong because you interrupted me!’

Brian chuckled and moved closer to Justin. ‘No, it’s good,’ he moved to sit cross-legged on the bed, opposite of Justin and took both of Justin’s hands into his. ‘Go on.’

Justin gave him an annoyed glance, but continued: ‘So I did that for a while, and then I wanted to get closer and it was so easy, because you were always ready to hang out. And then Texas happened-’

‘I love Texas. Texas is great!’ Brian interrupted and smirked. 

Justin chuckled. He didn’t mind Texas either. Though, maybe in the future Texas should consider forcing people to be more respectful of other people’s privacy? Then again, it wasn’t like Texas had forced him to suck Brian off in a shared dressing room.  ‘Yeah, and things escalated after that. It became more flirty between us, and I panicked, so I tried to avoid you for a while. But then there was the shooting for the music video and you kissed me -- or Katya did.’

Brian nodded. He remembered that. He remembered well. He loved wearing that particular pair of heels now, because they reminded him of the encounter in the dressing room when he had smudged red lipstick all over Justin’s lips and chin.

‘After that I was sold, you were the only thing I could think about. Every tweet and every text became a dear possession. I don’t know, I get too attached too quickly and I hadn’t even realised how bad it had gotten before Rio. It really hit me in Rio. How invested I was to something no one else even knew existed. I had created this concept of ‘us’, which had no basis on any reality -- and it freaked me out. It was exactly what I had been doing with Aaron and...’

Brian reached to stroke Justin’s cheek gently. The younger man leaned into the touch.

‘So I talked to Aaron about it, because he’s been through it with me. He knows what it’s like, and he told me to think it through, to really think what I wanted and what I was ready for. So I did,’ Justin paused for a moment and looked at Brian, who encouraged him to continue.

‘I was supposed to think only for a day, but it turned into the entire Rio trip, because I kept avoiding it, and by the end of it.... By the end I had myself convinced that I wanted nothing to do with you, because it would be the same all over. And that’s what I came to tell you on that night, you remember, when Trixie and Kim were there?’ Justin asked and Brian nodded. Trixie had still not seen Contact. She probably never would. Brian smiled at his thoughts and stroked Justin’s fingers.

‘Yeah, I remember that,’ he said quietly and looked at Justin, encouraging him to continue. 

‘Yeah, so, basically I came to tell you that I couldn’t do it, that I needed space. But then seeing you standing there, in red lipstick and a fan to match -- it made me so happy. So happy,’ Justin repeated and squeezed his eyes shut. Brian moved even closer to Justin, sitting now between Justin’s legs, almost on Justin’s lap, but really just on the bed.   
  
‘I was  so scared that you wouldn’t let me explain, that you’d tell me to leave. And then you,’ Justin took a deep breath: ‘You opened the door further and it felt like my heart was bursting because it meant that you were willing to listen. I was so happy and then you kissed me in the hallway and… And I just buried every single plan I had, every single decision I had made. I just followed the easy and happy. I didn’t think. I didn’t think what it meant for you, how you felt, I just thought about how happy I was,’ Justin explained quietly. 

‘And that’s how it stayed. Up till tonight I haven’t been thinking about you at all. I’ve used every opportunity to make myself feel happy and secure -- never once stopping to think how you felt. Not before it hit me tonight, seeing you crying on the floor, then it was suddenly so clear to me -- that I was hurting you on the process, that you cared.’

‘I do,’ Brian said quietly. 

‘Hm?’ Justin asked, confused.

‘I do care. A lot,’ Brian repeated, wrapped his arms around Justin’s neck and pulled the man into a kiss. 

It took Justin couple of seconds to realise what was happening, but then he answered the kiss with all the love he felt for Brian. Had felt for months. He brought his hands around Brian’s chest and pulled the man closer.    
  
‘I’m sorry,’ Justin mumbled through the kisses. ‘I’m sorry, it took me so long.’

Brian chuckled into the kiss and then abruptly broke it. Justin startled and looked at Brian. Had the man changed his mind already? 

‘I forgive you on one condition,’ Brian said very seriously.    
  
‘Okay,’ Justin said cautiously. Something was not right. 

‘If Trixie ever asks, and this is very important, if Trixie ever asks, I stood up for myself. I made you admit that you have been treating me like shit and then continued with an approximately seven minute rant about how I deserve better. And you cried a little, and then admitted that I was right and made promises to be better, to treat me right, and to love me forever -- and get me cigarettes if I run out,’ Brian said so quickly Justin struggled to catch everything. He blinked after Brian finished, amused.

‘I promised all that?’ Justin asked, a small smile escaping to his lips.   
  
‘Yes, yes you did,’ Brian nodded firmly.

‘And I cried?’ Justin confirmed.   
  
‘Yes, a little,’ Brian nodded again, grinning and continued: ‘It’s my masculinity we’re protecting here, and it’s very fragile.’

‘Yeah, okay,’ Justin nodded, grinning: ‘If Trixie ever asks, I cried a little.’

‘Totally.’   
  
And then they were kissing again, hard.   
  


  
**

 

It’s almost two hours later that Brian steps into Justin’s apartment. He has, of course, been there before, but now it looks different. It feels different. He glances back to the taller man, who closes the door behind them and smiles. It’s comfortable, yet exciting. Little like tasting a new flavour of your favourite brand of chocolate; you know it’ll be nice, but you have no idea whether it will be the best or somewhere on the ok-lines. The thought makes Brian chuckle.    
  
They walk to the living room, but Brian can feel from the atmosphere that it is not their final  destination. He doesn’t, however, resist when Justin pulls him close and presses his lips onto Brian’s. Justin wraps his long arms around his shoulders and sighs into his mouth.    
  
‘I want you so bad,’ Justin mumbles and Brian smiles.    
  
‘Ditto,’ Brian jokes and Justin smirks. Justin then takes a step forward, forcing Brian to take a couple backwards in order to keep his balance.   
  
‘Oh, that’s how it is?’ Brian smirks. ‘You like a bit of control, huh?’   
  
Justin has no time to answer before Brian grabs his right arm and by twisting it turns the tall queen 180 degrees before pushing the arm firmly against Justin’s lower back. He then leans close.   
  
‘Unfortunately for you, you picked the wrong guy to mess with,’ Brian says and bites Justin’s neck. ‘Now, be a good boy and walk to the bedroom,’ he continues, and follows Justin’s every step without releasing his hold. They arrive to the bedroom and with very little force Brian pushes Justin’s arm down, lowering the man onto his knees.    
  
‘We can do this kinky stuff you are clearly into later, but today, just let me take care of you, hm?’ Brian asks and as Justin nods Brian gently releases his arm.    
  
Brian starts his explorations by grabbing the hem of Justin’s T-shirt and pulling it up. Justin lifts his hands up in assistance and Brian gets rid of the shirt. He quickly removes his own as well and can’t help but to look in awe at how beautiful Justin is. Brian traces his fingers gently up Justin’s neck and sends shivers down Justin’s spine. The younger man squirms under the touch. Brian grabs Justin’s shoulders around the neck and gives them a firm squeeze, making the other man moan in appreciation. He then proceeds to explore the rest of Justin’s shoulders, upper back, chest, sides, arms. Brian’s diligent fingers cause Justin to  as he traces the light skin and presses multiple small kisses onto Justin’s neck and shoulders.    
  
‘So beautiful,’ Brian says, mainly to himself, and Justin chuckles. He can’t remember anyone ever calling him that in this kind of situation, hot, sexy, fuckable even, not beautiful. People tend to call Alaska beautiful, not him.   
  
Brian walks around to face the other man, but before he has time to lend him a hand, to get him off the floor, Justin has reached for his waist and pulls him closer. With skillful fingers Justin opens the buttons of Brian’s jeans and pushes them down with force, down to half thigh. Justin then reaches behind Brian and gives a squeeze to the man’s ass before wrapping his arms around him, pulling him so close that he can press his face against Brian’s lower abdomen. Justin kisses Brian just below his belly button, then on his hips and finally presses his face against Brian’s crotch. 

Brian’s cock has been half hard since they left the hospital, but only after Justin presses a kiss at the stem and then licks the length does it grow to its full length. Justin is familiar with the shape and holding the stem firmly, guides the tip between his lips.    
  
Brian hisses as Justin takes him half-way into his mouth. Justin’s tongue is so talented that Brian is surprised the man doesn’t speak more foreign languages. He figures it’s little bit like drawing and makeup, so close, but still so far apart. Justin reaches to hold Brian’s buttocks as he keeps licking, sucking and kissing Brian’s cock. He cleans the precum with his tongue and that’s the moment Brian decides enough is enough. He draws back, bows down and kisses the hungry mouth instead.   
  
‘Up up,’ Brian says and helps Justin from the floor. He unbuttons his jeans and proceeds to pull them all the way down to Justin’s ankles with his briefs. While the taller man steps out of his clothing Brian has time to get rid of his own layers. Justin is standing in front of Brian, completely naked and Brian considers himself fucking lucky, because just looking at the other man feels incredible. He wants to make that gorgeous being shiver in ecstasy.    
  
‘You good?’ Brian asks and gives Justin  _ the look _ . The look whether he needs the bathroom, or wants to shower, you know, the look.    
  
Justin smirks and raises his eyebrows teasingly before answering: ‘I’m good.’   
  
And then they’re kissing, hungrily. Brian takes a step forward and pushes Justin on the bed, following him immediately after. He kneels on the bed, grabs Justin’s ankles and pushes them up as he approaches the man, doubling him over and pressing his hard cock against Justin’s ass as he bends down to kiss him. He let’s Justin’s legs fall onto his shoulders as he lets go of the ankles and proceeds to trap Justin’s wrists above his head on the bed.    
  
The kisses are rushed and Brian does his best to calm down. He lifts his head up and stares down to the younger man who is out of breath, lips apart, begging for more. Brian brushes the lightest of touches against Justin’s lips with his own and enjoys the small puff of air Justin releases in frustration when he’s not kissed. Brian smirks and bites gently Justin’s lower lip.   
  
‘Alluring,’ he whispers against Justin’s lips and then kisses him again, hard.   
  
He slides back a bit, allows Justin’s long legs fall on either side of him on the bed and then yanks the man into a sitting position and climbs to straddle his lap. Now slightly taller, Brian presses his hips against Justin’s crotch by just sitting down on his lap and looks him straight into the eyes. He denies Justin the kiss the man is begging for, instead bowing to lick, kiss and suck his neck. Justin lets his head fall back and the movement causes him to lose his balance. Brian smirks and follows him down. He kisses Justin’s chest and plays with his right nipple. He traces his fingers against the prominent ribs and can smell the slightest of touches of Alaska’s perfume.    
  
Brian grabs one of the pillows on the bed and nudges the other one towards Justin. The lanky queen smiles up at him, clearly following his train of thought. Brian presses one final kiss onto Justin’s lips before getting up and moving down on the bed. Justin helpfully lifts his hips up and leaves his knees bent and wide apart, as Brian stuffs the pillow under Justin’s ass and lowerback. Brian bites Justin’s inner thigh gently on the process, before reaching for the lube and condoms from the small carton box he keeps underneath his bed.    
  
Justin gets comfortable between the two pillows and sighs as he finally feels Brian kissing him on his inner thigh, near to his crotch. Brian, however, completely ignores his cock and goes straight to his anus. Justin shivers as he feels the tongue and lips. It’s been too long. He wants to grab Brian’s hair, but instead just strokes the blond gently. Brian is talented. Talented at kissing, sucking, licking and fucking him with his tongue. Justin can’t remember the last time someone attended him with similar enthusiasm and skill -- or rather, he can, put tries to keep Aaron out of his thoughts. It’s wet, and slow, and fucking sexy -- and as Brian grabs Justin’s cock into a firm hold and simultaneously pushes his fingers against Justin’s perineum to add pressure on his prostate, there is no longer space for the Queen of Shadows. It’s all about Vodka, matryoshka dolls, fur hats and caviar -- and it’s all that Justin wants. It’s more.

  
‘Fuck me. Oh dear God, just fuck me,’ Justin moans and squirms on the bed, grabbing the sheets. Brian smirks and presses a kiss underneath Justin’s balls.    
  
Brian reaches for the lube and arises to a sitting position between Justin’s legs. He squeezes some on his fingers before moving closer.    
  
‘All in good time,’ he says and bows down to suck Justin’s cock while simultaneously slowly sliding his index finger into him up to the second knuckle. Justin groans and Brian stops the penetration but keeps licking and kissing Justin’s cock. When Justin finally shows signs of relaxing Brian presses a kiss onto his abdomen before requesting: ‘Grab my finger?’   
  
Justin chuckles. ‘I’m not a virgin, you know?’   
  
‘Humor me,’ Brian replies and goes back to his blow job.    
  
Justin does as told and Brian hums in approval. They repeat the action several times before Brian is happy and moves his finger. He starts his search. It takes Brian some time to locate Justin’s prostate, the small round button inside the other man, but experience is on his side and finally he can feel it with his finger. He smiles around Justin’s cock and abandons the blow job as he can’t read the man well enough yet, he doesn’t know what might be too much, what might push Justin over the edge and he’s not ready for the younger queen to come yet. He leaves Justin’s cock alone and instead just massages the prostate by crooking his finger slightly, as if calling Justin to come.   
  
‘Fuck!’ Justin exclaims and hits the bed with his right fist. It feels incredible. Brian goes back to sucking his cock and Justin groans in pleasure. He let’s Brian explore and tease him for a while before he literally cannot take it any longer.    
  
‘It’s too much, it’s too much,’ Justin repeats quickly and Brian halts. He abandons the blow job and instead concentrates to fuck Justin slowly with his index finger, only bringing it into the second knuckle at a time, nudging the prostate only now and then, while massaging Justin’s lower abdomen and inner thighs with his other hand. He wants to make sure the younger queen is comfortable, warm, excited -- taken care of. He reaches for the condom and rips the package open carefully with his teeth. He blows a piece of plastic somewhere on his right and slowly pulls his finger out of Justin. He then lifts Justin’s legs on his shoulders and turns to press a quick kiss on Justin’s left knee while he rolls the condom on himself. Keeping the legs on his shoulders he pushes himself up to Justin once more and kisses the man deeply.    
  
‘Fuck me,’ Justin whispers against his lips and Brian backs up.    
  
He smirks. ‘Well, because you asked so nicely.’   
  
Brian grabs the stem of his cock, brings the head of it snugly to Justin’s anus and looks at the younger man straight into the eyes.    
  
‘Clinch,’ Brian says and Justin follows. 

‘Tell me when,’ Brian instructs again, because he doesn’t know the man well enough to trust himself to read his expressions perfectly. 

It takes couple of more seconds before Justin nods: ‘Mm.’   
  
Brian nudges forwards slightly and groans as he is basically swallowed inside. Justin sighs and closes his eyes. Slowly, Brian pushes himself forward and as he sees Justin exhaling slowly, Brian smiles -- it’s not the snakes first time either. Brian pushes all the way in at one go and then halts. Justin is taking deep breaths and Brian focuses on stroking his chest, kissing him anywhere he can reach. Justin feels tight and warm around him and Brian wants nothing more than to fuck the other man into oblivion, but he resists. He is not going to move a muscle before he has been given permission to do so. It takes couple of more breaths for Justin to relax and then he opens his eyes and catches Brian’s gaze. Justin gives the smallest of nods and immediately Brian is all action. He draws slightly back out, only to push back in; testing the waters. Justin sighs and vibrates under Brian’s touches. Brian takes that as permission and truthfully, his patience is running out. He gently drops Justin’s right leg on the bed and lifts the left one up with his right arm. He makes sure he has good balance and makes the first firm thrust upwards, then the second, third and soon enough Justin is groaning and gasping underneath Brian, encouraging him to go faster, to be rougher, to give it to him. Brian is happy to take orders and switches the pace accordingly.  

Justin is gasping for breath. Brian is bounding into him and he is sure he can see stars, or maybe it just feels like it? He’s so close, so fucking close. He grabs the headboard to feel grounded. Just a little more. He’s scared Brian is going to stop but as he tries to form the request for Brian to not to do so, he can only moan loudly. It is probably pure coincidence or alternatively Brian can read minds, as it is exactly the same moment when Brian wraps Justin’s cock into a firm hold that Justin can feel the orgasms taking hold of his body. When Justin finally comes, Brian buried deep inside him and his cock wrapped tightly in Brian’s grip, he feels truly taken care of. It’s not just fucking, though it definitely is that, it’s somehow more. Justin refuses to call it love, because Brian hasn’t actually uttered the words, only he has, so he calls it care.    
  


It’s couple of minutes after Brian’s climax that Justin turns to the older queen, who is sprawling on the bed, looking exhausted. Justin chuckles and pulls the man into a spoon in front of him, he kisses his neck and wraps his arm around Brian’s chest. Brian hums approvingly.

‘Brian?’ Justin asks then, and kisses his shoulder. 

‘Hm?’ Brian grunts. He has no energy to move. He’s actually pretty sure his brain is incapable of forming coherent sentences all together. Not that it usually does it well.    
  
‘I’m starving.’   



	10. Let’s Do Drag

**  
** _Put some makeup on my face, face  
Come on over to my place, place   
We done mashed, cooked, and baked, baked   
Shake and go, cut the lace, lace _

**  
** **  
** Loud and trashy. Those were the words Brian would’ve used to describe the scene in front of him, had anyone happened to ask. **  
** ****

**  
** ‘And it’s between ROLASKATOX!!’   


‘Detox! Give it girl!!’  


‘Hey! That’s not fair! She’ can’t just push like that!’  


‘She already did, honey.’  


‘Alaska is out! OUT! Lasky you’re out! Get out!!!’  


‘ROTOX! ROTOX! ROTOX!’  


‘Ouch! That must’ve hurt.’  


‘Roxxxy! COME THROUGH!!’  


‘Detox’s wavering again...’  


‘Nonononono!!! NOOO!’  


‘Roxxxy is out! OUT! OUT!’  


‘And the winner is D to the E to the T to the O to the HOLD IT!’  
  
  ‘X!’ ‘X!’   
      ‘X!’ ‘X!’ ‘X!’   
‘X!’ ‘X!’ ‘X!’ ‘X!’ ‘X!’   
             ‘X!’ ‘X!’   
‘X!’ ‘X!’ ‘X!’

  ‘X!’ ‘X!’ ‘X!’ ‘X!’  
  
Brian shook his head and laughed. It was amazing to watch. A group of drag queens and their friends in his currently way too small apartment. All on different levels of intoxication and drag. Detox was the only one in full makeup and heels, but it was her birthday, so maybe the others had toned their own appearances down in respect for the Queen of Neon. She was jumping up and down on the twister mat as the winner of the game. Jinkx was reaching to place a pink crown on her head, which Brian knew for a fact Jinkx has stolen from Trixie just a couple of minutes go.   
  
Sharon leaned to the wall next to Brian and glanced at him, amused. ‘Don’t you feel underdressed for the occasion?’   
  
Brian chuckled and took a sip of the Becks Blue he was holding for Alaska, and had been holding for the past 30 minutes. It was amazing really how he always ended up holding drinks for the 49th state.   
  
‘Too busy organising everything,’ Brian explained his attire, or the lack of it for that matter.   
  
‘Or just too lazy to try,’ Willam drawled in his shirt and bowtie.

Roy nodded in agreement, but Courtney shook her head in disapproval: ‘It’s her birthday, you could’ve at least done your hair. Or shaved.’ 

Roy laughed: ‘He tried, it’s just not always-’  
  
‘- as easy as it looks,’ Tatianna continued and threw her hand over Courtney’s shoulders before continuing: ‘Also, I don’t mind him as a boy, much.’   
  
Brian flipped her the finger. Courtney snickered.   
  
‘Why is this party here, anyway?’ Courtney asked and the entire group fell silent. Because everyone knew, but no one was supposed to know and so everyone politely pretended they didn’t know. Collective denial. Courtney apparently had not been updated on the story. Brian sighed.   
  
‘Because Alaska’s apartment is smaller and she and Roxxxy wanted to keep it as a surprise,’ Brian said and glanced back at Rolaskatox, who had been inseparable all evening.   
  
‘That does not explain why here though, they could’ve rented a place,’ Courtney continued.   
  
‘Alaska asked, and I agreed,’ Brian said and for him it had been that simple. A proper house-party, like the old times when not everyone had money for the entrance fee of a club; the days before RuPaul. That was the atmosphere Roxxxy and Alaska had wanted to create and Brian had to admit that thanks to the crowded, too hot, increasingly smelly apartment, that was exactly what they had been given.   
  
‘First she uses your toothbrush, then your dress, then your apartment and before you know it, you’re tied around her little finger so tight your back aches,’ Sharon cackled.   
  
‘It’s a blessing I’m very flexible,’ Brian noted and everyone in the group laughed, except for Courtney.   
  
‘What?’ she glanced at Brian, then at Sharon, then at Alaska and the group could see the realisation hit her. ‘Oh my god! I thought I had seen that horrible dress she’s wearing somewhere!’ she exclaimed and pointed at the atrocity on Alaska: ‘And now I know where! Season seven!’   
  
Tatianna laughed: ‘Yeah girl, ugliest dress runway. I wish I had been there, I have some really good stuff for that.’   
  
‘But, but,’ Courtney stammered. ‘Why didn’t anyone tell me?’   
  
‘Because everyone thought you knew,’ Roy sniggered. ‘Everybody knows!’   
  
Courtney was looking around in the group, and everyone kept nodding.

‘Well, wow,’ she sighed. ‘Condragulations?’ she then added to Brian, who nodded awkwardly in recognition. He never had any idea how to react when people congratulated him for getting a boyfriend. It was weird. However, his awkwardness was soon replaced with amusement as Courtney glanced at Sharon, who was standing next to Brian, and blushed.

‘I, I didn’t mean...’ Cortney stammered, looked at Roy for help, who tried really hard not to laugh and then at Willam, who clearly indicated that she wasn’t getting any help from him either. 

‘Don’t sweat it girl, we had it out at the back,’ Sharon grinned and wrapped her arm around Brian’s shoulders, who laughed and shook his head in amusement. Brian couldn’t imagine himself into a fistfight with Sharon.  
  
‘Really? Who won?’ Tatianna asked before her brain caught up with her mouth. Roy burst out laughing.   
  
Brian looked up to Sharon, who met his gaze, then they turned to Tatianna and said simultaneously: ‘I did.’   
  
Everyone sniggered.   
  
‘What’s funny?’ Alaska drawled behind them and Roy couldn’t help himself: ‘That you’ve picked a Russian hooker over the Devil herself.’   
  
Alaska didn’t even flinch. Instead she lowered her gaze down to her nails, as if bored by Roy. ‘Some see trash, I see…’ she glanced at Brian, before continuing: ‘Potential,’ she drawled and then smiled at Roy, who burst out a laugh.   
  
‘Potential garbage,’ Ginger commented behind them. ‘Now is this a birthday party or what? Where is the cake?’   
  
‘Oh, right! It’s in the fridge, give me a second,’ Brian realised. He walked through the group to Alaska, grabbed her hand and pulled her with him. ‘You’re coming with me.’   
  
The group stared after them, and Willam was the first to break the silence: ‘You think they’re going to fuck in the kitchen?’   
  
‘Yes,’ Sharon and Ginger agreed in unison.   
  
**   
  
Brian pulled Alaska into the kitchen and couldn’t keep his hands off of her any longer.   
  
‘You’re such a fucking tease,’ he accused and pushed the tall queen against the kitchen counter.   
  
‘I have no idea what you’re talking about,’ Alaska drawled and enjoyed the kisses and small bites Brian was pressing onto her neck and collarbone.   
  
‘No? Then let me elaborate,’ Brian said and ran his hands over Alaska’s sides.

  
‘For the past hour or so, you’ve been playing Twister. Which, on it’s own, is an incredibly innocent activity,’ Brian continued and licked Alaska once, from her collarbone up to her neck, tracing her jaw.     
  
‘Then I noticed that somehow, Alaska, your ass is always up, pointed at my general direction and that dress you’re wearing…’ Brian paused and janked the dress once, grabbing Alaska’s ass tightly before continuing: ‘A dress you have no permission to wear -- is way too short on you to hide anything relevant when you bend down.’ Brian grabbed Alaska’s crotch and squeezed. Alaska groaned in pleasure, closing her eyes.

‘So, I can only  conclude from this, that either you are in need of proper spanking for acting like an oblivious whore,’ Brian murmured into her ear while massaging her ass, as if trying to decide where to land the first hit. 

‘Or, alternatively, you have deliberately been teasing me, making me hard in front of our friends,’ he whispered and bit her neck while pushing his crotch firmly against her. Making sure she could feel the hardness of his cock against her thigh.

‘Now, which one is it? And don’t lie to me,’ Brian asked, holding Alaska firmly against the counter.

Alaska pressed her lips together briefly before mumbling: ‘The second.’   
  
‘I couldn’t quite catch that?’ Brian insisted, even if he had made out Alaska’s reply well enough.   
  
‘The second,’ Alaska grinned and bit her lower lip.   
  
‘Thought so,’ Brian noted, grabbed Alaska’s waist and turned her around roughly, pushing her front against the counter. ‘And I bet I’m not wrong about this one either...’ Brian started as he lifted the dress hem above Alaska’s ass and stuffed his hand into Alaska’s tights and panties.   
  
‘No, I’m not wrong,’ Brian concluded as he could feel that Alaska had prepared herself fully. She was lubed and inside her she held the tiny purple butt plug Brian had once used on himself.

‘So what is the fantasy here, that I would just fuck you in the kitchen when our friends party in the living room?’ Brian asked, half amused, half annoyed. He was hard and this bitch was making it incredibly difficult to calm himself down.

Alaska nodded enthusiastically.   
  
‘I don’t think so,’ Brian snorted, removed the purple toy and threw it at the counter. Alaska groaned disappointedly.   
  
‘Unfortunately for you, I’m not in the mood of demonstrating first hand to over 30 people how fucking twisted you are,’ Brian snorted. ‘Because if you’re thinking that we wouldn’t get caught, you’re more delusional than I give you credit for. However,’ Brian continued and a small flame of hope lit in Alaska. ‘As you’re basically begging for it, you can carry this one around the rest of the evening.’   
  
Alaska couldn’t see what Brian was doing, but could feel him inserting something approximately similar size as the butt plug into her. However, unlike the purple toy, this thing didn’t leave the uncomfortable feeling between her buttocks and the item seemed to have some kind of a string attached to it. Brian lifted her panties back up, placed something cold and round against her lower back and then pulled also the tights up.   
  
‘That’s the battery, be careful not to break it,’ he informed her. Battery?   
  
Brian pulled the yellow dress down, kissed Alaska’s neck gently and then showed her the small black remote he was holding.   
  
‘Do you know what this is?’ he asked. Alaska shook her head. Brian pushed the button and Alaska could feel the tiniest of vibrations inside of her. She turned to Brian in surprise. Brian chuckled as he could see the happiness on her eyes. Insatiable slut. He tiptoed up to kiss her.   
  
‘It was really expensive too, it has multiple speeds on it,’ Brian smirked and pressed the button again. Alaska gasped loudly. The feeling was completely new. She had never felt anything like it, it was exhilarating but also little bit uncomfortable.   
  
‘Now, why don’t you go change like you promised, and I’ll keep this,’ Brian said and slipped the controller into his pocket, turning the vibrator off.   
  
Brian didn’t wait for a reply and turned away from Alaska, only to be faced with Trixie who stood at the kitchen door.   
  
‘Oh, hi! How long have you been there?’ Brian greeted her with a smile, grabbed the butt plug from the counter, threw it into the closest drawer and pretended it had never existed.   
  
‘Long enough to know that you two fucking weirdos deserve each other,’ she said dryly, and shook her upper body as if she had just tasted something disgusting. Alaska laughed loudly and walked up to her, she placed her hands carefully onto her shoulders and carefully not touching her hair or makeup gave her air kisses on either cheek as a greeting.   
  
‘Always so stunning, Trixie,’ she said, gave her an innocent smile and walked off. Trixie watched, amused as the Queen of Snakes walked back to the party.   
  
‘How do you even -- you know what, I don’t want to know,’ Trixie started, but decided halfway through that some things she just very much needed not to know.   
  
‘I came to see whether you needed help,’ Trixie explained her presence in the kitchen.   
  
‘Oh no, I can handle her. She’s very well behaved for her age, housebroken, doesn’t chew  on things,’ Brian started while washing his hands.   
  
‘With the cake, not with the Bitch,’ Trixie laughed at the inside joke.

Ever since Brian had started dating Justin, Trixie had refused to call the 49th state anything else except ‘the Bitch’. Not around her, of course, that would’ve not been lady like. Brian had asked her to stop, multiple times, but Trixie was somehow convinced that Alaska needed to have what she referred as ‘a probationary period’, and if Alaska was to pass, then Trixie was willing to forget what had been going on previously. Brian thought she was being overly dramatic, to which Trixie had exclaimed: ‘Bitch, do you even know me?!’ It was all jokes and fun after that and Brian could feel her warming up to the snake. Who wouldn’t?   

  
‘Are you going to do the, I don’t know what to call it, thing?’   
  
‘Yeah, that’s the plan,’ Brian nodded. They had talked about it for weeks with Justin, how to handle the situation and to make some kind of a statement, to ask people for their co-operation seemed like the easiest and most reasonable course of action.   
  
‘While she’s dressed up like that?’ Trixie joked. Alaska’s outfit did not seem to fit with what Brian and Justin had planned.   
  
‘She has promised to change,’ Brian said and glanced at Trixie.   
  
‘And you believe her?’ Trixie asked and Brian shook his head slightly, amused. Would Trixie ever let go? He raised his eyebrow at her.   
  
Trixie lifted her hands in surrender: ‘I know. I know, no Lasky-bashing. I’m over it.’   
  
Brian sighed. He wasn’t entirely sure what would be required for Trixie to be convinced that Justin was not using him, that Justin was actually the one making more compromises for Brian and making sure that there wouldn’t be any extra pressure on the relationship. ‘She did apologise and she has been nothing but amazing since. You’re being a little unfair again,’ Brian said.   
  
‘I know. I’m sorry, ok?’ Trixie huffed. Then she took a deep breath and continued: ‘The dress looks better on her than it ever did on you.’   
  
The peace offering was thin, but it was there. Brian took it. 

 

**

  
Alaska placed the blond wig back on the shelf and reached for the makeup remover. She didn’t have a lot on tonight, just enough to make an impression and have fun. Which had, however, been enough for Brian to critique that she had promised. And truthfully, she had. Alaska could remember the conversation, and how Brian had carefully tiptoed around her before requesting her to be Justin for the night, asking him to be the man Brian wanted on his side. Alaska had agreed to the request, not only to please, but also because it made a lot of sense; to draw boundaries.

She wiped her face to the towel and moisturised. She undressed Katya’s dress and tights, but left the panties on, smiling. The mere possibility of Brian being able to use the controller made him excited. Pulling on a pair of black jeans he eyed the the T-shirt he had chosen to wear for tonight; one of the pink Trixie Mattel shirts Brian had had in his closet. 

The situation with Trixie was complicated. They were friends, but at the same time the Barbie had made it clear that Brian was one of her best friends and were Justin to screw him over, it was Mattel he would have to deal with it. Justin wasn’t entirely sure what that would entail, but he also had no plans of ever finding out -- which was why he was now changing. It was up to Justin to prove, that he could be the man that Brian deserved, not only the other way around.

Justin sighed, fixed his hair and wore his glasses instead of the contacts he usually preferred. He was going to go out as himself, completely. If they really wanted to draw a clear line between public and private, Justin wanted to do it properly. All or nothing, and somehow the tiny details seemed to matter. If this was supposed to be about them, then Alaska really had to give space for Justin. In all of its complexities it made sense, but left Justin feeling little hollow. Brian wanted to appear as a couple among their friends, and Justin understood that, but Alaska was part of him and leaving her out felt… It felt uncomfortable. The decision, however, really seemed like the clearest and easiest way to avoid past mistakes, to do it differently, to draw a line. 

Justin ran a hand through his hair, slightly frustrated. Alaska was a big part of him and to stand completely without her made him feel naked. What he had shared with Sharon, Aaron, both, it had been a mix of them. Mix of everything, and in a way it had destroyed them. Now Brian wanted to draw a line that would not be crossed, and it made sense. Katya would never flirt with Alaska, never have a private show with Alaska, never appear on a stage with just Alaska, and never do a youtube series, a talk-show or a photoshoot with just Alaska. Brian drew the line at vague snapchat videos and instagram shots, anything that would keep the fans happy, but their private life private. The Russian hooker fucked anything and everything except for aliens. Those were the rules and Justin knew they made sense. It would be Justin and Brian, not Thunderfuck and Zamolodchikova, and maybe, just maybe, they could actually make it.   
  
Justin checked himself at the mirror once more. He felt so much more insecure as Justin than Alaska, and he had no idea how their friends would react. He knew that everyone already more or less knew about the relationship, at least on the level of a concept, but only Sharon and Trixie, and now of course Roxxxy and Detox, actually knew how serious they were. For everyone else it most probably seemed like they were just fucking. Justin sighed, better to just get it over with.   
  
He stepped back to the living room and was immediately faced with a surprised Jinkx.   
  
‘Oh, Lasky, you changed?’ she purred, slightly tipsy. Justin chuckled and scratched his head.   
  
‘Yeah.’   
  
He didn’t really know how to explain himself. Jinkx detected the awkwardness and did something completely unexpected. She took a step to Justin and hugged him tightly. ‘I’m so happy for you,’ she muttered before releasing him: ‘And so jealous, bitch, he’s a keeper!’

Justin grinned awkwardly. ‘Thanks?’ 

Jinkx winked at him as he continued towards the kitchen and tried his best to avoid everyone in the crowded room. He spotted Brian sharing a conversation with Ginger and Adore near the hall and made his way to the group. He could make this a problem, or he could enjoy the fact that soon the entire room would know that he was in a magnificent relationship with the kindest, smartest and quite possibly the kinkiest man in the room. According to his personal unbiased opinion, of course. He was fucking lucky, and there was no reason to feel insecure. He walked behind Brian, wrapped his long arms around his shoulders and squeezed Brian’s back against his chest.   
  
‘Hieee,’ he greeted the shorter man, who had startled at the sudden cuddles. Brian turned to look behind his shoulder and smiled widely. He then turned to look at Justin properly and looked slightly baffled.   
  
‘Hi,’ Brian however greeted brightly, but kept eyeing Justin as if not really knowing what to make of him. Justin shifted on his feet. What was wrong?     
  
‘Helloo, we still exist!’ Ginger distracted them with her fan. ‘The world hasn’t suddenly stopped  turning.’   
  
‘Aww, look at them Minj, I think they’re in love,’ Adore noted and half hugged Ginger.   
  
‘I know. How utterly disgusting,’ Ginger rolled her eyes.   
  
‘You ready for cake then?’ Brian asked, and his tone was a little off. Justin had a feeling he had done something wrong, but what? He’d done everything exactly like Brian had asked. How they had agreed.   
  
‘As ready as I’ll ever be,’ Justin nodded, confused.

‘Well I know I am!’ Ginger noted. 

‘You remind me of Kim Chi,’ Brian laughed: ‘It’s all about food.’   
  
Brian excused himself and Justin to the kitchen, claiming to Ginger and Adore that they had everything under control and had all the extra hands they needed. He had then grabbed Justin’s hand and led him to the kitchen through the crowds. After they arrived Brian turned to look at Justin properly, concerned.   
  
‘What?’ Justin asked, little annoyed.   
  
‘You’re wearing your glasses,’ Brian said and Justin couldn’t read the tone at all.   
  
‘Yes? So what?’ he asked, little defensively. He was getting frustrated. What did Brian want, what was wrong?   
  
‘I asked you to leave her on the background, not try to get rid of her existence,’ Brian said then and Justin frowned.   
  
‘What?’ Justin repeated. He wasn’t following Brian’s thoughts at all. Why was the man talking in riddles?   
  
‘I said I’d like you to be you tonight, not that you have to get rid of every evidence of Alaska’s existence,’ Brian said, frustrated. ‘I said I wanted to be seen with you. You! And she’s part of the package. And this, this,’ Brian was pointing at Justin’s outfit. The black jeans, the Trixie shirt, the glasses, the black socks... The plainness of the look screamed fake and Brian hated it. It wasn’t Justin, not really, it was a display.   
  
Justin worried his lip and didn’t know what to do next. He knew he had screwed it up, but wasn’t entirely sure what Brian was saying or actually wanted. Then he felt Brian’s hands on his cheeks and closed his eyes just in time for the kiss.   
  
‘I want you to be comfortable, and you’re tense as a Hitchcock movie,’ Brian whispered against his lips between kisses.   
  
Justin chuckled. It wasn’t quite that bad in his opinion. ‘But, I thought you wanted to draw boundaries?’   
  
‘I do! But that doesn’t mean that I’m trying to cut parts of your fucking personality out!’ Brian cried.   
  
Justin was confused. ‘So you’re saying you want me, and her? But not really her?’   
  
‘Yes,’ Brian started, but then shook his head: ‘No! I mean... I want you, as you, and she’s part of you... I don’t know what the fuck I’m saying. But you look miserable! Look at you, you look like someone just told you RuPaul’s Drag Race was cancelled!’   
  
Justin’s eyes widened in surprise, but then he laughed. ‘I do not!’ he insisted, and through the amusement pushed Brian against the fridge, trapped him between his long arms and proceeded to kiss him senseless.   
  
‘I think you guys have misunderstood the the concept of a kitchen.’   
  
Justin smirked against Brian’s lips. Of course it was Trixie, it was always Trixie.   
  
‘But I guess I should consider myself lucky, you both still have clothes on,’ Trixie continued and walked next to them. She looked at Justin’s T-shirt, snorted and smiled: ‘Nice T-shirt, I don’t think you’ve ever looked more beautiful.’   
  
‘See, Trixie likes it,’ Justin told Brian, who huffed in annoyance.   
  
‘What’s the problem?’ Trixie asked, looking at Brian, who was frowning.   
  
‘Brian thinks my outfit is... What, too Justin? Not Alaska enough?’   
  
Trixie glanced at Brian.

‘Look at him! He looks so uncomfortable!’ Brian exclaimed.   
  
Trixie had to agree. Justin looked slightly uncomfortable, but when did he not, out of drag? Trixie worried her lower lip for a second and then made a decision. Brian was her best friend after all, and she really wanted to be friends with Justin. Good friends. And the man was clearly trying. She sighed and took off the big plastic ‘Barbie’-necklace she happened to have on and clicked it around Justin’s neck.   
  
‘Here. You’re a Heather now, so cheer the fuck up,’ she snorted and then smiled at Justin, who was fiddling the necklace. Justin knew what the gesture meant, and he appreciated the sarcasm.   
  
‘Party,’ he commented and burst out to laughter with Trixie. Brian rolled his eyes at them.   
  
‘Sometimes, I don’t get either of you,’ Brian noted and shook his head, amused.  

The trio proceeded to prepare the cake for Detox with dozens of candles. Justin went to grab Roxxxy from the living room and together the quartet had enough hands to carry the cake, a pile of paper plates, plastic spoons and a knife into the living room. Roxxxy shut the lights and called out Adore, who had been briefed to start the song. 

It was Adore’s voice alone that carried the first few notes of ‘Happy Birthday To You’, before others joined her as Justin and Roxxxy carried the cake to the table next to Detox. The Queen of Neon was glowing of happiness and grabbed Roxxxy into a tight hug before reaching also for Justin.   
  
‘I know that Visage hated it, but I don’t know what I would do without Rolaskatox.’

‘Meth could be a decent substitute,’ Brian whispered to Trixie, who covered her mouth to prevent the laugh.  
  
‘It means so much to me that you sluts went through all the trouble,’ Detox continued and squeezed the other two queens closer to her before turning to the other guests.

‘I also want to thank everyone for coming, this really has been amazing and none of it would’ve happened without these two cunts,’ she said loudly and once again squeezed Justin and Roxxxy. ‘Oh, I almost forgot, maybe I should thank Katya as well? Get your ass here, whore.’

Brian stepped out of the shadows and took the two required steps to reach the group. He stood next to Justin and grinned to Detox.   
  
‘Applaud our generous host!’ Detox exclaimed. The crowd followed the instructions.

‘Thank you, thank you!’ Brian bowed and continued: ‘You are all invited to donate to the homeless hooker charity fund, just drop some cash or semen into anything that resembles a bucket. We don’t do credit cards or Paypal, and will find the donations during the following weeks thanks to the stench.’

People laughed, some shook their heads and Brian glanced at Detox. They had agreed earlier, that Brian and Justin could highjack her birthday briefly, to make a small announcement. She smiled and nodded to Brian - the universal sign to go ahead. 

‘I have to admit I had some vested interest to host the party,’ he then continued and smirked to the crowd, that paid attention in varying degrees.   
  
‘As many of you already know, I’ve developed a growing interest towards ophiology and hav-’

‘What’s that?’ Willam yelled from the crowd. 

‘Scientific study of snakes,’ Roy answered, smirking.  
  
‘- yes, thank you, Roy. So, I’ve advanced to an actual specimen study an-’

‘So it’s true, you’re fucking Alaska?’ Brian could hear Violet’s voice from the crowd. 

The room went quiet, anticipating the answer. ‘Well, technically, I’m fucking Justin.’

‘The difference being?’ Violet challenged.   
  
Brian wondered whether he had imagined it or if others could also hear the slight undertone of hostility. He glanced at Justin who shrugged.   
  
‘The difference being that my dick gets these very painful purple rashes from other species, so I’m not doing that anymore,’ Brian joked, he didn’t know what else to say. He pulled Justin to his side and wrapped an arm around the small waist, while the taller queen placed his own arm on Brian’s shoulders, as Brian continued: ‘We’re telling you this because we’re trying really hard to avoid producing a second edition for the Needles/Thunderfuck-fuck-up, no offence Sharon, -’   
  
‘None taken,’ Sharon called from the crowd.   
  
Brian smiled at her and continued: ‘So, we’re trying to differentiate between private and public. And as we consider all of you our friends, family, we thought we could make a request. We are not asking anyone to lie for us or pretend for us, but we are asking that you could respect our privacy and not drag it into the shows or stages intentionally.’

Brian eyed the crowd and saw many understanding expressions, some people were nodding in agreement. Adore was staring at them, tears in her eyes, she really was emotional about relationships.  

‘Wait! Does this mean I can’t read you to filth about your height difference or your obvious lack of common sense?’ Roy called and took a step forward. 

‘Well, we’d appreciate if you didn’t, publicly,’ Justin laughed in response.  
  
‘How about in relation to Katya’s disturbing tendency to fuck only the biggest brats of Drag Race herstory?’ Roy challenged and the crowd laughed. It was no secret among the queens that Brian and Violet shared history as well as Brian and Alaska. Brian and Justin shook their heads to indicate that Roy was not allowed to say that either.

‘Then how about Alaska’s clear fascination, not only with trash, but with absolute fucking garbage, huh, am I allowed to say that?’ 

Brian burst into wheezing laughter and before Justin had a chance to comment, Roy continued: ‘And trust me, it will be a Needles/Thunderfuck re-do before you know it -- you bitches can’t even coordinate your fucking finances! One does not do paypal, while the other does only paypal, before taxes. How the fuck do you think it’s going to last, what are you, lesbians?!’ Roy cried.

The room filled with laughter. Brian was trying to compose himself and noticed by accident that Violet made her way out of the room, into the balcony.

‘How the fuck am I going to pay my bills if these two cunts deny me all of my material?’ Roy continued to the audience, who kep laughing. When the noise calmed down a bit Brian raised his voice: ‘Well, you could try reading Adore for once.’

Roy smirked and glanced at Adore, who looked beyond offended.

‘Got me there, Zamo, got me there,’ Roy noted and walked to Adore, in order to give her a well deserved reassuring cuddle that nothing bad was going to happen. The laughter in the room grew in volume. 

After the situation calmed down people made their way to congratulate Detox and get a slice of the birthday cake. Brian left Justin with Rotox and made his way to the balcony. He had a bad feeling about Violet’s reaction. When he arrived Violet was leaning to the balcony rail and looked pissed. Brian swore silently. He had hoped it wouldn’t come to this, but apparently he wasn’t that lucky. He pulled the balcony door closed behind him, before walking next to the younger queen. He pulled a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket and lit one, offering it then to Violet. She glared at him but accepted it, only to drop it out of the balcony, to the ground.

Brian huffed, annoyed, and lit himself another: ‘You could just take it on me, instead of abusing the innocents.’  
  
‘Oh, I am taking it on you,’ Violet snorted, snatched the second cigarette out of Brian’s hand and let it fall after the first one. Brian followed the cigarette to the ground with his gaze and then glanced back up to Violet. He really did have it hard for the spoiled-brat-type, he thought to himself. Well, two could play this game. He took the pack of cigarettes from his pocket and dropped the entire thing over the balcony rail.   
  
‘Happy?’ he then asked Violet, who just snorted and crossed her arms across her chest.   
  
‘You’re being immature,’ Brian started: ‘A characteristic I never previously associated with you.’   
  
‘Immature? I’m being immature? And what does that make you? Huh? The cheapest fucking crack whore in town!?’

‘Meth,’ Brian corrected automatically. It was important to get the details right, and it wasn’t whoring if you never got paid. He didn’t say that out loud though.   
  
‘Who the fuck cares?’ Violet snapped. ‘Lying piece of shit.’

‘I have never lied to you. Not once,’ Brian said firmly. He hadn’t really thought about how to handle Violet and he was quickly realising that he really should have. He should’ve actually talked to her before hand. She deserved better and Brian knew it. 

‘Un-fucking-believable! Do you think I’m stupid!? Do you think she’s not going to find out?! We were fucking just a couple of weeks ago on that fucking table she’s currently sitting on!’ Violet yelled and Brian grimaced.   
  
‘Six, six weeks ago,’ he corrected. ‘And you made it perfectly clear that I’m a B option for you. You come and go whenever you please, mostly when you can’t find anyone else to fuck you,’ he continued calmly but with a raised voice.

It had been six weeks, hadn’t it? It must’ve been, because Justin’s hospital visit had been over a month ago and Brian had gotten a visit from Violet on the preceding night of that episode. She had happened to be in town because of the show. Maybe it was just five weeks ago? Brian wasn’t sure. What he was sure about, was that he had fucked Justin on that evening in the same exact sheets Violet had left behind in the morning. The thought made him slightly nauseous. On the other hand, how was he supposed to be prepared for something like that? That morning, they had been just friends, him and Justin. Additionally, they had been just fuck buddies, him and Jason. It was just that the 24 hours of that day had changed both relationships. The problem was that he hadn’t actually kept Violet informed about the change. He’d been so caught up with Justin that he had totally forgotten about Violet, and now his own stupidity was catching up on him.

‘So I mean absolutely fucking nothing to you!?’ Violet screamed and Brian flinched. Her voice was exceptionally high. Did Violet mean something to him? Well, she was a nice, easy fuck and extremely beautiful. Other than that, well, they were kind of friends? Brian didn’t think that was the answer Violet was expecting.   
  
‘What do you want me to say?’ Brian asked, frustrated. ‘You appear to my door, uninvited, absolutely gorgeous, basically begging for it! What do you expect me to do in that situation?’ he asked and ran a hand through his hair, ‘Send you packing when you’re so fucking prepared I just have to bend you over the first flat surface and open my fly? I don’t think so!’

Violet slapped Brian across the face with force, causing Brian’s head and shoulders to jerk to the right as he hissed in pain. She clearly had experience as the motion was polished and her aim was spot on, exactly like her aesthetic.   
  
‘Fuck. You,’ she said icily and massaged her palm with her other hand.   
  
It was that moment that Roxxxy opened the balcony door and peaked in, apologetically.   
  
‘Um, no one put the music back on yet and the ventilation window is open. So-um... We can basically hear everything,’ she said awkwardly. ‘Thought you should know,’ she added quickly and disappeared, leaving the door little ajar.   
  
‘Shit,’ Brian swore and massaged his cheek.   
  
Violet glanced at Brian, spat on him and walked out of the balcony. She stepped into the living room, where everyone were either openly staring at her or trying really hard not to even glance at her general direction in order to be polite. She eyed around the room and then looked at Justin, who was still sitting on a table next to Detox’s birthday cake.   
  
‘You can keep that pile of shit. I’m done,’ Violet snorted at Justin and walked to the sofa. She grabbed her purse from Pearl, who was holding it, and then walked out of the apartment. People moved out of her way as she went. Everyone who knew her well enough could see the small faltering of her step and recognised the bitchy expression as a mask. Fame stood up and hurried after Violet, pulling Pearl with her.

After the trio had gone all eyes turned to Justin, and then to the balcony door, where Brian stood massaging his cheek.   
  
The silence was thick.

‘So, I guess it wasn’t just once, huh?’ Justin asked Brian. He really didn’t want to be in the spotlight, but the situation did not allow them an escape into privacy. If they didn’t sort this out right now, right here, the gossip mill would start on full speed. The only damage control Justin could do, was to have the conversation in front of over 30 other queens and their friends. Which was exactly what they had been trying to avoid, the spotlight and the drama. 

‘No. No it was not,’ Brian admitted from the door. He couldn’t remember when was the last time he had felt equally conscious that people were openly judging him. He really should’ve talked to Violet beforehand. He looked at Justin, trying desperately to ignore everyone else, but failing. He was painfully aware of their stares.   
  
‘And was it just her, coming to you?’ Justin asked next and Brian shook his head as an answer. Because it was true, there had been times when he had sought her out for an easy fuck.

‘Ok,’ Justin nodded. He knew Brian found Violet attractive, the man had said so himself. The question was whether he was fucking her and Justin at the same time.

‘And have you fucked her after we became an item?’ Justin asked and he swore he could cut the air in the room with scissors. 

‘No,’ was Brian’s immediate firm reply. He took a step towards Justin, but was stopped by a pale arm that appeared from his left. Brian glanced down to the hand hovering over his chest and then up to the owner. Sharon. Brian sighed, he was so fucking fed up with Needles. He however halted and looked back at Justin.   
  
Justin glanced from Brian to Sharon and then back. The situation could get out of hand very quickly. Sharon was drunk, Brian was not. Sharon was also wearing high heels, whereas Brian stood grounded in sneakers. Sharon had always had an overprotective tendency, but it had only grown after she had found Josh and realised Alaska was struggling to find anyone. Justin thought over whether he believed Brian, and found to his surprise that he actually did. Brian had no reason to lie, and they had gotten together just a couple of weeks ago, so the timing matched.   
  
‘Well, that’s fortunate. Because it means I don’t have to throw a tantrum as I still win on the scale on who acts more self-destructively in relationships -- I fucking hate losing,’ Justin drawled and then smirked at Brian, who smiled in relief.   
  
Brian pushed Sharon’s hand out of his way and walked to Justin. Without a second thought he pulled the tall man into a hungry kiss as Justin wrapped his arms around Brian’s shoulders. There were some catcalls as they kissed.   
  
‘I have, however, developed a sudden dislike for this particular table,’ Justin interrupted the kiss and tapped the surface he was sitting on. ‘It needs to be burned,’ he continued and made the entire room laugh. Brian replied by pulling a lighter from his pocket and smirking at Justin.   
  
‘Not before this party is over! I promise you guys five minutes and you steal the entire motherfucking show!’ Detox exclaimed and wrapped an arm around Justin’s shoulders. ‘Though, I have to admit, with all the drama, I don’t think I could’ve organised it better myself! Now, who wants to play some poker?’

 

  
**

 

It was almost an hour after Detox had actually asked people to play, when they finally had gotten around doing it. Most people had left the party by then, either to enjoy the entertainments of the city or just gone home after a long day. It was only handful of people and some of their partners, who had made the decision to stay.

‘A pair of queens,’ Detox exclaimed and stood up. ‘Bow the winner! Bow the winner!’

‘Yeah yeah, of this round bitch,’ Ginger snorted and threw her cards on the table. ‘Next! Roy, deal,’ she continued, clearly annoyed at the loss.   
  
Detox cleaned the table of money and accessories. Yes, the total was probably less than forty dollars but that wasn’t  the point, the point was that they were having fun. Brian glanced over the table to Justin, who was sitting next to Detox and dangling his head in defeat, he hadn’t won anything on any of the rounds and had even played Trixie’s Barbie necklace, which now decorated Adore’s hair. Brian fiddled the black controller in his pocket and switched on the lowest setting. That should cheer him up.   
  
Justin flinched on his seat and his eyes shot immediately to Brian. Brian couldn’t read his expression, but figured the man was happy, as he corrected his position and smiled a little. Brian switched the egg to perform a sequence of different type of vibrations and watched in delight as Justin tried really hard to act normal.   
  
Roy dealt another round and they started to play. Based on her expressions Ginger was doing better this time around and Adore was looking at Roy accusingly.   
  
‘You’re not going to get any if you keep treating me like this,’ she threatened and Roy laughed.   
  
‘Watch it, or I might actually consider reading you for some quick cash,’ he shot back. Brian used the exchange to laugh at Justin, pretending that he was laughing at the interaction between Adore and Roy.   
  
‘Lasky, what’s wrong?’ Detox asked suddenly and Brian glanced at the pair sitting next to each other, opposite of him.   
  
‘Hm? Nothing,’ Justin smiled happily to Detox, who wrapped her arm around his shoulders.   
  
‘You sure? You keep shivering. You haven’t eaten nuts or anything,’ Detox asked, slightly concerned.   
  
Sharon took one look at Justin and then turned to Brian, who was sitting next to him.   
  
‘You sexting him or something?’ Sharon whispered. Brian was impressed that the Queen of Shadows could still read the snake so well. He shook his head, grinned at Sharon and then faced the group: ‘I call.’   
  
Adore groaned in defeat and Roy laughed: ‘You’re the worst, it’s called POKER-face for a reason.’   
  
‘You’re obviously doing something. I know that look on Justin,’ Sharon insisted in a low voice, trying to avoid attention.   
  
‘Leave it,’ Brian snapped, not unkindly.   
  
‘What? What’s going on with Justin?’ Roxxxy asked from Sharon’s other side. She had obviously heard some of the conversation. Brian threw Sharon an accusing glare but the Devil just shrugged, indifferently.   
  
‘What do you mean?’ Adore asked Roxxxy, who was looking at Sharon and Brian.   
  
‘Sharon’s accusing Brian of doing something to Lasky,’ Roxxy explained.   
  
‘It’s nothing, let’s play,’ Brian tried to escape the situation. Unfortunately for him, Roy was now also paying attention.   
  
‘Now, that just proves it’s obviously nothing -- jealous, Needles?’ Roy asked and was eyeing between Brian and Sharon. Brian could see Justin breathing heavily, trying to control his squirming. Detox was looking at him suspiciously.   
  
‘No,’ Sharon said firmly to Roy. ‘Merely curious what he’s doing to make Justin squirm on his seat like he’s about to come,’ Sharon finished, looked at Brian and tapped his nails to the table, like expecting a prompt answer.   
  
All eyes turned to Justin and then to Brian. Justin kept his eyes firmly in the cards he was holding. Detox pulled her arm back, as if electrocuted. Brian was looking at the people, all of whom seemed to wait for his reply.   
  
The explanation, however, came from a source that until now had kept silent.   
  
‘Justin has an egg vibrator up his ass and the remote is in Brian’s pocket,’ Trixie said easily and played her cards. ‘I want to raise.’   
  
All eyes turned to Trixie, who smiled sweetly.   
  
‘Thank you, Tracy, for the exposition, next time maybe accompany with a guitar?’ Brian said, but couldn’t keep his tone as serious as he would’ve liked. It was after all the truth and never in his life had he been embarrassed of sex and he was not going to start now.   
  
‘Laskyyy?’ Detox asked, grinning. ‘Is that true?’ she drawled.   
  
Justin kept his gaze in the cards, but couldn’t prevent the blush creeping to his cheeks.   
  
‘Oh. My. God,’ Detox laughed, delighted and hugged Justin. ‘You absolute whore!’   
  
‘I’m kind of disappointed I didn’t come up with that myself,’ Sharon commented and eyed Brian as if trying to see into which pocket the remote was hidden in.

‘Your free pass to fuck Justin has expired,’ Brian laughed, which caused Sharon to throw him a challenging look. Brian answered the stare with a raised eyebrow. 

‘Look at that!’ Roy whistled. ‘Tension much?’  
  
‘They should fuck to release it,’ Willam smirked.   
  
Sharon and Brian turned to Willam in shock and then to each other in disgust.   
  
‘No,’ they said simultaneously. Sharon looked nauseated and brought a hand over her mouth, frowning. Brian made an actual retching noise and gesture.   
  
‘Who would top, though?’ Adore asked, delighted about the possibility.   
  
Detox shook Justin’s shoulders gently. ‘Laskyyy, who would top, huh?’   
  
The table quieted down, waiting for Justin’s reply. Brian and Sharon turned to look at Justin, expectantly. Sharon pointed at herself and mouthed ‘I would’ to Justin, while Brian crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back at his seat, like dearing Justin to say anyone else’s except his name.   
  
Justin looked across the table, between the two men and whispered: ‘Brian.’   
  
Brian’s wheezing laughter filled the room while Sharon stood up and pointed at Justin. ‘He’s obliged to say that! He has a fucking vibrator up his ass! His judgement is totally compromised and there’s a clear conflict of interest!’   
  
Brian reached to hug Sharon’s thighs and hips: ‘Oh, come on, I’d make it so good!’   
  
Sharon was about to shove Brian away, but was interrupted by Willam: ‘Or they could just double team Alaska.’   
  
Sharon froze and Brian’s eyes shot immediately to Justin, who had the nerve to actually look interested.   
  
Sharon bowed down to Brian, in slight shock at Justin’s expression, and said quietly: ‘That insatiable sex drive is your fucking problem now, I’m out. JOSH!’ Sharon shook Brian’s hands off of herself and left the shorter man frozen in place as he walked off to find his fiance.   
  
Brian stared at Justin, who tried really hard to look apologetic, but failed miserably. In the back of his mind Brian hoped Justin was more interested in in the concept of a threesome rather than Sharon actually being part of the picture. So he said as much.   
  
‘I’m all in for a threeway, but the Devil is out, so are bats, vampires, zombies and dementors,’ Brian smirked and people around the table laughed. Justin’s quick wit did not falter. He glanced mischievously to Trixie on his right and licked his lips.   
  
‘How about Barbie dolls?’ Justin asked and all eyes turned to him as he grabbed the blond next to him and planted a revenge kiss on her cheek, making a mess of her makeup.   
  
‘Don’t touch my hair!’ Trixie protested loudly. 

 

**

  
It was a couple of hours later that Detox was finally leaving with Roxxxy. They were the last ones to go and Justin was escorting them to the door. Brian was cramming paper plates into the bin in the kitchen when he overheard Detox and Justin talking in the hall.   
  
‘I can’t remember when I last saw you this happy,’ Detox slurred and Brian could recognise Justin’s laugh.   
  
‘Yeah,’ Justin replied.   
  
‘Really, Lasky,’ Detox continued: ‘I remember you with Sharon. You were so in love and I thought you would never find that again.’   
  
Brian paused and tiptoed closer to hear the conversation better.   
  
‘You’re drunk,’ Justin snorted, brushing Detox off.

‘I know, isn’t it great?’ Detox laughed. ‘But seriously girl, you deserve this. So, just, don’t fuck it up,’ Detox slurred.   
  
‘She’s not going to fuck it up!’ Roxxxy defended Justin drunkenly. ‘Have you seen her? She might’ve been in love with Sharon, but it’s different this time around, isn’t it?’   
  
Brian held his breath and could hear Justin chuckle.   
  
‘Yeah, it is.’   
  
Brian didn’t know what to make of that.

 

_You say that you want it, say that you need it  
Say that you want it, that you believe it   
Say that you love it, say that you bleed it   
Tell me you're mine, mine, mine, mine _


	11. Slaytina

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is consisted of small snippets of the relationship and can be a little confusing. So, please relate to every section as new glance into how the relationship is progressing (pay extra attention to the subtitles/lyrics, because they do matter!), the snippets do not strictly speaking link, but they do create a full picture.

Brian slammed the door shut behind him, stopped and took a deep breath. Where was he going? Home? He stretched the collar of his t-shirt as it felt too tight and then glanced back at the door. It stayed shut. No one was coming after him. He threw the bag he was holding onto his shoulder and looked around in the hallway. What the fuck had just happened?   
  
He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to remember where they’d gone wrong...

 

 _  
****** _  


_**Loading** _

  
Alaska is laying on the bed after filming The After Show. She’s exhausted and wants to sleep. Nowadays, she dislikes the hotels and traveling. She loves the shows, the fans, but she hates being away from Brian. Not that Brian is home. Brian is in England with Raven and Jujubee. She glances at the phone again and wonders whether Brian has noticed the time. They had agreed on a specific timing because of the time difference. She worries her lip and sighs. She wants to sleep but also knows that she has to take off her makeup, the wig, the corset. At least the nails already lay on the dresser.   
  
The phone rings and a smile rises to her lips.   
  
‘Hi,’ she answers the phone.   
  
‘Hi honey,’ comes the bright reply.     
  
It’s the voice Alaska has been missing for the past 16 hours.   
  
‘Say that again?’ she requests.   
  
Brian chuckles, but obliges: ‘Hi. Hello. Hiya. Hello, mate.’   


Alaska chuckles and they’re silent for a while, just smiling.  
  
‘I miss you so bad,’ Alaska whispers. She’s so upset that he’s not here, with her.   
  
‘You haven’t slept again,’ Brian accuses, as he recognises the tone of her voice.   
  
‘I can’t, you’re not here,’ she says and they both know it’s not true. It’s just the exhaustion talking and her being her whiny self.   
  
‘I’ll make you a deal, alright?’ Brian asks and Alaska nods. Brian can’t see it, but he has gotten used to Alaska’s silences.     
  
‘If you take your stuff off right now, and if you’re out of drag when I Facetime you in 5 minutes, I’ll make you come?’   
  
Alaska suspects she has never gotten so quickly out of drag.   


 

_  
****** _

 

_**Commencing Dragulation** _

 

‘It looks good,’ Justin drawled and added some more blush.   
  
Katya frowned at her reflection and then glanced to Trixie.   
  
‘It looks weird, doesn’t it?’ she asked her best friend.   
  
Trixie eyed Katya up and down and shrugged. ‘Define weird.’

  
‘Three pomeranians licking your balls while you’re getting fucked on a single bed by a guy half your age,’ Katya challenged.   
  
‘No, it’s not that weird. There’s only one puppy,’ Trixie snorted, unamused.   
  
Justin laughed and dropped the makeup brush on the table. ‘Fine, that’s it! Do your own fucking alternative makeup!’ he exclaimed and stood up.   
  
Katya grabbed Justin by the waist before he had the chance to leave.   
  
‘No! Don’t leave me! You can’t! Not tonight!’   
  
Katya wrapped her legs around Justin’s knees and mumbled something incomprehensible.   
  
‘What did you say?’ Justin asked.   
  
‘I’ll blow you after the filming. On the set. Pleeease finish it?’ Katya whined.   
  
Justin pondered the offer for a couple of seconds and then sat back down. ‘In full drag,’ he insisted and Katya nodded enthusiastically.   


‘You’re both freaks,’ Trixie commented and rolled her eyes.

  
  


_****** _  


_**In 5, 4, 3, 2, 1** _

 

Justin was practicing Alaska’s new coreo in front of a mirror and trying to get the steps right. Brian was eyeing him from the sofa and kept bursting into laughter at most of the steps Justin took. Not to be mean, but because Justin looked funny getting frustrated and swearing at himself.   
  
‘You try it then!’ Justin snapped and Brian stood up on the sofa, wiggling his ass.   
  
‘Alright, Barbra,’ he exclaimed, took a step, slipped and crashed back to the sofa.   
  
Justin’s wheezing laughter filled the room.

  
  


_****  
  
** _

_**Introducing a new model** _

 

‘It’s going to be awful. The entire idea is stupid.’   
  
‘It is not going to be awful. And your attitude is stupid.’   
  
‘You obviously have never been on a double date. They’re designed for torture and humiliation.’   
  
‘No, I have not. But it’s Sharon and Josh, and it’ll be fine! And it’s not a double date! It’s just us going to a see a movie with them. A movie you’ve wanted to see forever!’   
  
‘Fine? If by fine you mean that Satan’s lawyer is suing us for the misconduct of praying on Easter-fine then yes.’   
  
‘What?’   
  
‘You know. Easter, Satan, praying, not cool honey, nuh-uh?!’   
  
‘I don’t get it.’   
  
‘No? … Want me to give it to you?’   
  
‘What? No! BriAN! NO! LET ME DOWN!’

  


_****** _

 

_**Comprised of the best elements** _

_**Of Dragoons the world over** _   


Brian is sipping his morning coffee and watching Justin pack. Justin’s long limbs look even skinnier when he’s only wearing a t-shirt that’s at least three sizes too big for him and pair of briefs. He keeps pushing his glasses up on his nose, but they keep sliding back down. His hair is sticking out in multiple different directions and Brian laughs. To him Justin looks absolutely adorable.   
  
Justin scratches the back of his head and Brian chuckles. He knows what Justin is looking for, the wig is on the kitchen counter, but apparently the tall queen has forgotten that. The only thing Brian loves more about Justin than being an unorganised mess, is when he tries to get organised, forgets he put in the effort and gets confused by his own organising.   
  
To Brian, Justin is a puzzle. They’ve been dating for months and Brian still hasn’t figured out the Queen of Snakes. He can be laughing and then next moment cry over a cute cat he saw a picture of online. He can get frustrated and whiny, only to come to Brian two seconds later for some cuddles with a cheeky grin. He’s a lot more introverted and quiet than what Brian had assumed. Though sometimes he cannot shut up, but keeps rambling for hours on a topic Brian is not even remotely interested in.   
  
Justin can create a storm in a nanosecond, but at the same time just a firm hug and a couple of reassuring words easily calm him down, bring out the smile and sunshine. Justin is little like a filmstrip. You can watch the film, or you can examine the stills; the details in them. You can rewind and pause. There is an entire cast within Justin. He’s the male and the female protagonist, he’s the comedic relief, he’s the slimy villain and the damsel-in-distress.   
  
Sometimes Justin is difficult. He easily forgets that in a relationship you have to take your partner into consideration in most things you do, you have to involve them into the decision making process. But Brian knows he’s doing his best, because he can see it. He can see how hard Justin is trying to be -- well, perfect. But Brian is not interested in **_The 7 billion dollar woman,_** that’s not what Brian is asking, he doesn’t really care for perfection, he just wants Justin.

  
  


_****** _

 

_**Better, faster, stronger** _

 

Justin counted to four while breathing in through his left nostril. He then pinched his nose close while holding his breath and counting to eight before finally releasing his right nostril to breathe out, counting to eight again. He repeated the cycle the other way around, paying attention to his posture; straight back, relaxed shoulder, grounded to the floor. He strived to concentrate only to his breathing, not to fall too deep into any of the thoughts circling in his head. He tried to keep his mind clear and feel the energies shifting in his body.   
  
When he finished the practice he slowly opened his eyes and saw Brian on the other side of the yoga studio. Brian looked completely relaxed in his sirsasana -- or a headstand, as most people would call it. His top had fallen to his chest to reveal his six pack and Justin noticed he was not the only high-strung femme in the room admiring Brian’s body. The thought made him smile. He had yet to master the more difficult poses himself, but was really enjoying yoga. More than he had thought he would. It helped him to relax, to feel more energised, it felt somehow empowering to be completely in control of your every movement, your every breath.   
  
He watched through the mirror as Brian slowly, with absolute control, came down to his knees from the asana and rolled his shoulders. Justin caught a handsome brunette winking at Brian and it was hilarious how Brian did not know what to do with the situation. Brian glanced at Justin and their eyes met through the mirror. Justin smirked. There were many positives to yoga.

  


_****** _

 

_**Legs 5 inches longer than Naomi Smalls** _

 

‘I would kill for legs like hers.’  
  
‘You really don’t need extra inches anywhere. Except maybe on your dick.’   
  
‘Excuse you! You couldn’t take me even now.’   
  
‘Bitch please, I’ve had bigger.’   
  
Justin smirks and Brian quickly realises his mistake.   
  
‘I’m not clean. Like, at all.’   
  
‘Fortunately we do have a bathroom. Or what, you scared?’   
  
It’s a good two hours later that Brian gathers the completely spent pile of skinny limbs into a tight hug. Justin protests first at being moved but ultimately relaxes against Brian’s chest. He wraps his arm around Brian’s waist and groans in annoyance.   
  
‘I’m aching, like everywhere,’ Justin whines and Brian chuckles.   
  
‘So it’s safe to assume that you’re not going to start topping from now on?’   
  
‘I think I’m good for this year.’   
  
It’s rare, very rare, but from then on onwards Justin does top on an occasion.

  


**_**_ **

 

**_With the modelling capabilities of Raja the Gemini_ **

 

Justin pranced into the living room with a pizza box. Brian was sitting on a sofa and reading song lyrics out loud to memorise them.   
  
‘I thought we’re eating out today?’

Justin rolled his eyes and made a turn. He striked a pose worthy of Raja Gemini and looked at Brian, expecting a comment. 

‘What?’ Brian asked, confused.   
  
‘No comments about my aesthetic?’ Justin asked, grinning. He wiggled a little with the pizza box and took another turn. This time he made sure his cock and balls bounced.   
  
‘Pizza delivery porn realness?’ Brian asked, raising his eyebrow.

‘I was going more for the ‘Take Out and Eat Me Out, in the order of your choice’-look,’ Justin drawled.

  
‘Well, the pizza will get cold, but I doubt your ass is not going anywhere... So I’ll do the pizza first,’ Brian reasoned as Justin approached him. The queen was wearing absolutely nothing else except black high heels, a long light pink wig and the pizza box he was carrying. He straddled onto Brian’s lap, placed the box next to them at the sofa and proceeded to kiss him as Brian grabbed his ass firmly.   
  
‘I like your rationale.’  

  


**_**_ **

**_  
A waist 3 inches smaller than Violet Chachki_ **

 

They’re lying on the bed and Brian is stroking Justin’s naked bum. They’ve already made up, and even exchanged blow jobs after the fight. If one could call it that? Brian prefers the term ‘disagreement’, but Justin keeps referring to it as ‘the argument’. Whatever the term is, the incident has left Brian feeling slightly insecure about their relationship, about where they stand. He knows he’s thinking too much, over analysing things, but it was the first real disagreement they had ever had and Brian feels that they haven’t really arrived to a conclusion. He wants a confirmation that they will be alright; a compliment, a reassurance of any kind. The question is stupid, it’s suicidal and Brian knows it, but he also has blurted it out before he can stop himself.   
  
‘Which RuGirl would you marry if you absolutely had to?’

  
‘Sharon,’ Justin answers without thinking. Brian halts. It hurts, but he only has himself to blame.   
  
Justin turns on the bed and pulls Brian against his chest. He wraps him into tight hug and kisses his hair.   
  
‘You know that I don’t think of you as a RuGirl, right?’ Justin asks quietly. Because he doesn’t. Brian is more than that. He’s in a different category entirely. In the category of people Justin might consider marrying for free will, not only if he absolutely had to.   
  
‘Yeah, I know,’ Brian says but Justin can tell he’s hurt. ‘I guess that’s fair, I guess I would marry Violet,’ Brian continues.   
  
‘Mm,’ Justin hums sadly before continuing: ‘Are you just saying that because you know it will hurt me more than saying Trixie?’   
  
Brian knows he’s being a dick. He buries his face against Justin’s chest and squeezes the younger man closer. Why does he play these games?   
  
‘I’m sorry,’ he whispers: ‘That was exceptionally stupid of me.’   
  
‘It’s ok. I fucked up first,’ Justin admits. Because he did.

  
  


_****** _

 

_**Possessing the lace front capabilities of Wigs by Vanity** _

  
Alaska stared at the wig in shock. Throughout her career she had never experienced a situation quite like this. The hair was burned, melted and had brown and red patches of fabric stuck to it. Detox’s personal assistant was crying and Alaska was certain the smell of burned hair would never come out of the wallpapers of the dressing room.

 

'So, what exactly was it again that you were doing?’ Alaska asked again and examined the wig. It could work, if she could get over the smell. Did she have perfume with her? She wondered whether the fabric attached to the hair could be restyled into some type of a head piece. A bow, perhaps? Or maybe she could cover it with a plastic bag? Or why not just wear the wig as it was? Now that she thought about it… She looked inside and realised that not only the hair, but the lace was also burned. It still felt warm to touch. Ok, so maybe she couldn’t wear this piece to the stage today. What could she wear?

 

'I don't even know! I just turned for one second! I promise!’ the young woman sobbed.   
  
Detox stepped next to them with a bright yellow wig in hand.   
  
‘It’s the closest to blonde I’ve got on me,’ she explained apologetically.   
  
Alaska eyed the yellow hair and pursed her lips. It wasn’t nearly big enough, but maybe with the damaged one… Then an idea struck to her. Trixie lived just a couple of blocks away. Alaska opened her phone, chose the Barbie from her the list and called.   
  
‘How the fuck did you know he’s here?’ Trixie answered and Alaska frowned.   
  
‘Sorry what?’ she asked.   
  
‘Brian, how did you know he’s here?’ Trixie repeated.   
  
‘I... I didn’t. I was calling you,’ Alaska laughed and heard a very familiar ‘Hi Honey!’ from the background.   
  
‘Oh, you were?’ Trixie sounded surprised. ‘I thought he just forgot his phone on silent and you’re calling me to reach him.’   
  
‘No, I’m actually calling you,’ Alaska laughed and then moved the camera to show the destroyed wig. Trixie made a hissing sound.   
  
‘Wow, what happened?’ the Barbie asked.   
  
‘A lot of things, I would think,’ Alaska sighed. ‘I was wondering, the club is just couple of blocks away from yours and...’   
  
‘Yes?’ Trixie pressed, but could already guess the request.   
  
‘Yeah, um, maybe if I could… Like I have Detox’s wig as well, so it’s no problem, I just...’   
  
Suddenly Alaska wasn’t sure whether she’d made the right decision. She wasn’t sure whether the request was too much. She wasn’t sure whether they were so good friends. Damn, had she totally fucked up?   
  
‘Lasky, of course I can bring you something,’ Trixie chuckled: ‘Your probationary period ended months ago. ’   
  
‘Oh! Oh? What? What period?’ Alaska was confused.   
  
‘NOTHING!’ Alaska could hear Brian’s voice from the background.   
  
‘Yes, exactly. Nothing,’ Trixie laughed. ‘We’ll be there in 15 minutes, is that fine?’   
  
‘Oh, yes, more than fine,’ Alaska sighed in relief. ‘Thank you SO much. I owe you.’   
  
‘Please, you took Brian off my hands, I owe you!’ Trixie smirked before ending the call.   
  
Alaska glanced at Detox: ‘What do you think she means by probationary period? ’   
  
Detox shrugged. ‘Fuck if I know.’

  
  


_****** _

 

_**Makeup precision extracted from the Kim Chi** _

 

‘How did you realise you were in love with Alaska?’

 

Katya choked on her Red Bull. Jesus fuck, it burned. Who the fuck asked questions like that out of the blue? Well, except for Kim of course. It took her a couple of seconds to calm down her coughing while Kim Chi was just staring at her, expecting an answer. What the fuck was wrong with this guy? Were all Koreans equally straightforward?

 

‘What?’ Katya asked and took a deep breath. That’s it, she wasn’t going to die today. Or she might, just not by Red Bull. She hoped it would be a stabbing rather than a car crash, stabbing felt somehow more personal.   
  
‘You know, how did you know it was her you wanted?’ Kim Chi asked again and glanced to Trixie on the other side of the dressing room.   
  
Katya followed the gaze and swore silently. That was not an image she wanted in her brain. She was also pretty certain Kim and Trixie would not work in the bedroom. But she was not going to say that out loud. Not to Kim anyway, to Trixie she might. She might drop not so subtle hints about Orient Express, about Noodle Doodle and the difficulty of handling two chopsticks at the same time. Was that racist?   
  
‘Um, it kinda sneaked up on me,’ she told Kim, who nodded as if Katya was the most intelligent person after Noam Chomsky, when actually Katya had just revealed how she had not had a clue about anything for the longest of time when it came to Alaska. She looked at Kim, who again was eyeing Trixie, and felt bad for the man. She knew what it was like to want something you thought you couldn’t have.

  
  


**_**_ **

 

**_Eyebrows fleeked from Mathu Andersen's personal Instagram_ **

 

'It’s ugly.’

'Wow. Don’t bother tiptoeing around my feelings. Jesus.’

'You asked. You look like E.T.’

‘I’m trying out the alien stuff, not your prerogative.’

'Well, you’re doing it worse than Roxxxy Andrews.’

'Now that’s just plain insulting. I've had it!’

'Officially?’

'OFFICIALLY!’

‘... I do still love you. With or without eyebrows.’

‘Lies! Pretence! Charade! I know your educational background, you cannot fool me!’

‘Yeah, I’m just here, casually waiting for the call for my Oscar nomination. And it’s not lies. It’s acting. It’s art.’

‘I’ll show you art.’

  


**_**_ **

 

**_Hair more voluminous than Lady Bunny_ **

 

They’re up after Bunny, who is currently slaying it. Alaska is slightly nervous to go on after such a talent, but figures that at least she’s not alone, she’s part of a group number and there are multiple extremely famous queens on the same line up -- all being compared to Bunny. She has fifteen more minutes before the start and wonders whether she should snapchat something to Brian when she notices Violet just a couple of steps away.

Alaska glances at the tightly corseted queen who has been avoiding her for months, and probably would’ve continued to do so to the unforeseeable future had they not been signed up for the same performance. They’re up in - Alaska glances at the time - fifteen minutes, so now is not the time to speak to Violet, tonight is not the night. Alaska wants to talk, she knows they need to talk, but-

‘Say it or fuck off,’ Violet says coldly without turning to Alaska: ‘You just standing there is creeping me out.’

Alaska is little taken aback by Violet’s hostile tone. Brian had given her the impression that they had talked, that they were on the same page now -- that Brian had actually apologised. Violet’s reaction, however, speaks another language.

Alaska doesn’t know what to say. It is not her fault entirely that Violet is hurting, but she figures she does have part to play in it and she feels slightly sorry for the younger queen. 

‘I’m sorry,’ Alaska drawls. She’s serious, she’s sincere, but at the same time she refuses to be walked over by the younger queen. She’s done nothing wrong. Her tone makes Violet turn to face her and never has Alaska ever seen the other queen as vulnerable. She regrets the choice of not to show weakness, because it is obvious that Violet is barely keeping it together.   
  
‘You’re sorry?’ Violet asks and her voice trembles.

Alaska panics. Now is not the time for Violet to get emotional. They have a number to perform in twelve minutes. But there’s nothing she can do as the first tear drops to Violet’s cheek. Shit. They’re totally fucked. Alaska looks around in the dressing room and while Jinkx and Sharon are present, they’re completely focused on their argument on the dynamics of their number that will follow Alaska, Violet, Detox and Pearl. 

Alaska might not always have been the best person at handling emotions, but the past months with Brian have taught her a trick or two. She is also a professional Drag Queen, the winner of All Stars 2 and one emotional queen is not going to ruin the show, or her makeup, not under Alaska’s watch. Especially not a queen as specific about their look as Violet-fucking-Chachki.   
  
Alaska grabs the loose powder she sees on Sharon’s dresser, walks determinedly to Violet and pushes the younger queen to sit on a chair behind her. Violet does not protest as Alaska grabs her chin and pushes her head up to prevent more tears escaping. Violet is blinking rapidly as Alaska presses thick layers of loose powder underneath her eyes. She then snatches couple of cotton buds and proceeds to carefully press them into the inner corners of Violet’s eyes.

‘Deep breaths,’ Alaska says and gently replaces the soaked cotton buds while Violet composes herself. Violet’s eyeliner is slightly smudged, but the damage is minor. Alaska sighs in relief as she notices Violet getting hold of her emotions. 

‘This was my trademark in dressing rooms in 2013; loose powder and cotton buds,’ Alaska explains. She needs to talk about something. Anything to take Violet’s thoughts away from Brian McCook. ‘I actually think Sharon might go bankrupt were I to bill her for the cost,’ she continues and doesn’t know why she’s sharing this with Violet. Maybe she wants her to know that while it might not be the same, she knows what it feels like to be hurt. Violet is eyeing her but doesn’t say anything.   
  
‘You can do better than a retired math teacher, dying of cancer,’ Alaska says and wonders whether Violet will get the reference. She does, chuckles and smiles up to Alaska.   
  
‘I know,’ she says finally, clearly searching for her confident tone. ‘It’s just a pain to find another back up plan.’   
  
Alaska knows Violet doesn’t mean it, but also does not challenge the statement. If that is what Violet needs to tell herself to get over Brian, she has the right. Alaska nods in agreement: ‘Tell me about it, never thought I’d have to use mine,’ she drawls and Violet chuckles.

‘Alaska, Pearl, Violet, Detox -- five minutes!’ someone yells.

‘You ready?’ Alaska asks as Violet snatches a makeup brush from the dresser and starts to carefully, skillfully clean her face from the extra powder that has trapped some of the tears.

‘Bitch, I was born ready,’ she snorts and grins. Alaska takes a step to leave but is stopped by Violet’s quiet voice. 

‘I might send you a snake or two,’ she says and Alaska catches her grin through the mirror. ‘But we’re alright.’

‘Goom,’ Alaska smirks and walks to wait with Pearl and Detox.

When Brian later asks why Alaska’s twitter and instagram are flooded with snake emojis by Chachki, Justin laughs.

‘Because what goes around, comes around,’ he tells Brian before kissing him deeply.

  


_****** _

 

_**Featuring fish resin extracted from the DNA of Courtney Act and Vivienne Pinet** _

_**Comedic skills receiving 5 more laughs per minute than Bianca Del Rio and Bob the Drag Queen combined** _

 

I’ve been on this path for a long time. Walking. Looking for experiences and keeping my eyes open for the possibility. The possibility of you. I’ve been to different cities, different countries, different continents. I’ve even created the possibility for myself to visit different galaxies.

I’ve slept with people with painted lips, reconstructed egos and plastic cheekbones. I’ve woken up next to people with curly hair, smoker breath and eyes so breathtakingly beautiful that I wanted to take them with me as I went. But I have always left alone, when the time was right. Sometimes it was weeks later. Sometimes it was months later. Sometimes it was the following morning, before they had woken up.

I’ve tried different things to identify who you are, where you are. I’ve drank all the cheap and free shots -- even some stolen ones. I’ve tried the high and the low. I’ve tried sex and art. I’ve tried meditation and literature; reality TV and social media; Grindr and Craigslist. I’ve bought love from strangers and warmth from acquaintances, often without stopping to consider the price. I’ve loved, hated, been jealous and happy. I’ve lived -- and I refuse to regret any of it. Because I’m a person and that’s what I was designed to do; to live my life. Exactly like you.

You know what I mean. You’ve lived. You’ve done most of the same things I have. Some of them more, some of them less and some of them from a different perspective. But you get it. You understand. 

To me, you are as precious as your weight in saffron. You might be a queen of a different country, different ideology, different past -- but I trust you like the IMF trusts free market capitalism. Everything can crumble, but the institution will stand.   
  
You’re one of the most gorgeous beings I’ve ever fucked. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: some of the most beautiful women in the world have gigantic penises. The Meatiest Tuck -award was certainly given based on merit.

I realise I’m rambling, but I just want you to know that while others might consider you fishy (meaning fishier than Trixie Mattel) or disregard you as one of the comedy queens (meaning slightly funnier than the Miss Fame and Violet -duo), to me you will always be slightly more. You are my greatest competition, my intellectual role model, the muse for my comedy and the foundation for my makeup.

To me you are absolutely perfect, because you are flawed.

  


**_**_ **

 

**_Lips molded from a composite of Detox and Raven_ **

  
Brian pressed another light kiss on Justin’s lips and then looked at him questioningly.   
  
‘For the final fucking time. YES! I can feel EVERYTHING!’   
  
Brian needed feathers. He was certain there was a spot on Justin’s upper lip that could not feel touch. Let’s call it an inkling. He was positive of it. He just had to find it and prove it.

  


**_**_ **

 

**_Breast constructed using the actual tissue of Michelle Visage!_ **

 

‘I hear you’re serious about Katya?’  
  
Alaska was used to Michelle’s mothering.   
  
‘Remember to take care of yourself as well,’ Michelle continued. ‘You have a tendency to put people on a pedestal and you know how that affects your career -- and your relationship.’   
  
Alaska chuckled. It was almost like Michelle had never met Katya.   
  
‘I think I’m the one on the pedestal,’ she said to Michelle, who smiled kindly.   
  
‘Brat. You know what I mean.’   
  
Alaska nodded. She knew. But Katya would never reach the levels of ego and confidence of Sharon Needles. There was space for Alaska in this relationship, because Katya didn’t seem to take space at all. It was something Alaska would have to keep in mind, to make sure she wouldn’t walk over the other queen, because Katya deserved better.

  


**_**_ **

 

**_Thicker and juicier than Roxxxy Andrews_ **

  
Justin considered her one of his closest friends. He would call her whenever he felt like he needed to detach from reality. She could make him laugh, make him relax, make him realise that life was not actually that serious.

Mostly Justin would meet her in private, so that they could spend time together, but sometimes it was quick dates in dressing rooms, quick catch ups through Facetime, sometimes it was just snapchats -- but he really appreciated the effort she was putting into staying close and was always willing to make time for her if she was asking for it. 

To Justin, she was beautiful. Truly. She was talented in her own ways and tended to surprise him a lot with her creativity. She had overflowing charisma and while her best acts were not that long lived or necessarily consistent, Justin loved her nonetheless. He was willing to put up with her whimsicality, because sometimes life was like that. Sometimes you got stressed about everything and wanted absolutely nothing to do with anything. Justin got that. It happened. On those times he concentrated on other things. He talked to her gently, making sure she got the attention and care she deserved. If she was awake, even in the middle of the night, and wanted to be with Justin, he would make sure he had the time. Even if he would be half-asleep and his presence was perfunctory. Because sometimes life was like that, you showed up and it was enough.

Sometimes Justin would grab her tightly, without asking. He didn’t need to be afraid that she would push him away, how ever demanding he might get. He knew she would be there for him. It was how their relationship worked, through mutual care and admiration. She was Justin’s miracle worker, the head nurse for his fantasies.

He could feel she was close, it was the way Brian grabbed his hair that was the first telling sign. He swallowed her whole and prepared for her to shoot strips of cum into his mouth. Brian groaned and Justin swallowed, caressing her, making sure not to scratch her with his teeth. Brian stroked his hair and Justin smiled, releasing her from his mouth, giving a final kiss at the base.   
  
‘Night, Olga,’ Justin grinned.

‘I really don’t think Olga is a long enough name for the grace and size that is my genitalia,’ Brian disapproved Justin’s choice of pet names.   
  
‘We’re not asking you though. Are we, Olga?’

  


**_**_ **

 

**_Porcelain veneers handcrafted using the blueprints of Phi Phi O'Hara and Tyra Sanchez_ **

**_Installed by Jiggly Caliente's personal Oral Surgeon_ **

  
‘I want your teeth.’

Brian bit Justin’s shoulder. 

‘That’s not what I meant.’

  


**_**_ **

 

**_With cooter-slam enabled hip joints stolen from the living body of Katya Zamolodchikova_ **

 

Brian grinned as he pushed the key into the lock of Justin’s apartment. He had been able to catch an earlier flight and had arrived back to the US almost a day early. He opened the door and could immediately smell the marijuana. He smirked and silently prayed Justin would have some left to share.   
  
He walked to the living room and found Justin alone on the sofa, watching Season 4 of Drag Race. Then he noticed the three wine glasses on the living room table and two glasses for whisky, or so he assumed based on the bottles on the table.   
  
‘Oh, you’re back!’ Justin exclaimed and Brian could tell he was drunk.   
  
‘Yeah, I caught an earlier flight,’ he said but didn’t move towards Justin to give him the traditional I’m back -kiss. ‘What’s going on in here?’ he asked instead and glanced back to the table.   
  
‘Oh! OH!’ Justin slurred and stood up. His balance was slightly off and Brian frowned.   
  
‘Aaron and Josh are getting married!’ Justin said happily and smiled, but Brian could see that the happiness didn’t quite reach Justin’s eyes.   
  
‘They came over and we celebrated,’ Justin explained and indicated towards the glasses and bottles.   
  
‘And why are you watching season four?’ Brian asked, getting annoyed. He wasn’t entirely sure what it was that annoyed him in the scenario. Needles, the alcohol, Justin being drunk or that fucking show on the background.   
  
‘Sharon wanted to show something to Josh and then it was just left rolling,’ Justin smiled and started to walk towards Brian, but halted as Brian took a step back. ‘What’s wrong?’ Justin asked quietly.

‘You’re drunk,’ Brian said, as if it explained everything. 

‘Yeah, I know? So?’ Justin asked and frowned, confused.   
  
‘I didn’t know you still drank to this level,’ Brian said little more harshly than he had originally  intended. He couldn’t figure out what it was that bothered him. He knew that Justin still had a drink or two in social occasions when he felt like it. But this was different. Justin was home, he was drunk and Coady had been over without Brian knowing about it. The scenario bothered him.   
  
‘I’m not on the program,’ Justin . He was too drunk to think clearly. What was Brian’s problem?   
  
‘That’s just it,’ Brian sighed. ‘You’re not on the program, you don’t get it.’   
  
Justin raised his eyebrows. Where was this coming from?   
  
‘It’s difficult when you don’t get it, that some of this might be an issue for me,’ Brian said and he wasn’t entirely sure what he was referring to; to the alcohol, to Justin’s drinking or to Aaron-fucking-Coady visiting without his knowledge?   
  
‘It’s difficult to be around you, when you’re like this,’ Brian continued and immediately regretted the words. Yes, sometimes it was difficult to be around Justin, but it was more of his own insecurity talking than anything that Justin had done. Why was he so worked up? Was this what jealousy felt like?   
  
Brian was about to apologise, to take the last statement back, but Justin was faster: ‘If I’m so fucking difficult to be around, why don’t you go and fuck Violet instead, I bet she’s all stretched and ready for you.’

Something snapped inside Brian. Justin was bringing Violet into this? When Justin himself had just spent an entire evening getting drunk with fucking Needles? Hell to the no.  
  
‘Maybe I will. At least with Violet you know you’re dealing with a self-absorbed, spoiled brat - because unlike you, she has the decency to be honest about it.’   
  
‘Fuck you,’ Justin raised his voice   
  
‘Why? Can’t take criticism? Or because you want me to go fuck Chachki so you don’t have to feel guilty about want to go running to Texas -- no, wait, it’s Florida, isn’t it? Because what the fucking fuck, rhymes with Florida,’ Brian said icily. He could read hurt and anger in Justin’s eyes, but at this very moment he didn’t give a flying fuck.   
  
‘Call me after you sober up,’ he said coldly but then he changed his mind: ‘Actually, don’t call me. I’ll call you, if I ever decide you’re worth it.’ He grabbed the bag he had dropped onto the floor just couple of minutes ago, turned and walked out of the flat.   
  
Brian slammed the door shut behind him, stopped and took a deep breath. Where was he going? Home? He stretched the collar of his T-shirt as it felt too tight and then glanced back at the door. It stayed shut. No one was coming after him. He threw the bag he was holding onto his shoulder and looked around in the hallway. What the fuck had just happened?   
  
He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to remember where they’d gone wrong...


	12. I Invented That

 

The first day after he had stormed out from Justin’s apartment had been fine. Brian had turned off his phone and went on his usual business, his thoughts wandering towards the snowiest state only occasionally. Alaska was easily buried under physical exercise, good food and weed. He made sure to keep busy. He needed to think, but he wasn’t ready to entertain the thought that they might be over. It hadn’t been even a year. Roy’s words echoed in his ears: ‘How the fuck do you think it’s going to last, what are you, lesbians?’   
  
The second day was harder. He felt empty, somehow lost. Maybe he had felt like that the first day as well, but at least then he had been prepared for it. He turned on his phone and skimmed through the texts and missed calls from Justin. He decided not to reply. What was he going to say? He had overreacted. He’d been jealous. He’d fucked up. He hadn’t recognised it at the time but it was true, he had been completely consumed by jealousy. Picking up the phone and apologising meant that he would have to explain, own up to the feeling and the fact that he hadn’t known how to control it. Would he be willing to admit that to Justin? 

At first Aaron’s name had been like any other ex’s, but as Brian had  gradually learned how close the two were, Aaron and Justin, his jealousy had grown. If he was completely honest with himself, he had felt it the first time a long time ago, a very long time ago. He’d felt it while shouting at Aaron Coady on the phone all the way to fucking Brazil.    
  
The third day was the worst by far. He felt numb and could not stop thinking about Justin. Brian was sure Guantanamo Bay was a better option. At least there, one felt pain, panic, terror, something --  _ anything _ . Brian felt nothing and it was driving him crazy. 

He dressed up as Katya and whirled around in the apartment, seeking to find some kind of solace. Trying to feel something, anything, even if the feelings might be more hers than his. It worked, but not necessarily in the way he’d hoped for, or anticipated. 

Katya had also felt the texture and tasted the sweetness of Justin’s lips and as she stood in front of the mirror, in the familiar red heels she’d worn the first time she’d kissed him, she started to wondered whether she’d be able to do that ever again. A tear escaped onto her cheek and Brian immediately wiped it away, angrily. How fucking stupid was he? Of course the numbness had been better than this! Sadness. Anger. Longing? Fucking bullshit, what it was. He grabbed the wig he was wearing and threw it on the floor, glancing down at the heels once more. What if he never got to kiss him again?   
  
Brian touched his lips with his fingers and closed his eyes. He could almost smell the scent he associated with Justin, the mix of something sweet with freshly washed hair, the pinch of dust and melon. He took a deep breath and sat on the bed. The sparkly red heels failed to uplift his spirit, if anything they made him feel more lonely and lost, and he had no one to blame but himself.    
  
By 2AM on the fourth day Brian made a decision. His feelings were eating his insides. He needed to snap out of it. He couldn’t think feeling like this. There were no coherent thoughts as every single rational looking idea was quickly consumed by guilt, despair and self-loathing. He swore to himself that he would make just one phone call. One. If it didn’t work out, he would sign up for the 6AM class of yoga and be done with it. If it did, well, he would see. 

He really hadn’t expected it to be so easy. One phone call in the middle of the night and he was hooked up. It wasn’t his usual… Ex? Old? Old. It wasn’t his old guy. No. Because it wasn’t fucking Boston. But it was someone Levi swore by and knew in L.A. An acquaintance of an acquaintance. So a total stranger, really, though Brian wasn’t complaining. He had what he wanted.  
  
‘You don’t happen to have an extra pipe on you?’ Brian asked while he handed the money to the girl that had been sent to him.   
  
‘Sorry, I just bring what I’m told,’ the girl answered. She wasn’t looking at him and fidgeted slightly. Brian ran a hand through his hair as he recognised the signs. He didn’t know what made him do it but he thrusted an extra 50 dollars to the girl.   
  
‘Thanks,’ he noted and watched as the girl snatched the money, turned on her heels and walked away with quick steps, a hood covering her face. He sighed and dropped the paper bag the girl had given him into his shoulder bag. It was a mere 15 minute walk home and he figured not one of the near by headshops would be open at this hour. He would have to do it old school. Not that he minded.   
  
He pushed the key to the lock and opened his front door. He dropped the bag onto the floor and walked straight to the kitchen, pulling open the drawer for scissors, bottle openers, straws, extra lighters, bakery paper and foil. Except that there was no foil.   
  
‘Fucking shit motherfucker!’ Brian swore and slammed the drawer closed. When had it gotten this difficult? Then he realised the straws in the drawer. He glanced at the lamp on the kitchen counter and smirked. It was time to get crafty.  
  
It had been a long time since Brian had made a pipe out of a light bulb, but all of the stages came back to him as he proceeded. Carefully twisting the pliers he had gotten from his toolbox he detached the top part of the bulb from the glass. He gently tapped the metal parts loose and threw them into the bin. He reached for the sea salt he had in the cabinet and swirled the salt around in the bulb, repeating the process couple of times before rinsing the lamp and drying it with a kitchen towel. He then grabbed the straws and the tape he had found from his makeup pouch and walked to the living room. He knew he should’ve stuck with weed, but he was not in the mood of thinking anything that reminded him of Justin -- Alaskan Thunder Fuck included. Maybe he’d give Chachki a call later? Sex went well with a high sometimes. Little like milk in coffee. Was she even in town? 

Brian took a seat at the sofa and tested the lighter. It worked perfectly. There was no second guessing as his hands relied on procedural memory to bring him through the process to the first inhale. Not thoughts about stopping. No voices of reason. No snarky comment from Brenda or Carl. The slope was as slippery as the slide from strong constructionism to postmodernism. In other words, he could’ve been standing on a icy hill wearing skates while the wind blowed downhill -- and dear Jesus did the high feel good...

  
  


** 

  
  
It had been the worst five days Justin could recall. Sure, he’d gone through some pretty shitty situations with Aaron and even before and after Aaron, but he had never felt quite this hollow. He’d gone to work feeling ill and knew the performances were not top notch. It made him upset with himself. The fans paid a lot of money to see Alaska and he felt like he had let them down. He had cleaned his apartment twice and colour coordinated all his accessories while watching Golden Girls. He hadn’t really had an appetite and had been drinking unreasonable quantities of soya milkshakes.   
  
The first day after the fight Justin had left Brian alone. He hadn’t called or texted. He had taken care of his hangover and meditated. He had wanted to give Brian space to calm down, to realise that the fight had been completely ridiculous. Brian had been tired and Justin hadn’t realised that his drinking might bother Brian so much. It was not the end, they could solve this. It was something Justin could fix. He just needed to wait for Brian to call.    
  
Justin’s feelings had changed as time passed. On the second day he had tried calling Brian and sent him a text that they needed to talk, that he was sorry, that he missed him. He never got a reply. 

On the third day Justin had called at least ten times. He had also sent multiple texts and begged Brian to answer. Nothing.    
  
On the fourth day he had been so busy he barely had had time to eat, even less to think of Brian, and still he had managed to call multiple times, send long pleading text messages and one slightly threatening one. He heard nothing back. Were they really over? Over something so small and stupid? Over something Justin couldn’t really even make sense of.    
  
It was over 6PM on the fifth day and Justin was pushing pasta around his plate. He had a gig tomorrow but he really didn’t feel up for it. He would not cancel, of course he wouldn’t. He had to keep his personal life separate from his career and that meant that he needed to perform. And in order to perform he needed to eat. The pasta tasted like plastic and he added more salt onto it. His phone was charged and he kept checking his messages every five minutes. He scrolled through instagram and twitter, checked snapchat and the recent calls. None of which showed any indication that Brian McCook existed.    
  
Justin sighed and tried calling Brian once more. No answer. He glanced again at the set of keys he had lifted on the kitchen table. He had been eyeing them for the past three days. One of the keys in the set would fit into the lock of Brian’s apartment. Justin had been owner of the said key for couple of months now and even used it in a couple of occasions. He didn’t feel like he had the right to use it in this type of situation. Brian’s message was clear. The silence spoke volumes.    
  
Justin jumped as his phone rang and rushed to answer without checking the caller ID.    
  
‘Yes?!’   
  
‘That was quick,’ Trixie laughed at the other end and Justin’s heart sank. Wrong Brian.    
  
‘Ah, yeah. I was just going to call -- Cory -- so I had the phone out,’ Justin rushed to lie. ‘What’s up?’ he then added and tried to sound cheerful. 

‘Ah, right,’ Trixie smiled. ‘Look, is Brian there? He missed the UNHhhh editor meeting.’    
  
Justin’s heart skipped a beat. Brian had missed work? 

There were multiple reasons Brian could’ve missed the meeting, but none of the scenarios Justin was able to imagine right at this moment had a positive tone to them. Especially considering that the man was not answering his phone… If it was an accident, like a car crash, surely they would’ve informed someone? Then again, most likely that someone would not have been Justin or Trixie. There was the possibility that Brian had chosen not to go, that he was sulking at home, but that seemed very unlikely. Brian was the one who had wanted to keep their careers and personal lives separate. He was very responsible and professional about Katya. There was also the possibility that Brian had lost his phone, stuck on traffic and therefore missed the meeting. But in that case he would call Trixie at some point, let her know what was going on. Justin worried his lip. There was also the possibility that Brian had lost the concept of time -- which he had described sometimes happened to him whilst high. The thought made Justin feel ill.    
  
‘Lasky, you still there?’ Trixie asked and now she sounded concerned. Justin swore under his breath. He had to say something, but if Brian had actually relapsed... _ If  _ that was the case, would Trixie be the best person to help? Trixie who judged people for smoking cigarettes. 

‘Yeah sorry,’ Justin said and added: ‘I think he actually just forgot.’ That was so not Brian, but the lie would have to do. Justin didn’t have a better one. ‘He left for yoga a while ago, so I think he’s not picking up because he’s in a class. I’m sorry you had to wait... I’ll, I’ll tell him, ok?’    
  
Justin had no idea whether Trixie would buy it. He sounded suspicious even to himself.   
  
‘Mm. Yeah ok,’ came the answer, but Justin could hear from the voice that she was confused.    
  
‘I’ll tell him to call you,’ Justin added and hoped that would give him more time to figure out what was going on before Trixie would try calling Brian again. Or him for that matter.    
  
‘Ok, thanks,’ she replied.   
  
Justin ended the call and glanced at the keys on the table. God, he hoped the man had lost his phone and was stuck in traffic. He decided on a taxi as he didn’t trust himself to drive; he felt antsy and his concentration was lacking. Taxi would be safer than driving. When he arrived, it took him two tries to get the key into the lock after no one answered his knocks. His imagination had ran to all kinds of places, most of which ended in an overdose and hospital. Some of which ended up with them breaking up because Justin had overreacted and Brian hence wanted nothing to do with him. Justin didn’t know which scenario made him feel worse.    
  
Justin opened the door and stepped into the apartment. It was quiet.    
  
‘Brian?’ he called out. There was no reply. Justin took a deep breath and closed the door. He walked into the kitchen and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. There were some dishes on the counter.    
  
‘Brian?’ 

This time Justin heard a low grunt and turned towards the bedroom as it seemed like the sound had come from there. He walked through the living room and took note of the light bulb on the coffee table. Well, the problem wasn’t a car crash or a forgotten phone. Justin was also not overreacting.    
  
‘Brian?’ he called again, staring at the bulb and the remaining drugs in it. He assumed it was Tina, what else? How long had it been again? Five days, six? He heard no reply this time around but proceeded towards the bedroom, only to find it empty. A light was on in the big bathroom attached to the bedroom and Justin cautiously approached the space. He had no idea what would wait him in the room and he could feel anxiety settling in.   
  
Justin pulled the door open and stared down at Brian, who was sitting on the bathroom floor, looking up to him. The man was wearing just a pair of boxers and a loose white tank top. His hair was a mess, he looked absolutely exhausted and his lips were slightly blue.   
  
‘Hi honey,’ Brian greeted Justin, wrapping his arms around his knees and pressing his forehead against them as if trying to hide.    
  
It hurt, seeing Brian like this. Justin wished he could make it all better, but he had no such skills. Kneeling next to Brian, Justin felt simultaneously relieved and anxious as he hugged the older man. Brian clung  to him and hid his face against Justin’s neck. He smelled of sweat and cigarettes, and his hair was greasy. Based on the smell Justin suspected the man had not showered in days.

Brian’s skin felt cold under Justin’s touch and he wondered how long the man had been sitting on the bathroom floor.    
  
‘You’re cold,’ Justin said quietly.    
  
‘It got so hot,’ Brian explained with a raspy voice before clearing his throat: ‘The tiles felt so nice and cool,’ he continued and Justin squeezed his eyes close. The fact that Justin recognised increased body temperature as one of the earliest signs of an overdose did not help. Apparently sometimes knowing was worse than not knowing. Brian felt cold though, and Justin had no idea whether he was still under the influence. Was there a reason to be worried, to go to a hospital? Was there something he did not know? 

‘Babe,’ Justin whispered. ‘Do you feel ok?’ he asked and realised immediately how stupid the question was. Of course Brian didn’t feel ok, so he corrected himself: ‘I mean-’

‘I know what you mean,’ Brian interrupted with a shaky voice and Justin squeezed him closer. ‘I’m fine. I’ll be fine.’ 

Justin nodded and figured that Brian was coherent enough to know whether he would need medical attention. At least, he hoped Brian knew… They stayed like that for a while, curled up together, but Justin knew they really needed to get up from the cold floor -- the sooner the better.

Justin kissed Brian’s temple and lowered his head to see the man’s face, to meet his eyes. Brian glanced up at him with dilated pupils and snorted quietly.

‘I fucked up,’ Brian whispered, defeated. His voice was trembling and a tear escaped to his cheek. Justin could visibly see how hard he was trying to keep it together.   
  
‘It’s ok,’ Justin answered quietly and stroked Brian’s cheek. ‘It’ll be ok. We can sort this out.’

Justin wanted nothing more than to wrap Brian into a warm, fluffy blanket of acceptance, comfort and care. He wondered how much Brian had used and for how long. He wondered whether the worst was over, or still coming. He wondered whether Brian had been using before their argument, or just after. How much of this was his fault and how much he could help to fix it. The only thing he was certain of was that a warm shower could solve two of Brian’s problems.    
  
‘Do you think you have energy to take a shower?’ Justin asked gently, stroking Brian’s hair while holding him tight. The man shook his head against Justin’s shoulder and took a deep breath.    
  
‘You smell amazing,’ Brian commented and Justin chuckled.    
  
‘Well you smell awful,’ he answered and squeezed Brian once before releasing his hold and catching his eyes. ‘Come on, let’s take a shower. I’ll help.’   
  
Brian did not resist as Justin first undressed his jacket and t-shirt, and then pulled off Brian’s tank top. Justin abandoned the clothes onto the toilet seat and stood up. He got rid of his jeans, briefs and socks before offering his hand to Brian, who accepted it. He pulled Brian up with ease and undressed him before pushing him into the shower. Brian leaned onto the tiled wall and looked at Justin. The gaze was somehow haunted. There was pain, exhaustion and somehow he seemed to be asking for help -- and there was very little Justin could do to offer it.    
  
‘It’s ok, just sit down,’ Justin said kindly and Brian slid down against the wall while Justin started the shower. He was careful to adjust the temperature and not get cold water on either of them. The water got warm quickly and Justin crouched down, letting it wash over Brian’s shoulders and chest.    
  
‘Good?’ Justin asked and Brian nodded before reaching for Justin to come closer. It was difficult and awkward, but somehow Justin ended up sitting astride on Brian’s lap. He let the water flow over them to make Brian warm and washed away the past three days. He caressed, stroked, soaped and played with Brian’s hair while shampooing it. He dropped small kisses on Brian’s shoulders and neck, finally reaching his jaw and Brian turned to face him.    
  
‘I’m sorry,’ Brian whispered onto Justin’s lips. ‘For what I said.’    
  
‘I know, I’m sorry too,’ Justin said and pressed their lips together, intending to kiss Brian but he backed off immediately, gagged and aimed the shower to Brian’s mouth. ‘Jesus man, you really need to brush your teeth.’   
  
Brian chuckled wearily and gargled some of the water in his mouth. He then took another mouthful and spurted it couple of seconds before spitting it on Justin’s chest, grinning.    
  
‘Really mature,’ Justin chuckled and bowed down to kiss the man. He tasted slightly better this time around.    
  
It took them a good thirty minutes to get clean between the small cuddles and kisses. Justin had made promises of pizza and bed, to which Brian had just nodded. Justin knew they were dancing around the problem, around the actual discussion they needed to have, around the lightbulb on the living room coffee table. Justin however recognised that Brian needed to sleep and eat before they could have any constructive discussion. It would have to wait.    
  
Justin was wearing one of Brian’s Katya t-shirts as he walked to the living room to get his phone in order to order the pizza, but paused as he caught sight of the bulb-pipe. He didn’t know how long he had stared at it before Brian came looking for him and caught him staring. Brian wrapped his hands around Justin’s waist and pressed his forehead against Justin’s back.    
  
‘’m sorry,’ he mumbled. Justin took a deep breath. It wasn’t a matter of apologising.    
  
‘Where’s the rest?’ Justin asked quietly and could feel Brian tense up.    
  
‘Do we have to do this now?’ Brian asked, tightly. Justin turned within Brian’s embrace and wrapped his arms around Brian’s shoulders.    
  
‘No. We don’t have to,’ he said and pressed a kiss on Brian’s forehead. He wanted to, but he also knew from experience that pressuring would not work.    
  
Brian sighed and squeezed Justin closer. It felt like the man was trying to get inside Justin entirely. As if he was trying to hide from the world around him. 

‘It’s all in the bag,’ Brian whispered, but didn’t move. ‘Next to the sofa.’    
  
Brian still made no signs to move and Justin decided he was not going to do it for him. It was Brian’s decision. It had to be Brian’s decision. He leaned back in Brian’s embrace and placed both of his hands on Brian’s cheeks before looking him deep into the eyes. 

‘Get rid of it, don’t get rid of it,’ he pressed a light kiss on Brian’s lips: ‘I’m not going anywhere. I’m here until you tell me to go.’ 

Justin knew he had said the words before, but he had also lived up to the promise. When Aaron had told him to go, he had.   
  
Brian answered by pulling Justin close and kissing him. 

‘I want you to stay,’ he whispered.    
  
Justin had heard that before. Aaron had said the exact same words on the first, the second, even on the third time around -- and Justin had stayed. Only time would tell whether Brian would eventually ask him to leave, but until then Justin would be there. Because that’s what you did when you loved someone. You stood by them and offered support until they no longer wanted it, or when you no longer were supporting them, when you became the reason they were falling apart. Justin had been there before and swore to himself that he wouldn’t let that happen again. Not this time around. Not with Brian. 

Brian broke the kiss slowly and detached himself from Justin. He reached for the bag next to the sofa and then walked into the smaller bathroom next to the kitchen, pulling Justin with him. Justin followed his steps and watched as Brian dug out a small minigrip bag, opened it, glanced at Justin over his shoulder and emptied it into the toilet. He was staring down at it couple of seconds before making the abrupt movement to flush. Afterwards,Brian just stood there, silently.   
  
Justin pulled him into a firm hug.    
  
‘Thank you,’ Justin said quietly, even if Brian hadn’t necessarily made the decision for him. Or maybe he had? Justin had no way of knowing. 

‘I love you,’ Justin added quietly, almost as an afterthought. He could feel Brian shiver slightly after the words. He wrapped his arms around Justin and pressed his nose against Justin’s neck, just below the jaw.   
  
‘I love you, too.’   
  
Justin’s heart skipped a beat. It was the first time Brian had ever said the words. He had shown that he cared in many ways, had shown the admiration and love he had for Justin, but never before had he actually uttered the phrase before. They didn’t make a romantic picture. They were standing in a small bathroom, Brian was still holding a minigrip bag that held traces of crystal meth and they were both wearing just t-shirts and briefs. Moreover, Brian resembled a zombie due to the lack of sleep. It was trashy and crude. It was rough and real. It was a treasure created of layers of trash. It was perfect.    
  
‘I’m exhausted,’ Brian whispered, shaking Justin out of his thoughts.   
  
‘Come on, let’s get you to bed.’   
  
Brian fell asleep in minutes under Justin’s gentle strokes and kisses. Justin had no idea how long the man should sleep or needed to sleep and in order to do some research he grabbed his phone. Trixie had called him three times. Shit. He didn’t want to talk to the Barbie without knowing how much Brian would want to share and ended up texting her instead: ‘He’s fine, he says hi and he’ll explain later. Tomorrow or the day after. Sorry.’ He pressed send before he could start to over-analyse whether the message was good or bad, too revealing or not clear enough. Brian would have to have a difficult conversation with Trixie regardless.   
  
He glanced down to the sleeping man and pressed one more kiss onto his cheek before getting out of the bed and tiptoeing into the livingroom. It was barely 9PM and he wasn’t sleepy yet. There were too many thoughts and questions in his head for him to calm down and he could also feel that he had never finished the plate of plasticy, overly salty pasta he had started at home. He ordered the pizza even if Brian was asleep and turned the TV on.    
  
It was couple of hours later that Justin made his way back to the bedroom and noticed Brian squirming in his sleep. He crawled onto the bed, next to Brian and pulled the man into a hug. He’d learned with time that Brian was actually a quite light sleeper and tried his best not to startle him.    
  
‘Hey you,’ he said quietly and could feel Brian jerk awake so he continued gently: ‘You’re having a nightmare.’   
  
‘I am?’ Brian asked sleepily and Justin chuckled.    
  
‘Well hopefully not anymore,’ he noted and pressed a kiss on Brian’s forehead while stroking his hair. Brian smelled of sleep.    
  
‘Doesn’t feel like a nightmare,’ Brian noted and wrapped his arm around Justin, wiggling closer into the embrace. He cuddled his head underneath Justin’s chin, pressed a kiss on Justin’s adam’s apple and settled there, nested in the protection of the taller queen. The way in which Brian was seeking comfort made Justin smile and he wondered whether it would be only in these situations, when Brian felt very vulnerable, that he would ever repeat the three words Justin had waited to hear. He didn’t mind, much. But it had made him feel appreciated. Somehow hearing the three words made him feel more loved, even if words shouldn’t have mattered that much.    
  
‘Thank you for today,’ Justin whispered.    
  
‘Hm?’ Brian asked, confused.   
  
‘Earlier, when you told me you loved me,’ Justin explained and stroked Brian’s hair. ‘It was nice to hear the words, so, thank you.’    
  
‘But I say it all the time,’ Brian mumbled and frowned.    
  
‘No?’ Justin laughed into Brian’s hair, tracing his thumb over the man’s ear gently. ‘Today was the first time.’   
  
Brian blinked and wiggled away from Justin in order to actually look at him.    
  
‘What? Really?’ Brian was sure he had said the words before. They’d been dating for months and he thought about them all the time. It was not possible that he had never vocally expressed his feelings for Justin. ‘I must’ve told you before, like in the hospital when we first started dating?’   
  
Justin frowned. He was certain Brian had never replied to his love declaration with more than a statement that he cared.    
  
‘No, I don’t think so,’ Justin answered. Could he trust his own memory?    
  
‘Really? Are you sure?’ Brian asked, clearly doubtful. ‘Well I must’ve told you on Detox’s birthday, right?’   
  
Justin frowned. ‘No, definitely did not happen that night.’   
  
‘But I must’ve,’ Brian insisted and continued: ‘I even told Trixie that I’ll marry you and we’ll adopt a cactus, because it’s the only living thing we should be entrusted with as a couple.’    
  
‘Excuse you!’ Justin exclaimed: ‘I’m completely capable of taking care of pets! And when it comes to love, maybe you’ve showed me with your actions, but you’ve never before actually said the words before,’ he explained patiently. It wasn’t a big deal, not really.    
  
‘Really? Are you sure?’ Brian asked and looked like he thought that Justin was lying. ‘Even during sex?’ he added, raising his eyebrow.    
  
‘During sex does not count,’ Justin snorted. It really didn’t.     
  
‘So I have said it during sex!?’ Brian exclaimed victoriously.    
  
‘No, I don’t think you have,’ Justin shook his head, smiling at Brian’s antics. The discussion was turning into a game of who was right, which was good. It was Brian. It was them. It was normal. It was a sign that they could sort this mess out.    
  
‘Are you sure?’ Brian asked mischief in his eyes. ‘It could’ve been a hidden message. Something on the lines of ‘I want to lay Russian rat snake’-eggs with you…’’   
  
‘I would definitely remember if you had said that,’ Justin laughed, ‘and probably freaked out.’   
  
‘You’re not the egg laying type?’ Brian smirked.    
  
‘I’ve never really thought about egg laying,’ Justin drawled. He never had been in that kind of a relationship, and he highly doubted he was in that kind of a relationship even now. So he said as much: ‘I also know that you cannot be trusted with more than a cactus to look after, so I don’t think it’s relevant whether I’m the type or not.’   
  
‘So…’ Brian was quiet for a while and Justin waited, caressing Brian’s jaw. ‘Does that mean that you think we’re in it for the long run?’   
  
The insecurity in Brian’s voice caused something to tighten in Justin chest. Brian still hadn’t fully realised how much Justin loved him?    
  
‘Of course,’ Justin snorted, ‘as a mature, sophisticated, rich lesbian couple that respects American family values, we’re doing this long term,’ Justin said and listened to Brian’s wheezing, familiar laughter. Then he added quietly, more seriously: ‘Because I wouldn’t want to lay eggs with anyone else but you.’   
  
Brian smirked.    
  
‘That’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me. Well, after the time Trixie defined in great detail why she hates kissing me on UNHhhh.’   
  
Justin punched Brian on his shoulder in fake outrage.    
  
‘How dare yo-’    
  
His sentence was cut short by Brian’s lips and tongue, and Justin melted into the kiss. 

Yes, they still had things to figure out and it would be difficult, it would be problematic. Brian’s relapse would require some serious work from both of them, but Justin knew how to deal with addiction. It wasn’t like Brian had was the only one familiar with substance abuse in this relationships. No, with Sharon, Alaska had basically invented that. And fortunately, it wasn’t just Justin who sometimes felt insecure in their relationship. When it came to insecurity, Brian had basically invented that. 

There would be times when they’d want to give up on the relationship, on each other. But they could also choose to work it out. And that was exactly the point. They could make it if they both wanted to, if they both _ chose  _ to make it work.   
  
Brian broke the kiss, looked Justin into the eyes and placed his palm on Justin’s cheek, tracing his thumb over Justin’s cheekbone.    
  
‘I love you,’ he said gently and then grinned: ‘But I’m so not the egg laying type.’   
  
‘A cat?’ Justin asked, hopefully.   
  
‘I’ll think about it.’


	13. Poundcake slices - interlude drabbles between Ch12 and Ch13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally most of these were Primary Care drabbles that never made it to the actual storyline. After some extra inspiration from Dandee I decided to edit them slightly and publish them as brief segments that create a path from Ch12 to Ch13, originally the story just jumped forward in time (does that count as a teaser for Ch13? Oh definitely.). I hope you like them. No song, sorry. xx

**[ December, 2017 ]**

 

Justin changed his shirt once again and walked to the living room.

'How about this one?'

Brian lifted his eyes from the magazine.

'Perfect, let's go!' he exclaimed enthusiastically.

Justin frowned and pursed his lips. That’s what Brian had said about the previous one...

'I don't know...'

Brian groaned, dropped the magazine on the floor and pressed his palms into his eye sockets in frustration.

'They're not going to care what you're wearing! You could come in full trash bag drag and my mother would love you!'

'You said she thinks I'm cold and obnoxious.'

'That was in All Stars! And you were!'

Justin bit his lip. Brian might have had a point.

'Honey, you're stressed for absolutely nothing.'

Justin lifted his gaze to meet Brian's. The blonde was now walking towards him.

‘Just think about it,’ Brian said as he stuffed his hand into Justin’s back pockets and pulled the taller man close.

‘You’re a college educated, rich man with an ascending career,’ Brian listed. ‘And what is more, you’re not a drug addict. I didn't not meet you in AA, and while you can be a complete brat when you don’t get your way, rest of the time you’re a caring and loving creature that makes me extremely fucking happy. What else would a parent want in a partner for their child?’

‘Healthy ovaries and socially acceptable moral values?’ Justin suggested cheekily.

Brian shut him up with a rough kiss.

__________________________ 

 

**[ September, 2018 ]**  
  


Brian stared at the dinner table that was set for two. There were two wine glasses, but one of them was already filled with water. There were two forks near the plates and the napkins were folded. There were candles on the table but they weren’t lit. Justin was nowhere to be found.

‘Justin?’ Brian called again and was once more faced with silence. He peeked into the kitchen and frowned at the two pots on the stove. Pasta? Bolognese? Must’ve been made of soy… Brian wrinkled his nose at the vegetarian version of the dish.

He heard the front door open and turned just in time to see Justin rushing into the kitchen.

‘Oh! You’re here!’ Justin exclaimed in surprise.

‘Yeah, took a taxi,’ Brian grinned and walked into the offered embrace. ‘What’s all this?’

‘We’re celebrating,’ Justin grinned against Brian’s lips and then bit down gently, trapping Brian’s lower lip.

‘And what’s the occasion?’ Brian asked, confused.

‘You’re home,’ Justin whispered and pressed his nose against Brian’s cheek before taking a deep breath. ‘The occasion is that you’re finally back home.’

__________________________ 

 

  
**[ April, 2019 ]**  
  


Brian had never seen Sharon so distressed.

It was 4am and the Queen of Shadows had been sitting on Brian’s sofa for hours. Brian didn’t know any of the details, just that Needles had arrived to his door late at night, looking for Alaska. Brian had given the pair privacy and went back to bed, but the quiet murmurs kept him awake. He had gotten up to get a glass of water but halted at the bedroom door when he saw Sharon leaning in for a kiss.

Justin had backed off slightly, but not enough, not in time. The pair had shared a brief kiss until Justin had finally turned his head and collected the distressed blond into a tight embrace.

‘I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking,’ Sharon had whispered.

‘It’s ok, you’re upset,’ Justin had answered quietly, stroking Sharon’s back gently. ‘But you know better.’

‘I know,’ Sharon had sighed. ‘I love him so much and I totally fucked up.’

‘You’ll sort it out,’ Justin had answered and Brian had wanted to separate the two.

He had wanted to scream at Sharon to let go and tell Justin to stop caring so fucking much. Instead he had tiptoed into the kitchen, carefully trying not to be noticed by the other two. He had poured himself a glass of water and made his way back to the bedroom. He got under the covers and had taken a deep calming breath.

He loved Justin and Justin loved him. Whatever was going on with Sharon was none of his business as long as it did not involve Alaska. Trust. It was the key word and he needed to work on it. Justin would come back to bed eventually and tell him what had happened. Justin would explain and apologise. Trust. All that he needed to do was to trust him.

*

Sharon wiped away the tears and glanced at Justin.

‘I can’t believe he just walked past, without a word.’

Justin chuckled. In all honesty he had wondered whether Brian would freak out. He’d mentally prepared to defend himself -- and Sharon. But Brian had just tiptoed to the kitchen and then back to the bedroom. Apparently their relationship was in a securer place than couple of years ago when Sharon’s mere presence had annoyed Brian.

‘Yeah,’ Justin nodded. Brian’s actions spoke of trust and respect. Trust that Justin would not cross boundaries. Respect that Justin was his own person and did not need Brian to handle situations for him. He glanced at the direction of the bedroom and couldn’t prevent the soppy smile spreading to his lips.

‘I guess you weren’t lying. My teeth truly are rotting...’

__________________________ 

 

  
**[ August, 2020 ]**  
  


Justin stared at the plant Brian had placed on the bedroom windowsill. The man had stormed into their shared apartment full of energy, babbling about his new discovery.

‘And then she tells me you need to water it only once a week or so! I just had to get it!’

Justin nodded and looked at the cactus. The first and only living thing they’d try to take care of. Justin gave it a year. He probably should apologise the plant in advance because Brian would in all likelihood kill the damn thing sooner rather than later.

‘She needs a name,’ Brian continued enthusiastically.

‘She?’ Justin raised his eyebrows.

‘Yes, she. Being our adopted daughter, she should have a name.’

Justin chuckled and half-hugged Brian to his side. The man was unstoppable at this point, and why not? They were weird, they could have a cactus daughter.

‘I like Abigail,’ Justin said and bit his lip. He’d always liked the name.

Brian glanced up to him in disbelief.

‘Definitely not,’ Brian shook his head. ‘That’s way too... homosapiens. Not planty enough.’

Justin burst out laughing. He didn’t think ‘planty’ counted as a word.

‘Well, what do you suggest, my darling botanist?’

‘Gertrude,’ Brian said with a determined grin.

Justin figured Brian had probably decided on the name way before he had even paid for the plant. He glanced at the cactus and wondered whether he could even pronounce the name. Not that he ever would have to. He wasn’t going to introduce the cactus to anyone, so it would not matter what it… She was called.

‘Fine,’ Justin snorted, ‘I’ll just save Abigail for our actual daughter.’

Brian’s easy laughter filled the room.

‘Sure, whatever.’

Justin could recognise disregard in Brian’s tone.

__________________________ 

 

  
**[ February, 2021 ]**  
  


Brian was laying on the sofa and watched as Ygritte, once again, uttered the words: ‘You know nothing, Jon Snow’.

It must’ve been his third time watching the series through, and every time he could pinpoint new nuances. He lip synced to some of the dialogue and pretended to be Ygritte in all of her warrior glory.

‘Look! I found an old video of us,’ Justin interrupted his play by blocking his view of the television with his mobile. Brian glanced at the smaller screen and frowned. He couldn’t remember this one. Where were they? His hair looked amazing though. Did he still have that wig somewhere?

‘Oh, it’s an After Show!’ Brian realised, but still couldn’t place the time or venue.

‘Yeah, Christmas Queens, 2015,’ Justin laughed and slid onto the sofa, over the backrest and on top of Brian.

‘Ugh, you’re heavy,’ Brian grunted, but wrapped his arm around Justin’s shoulders as the taller man wiggled to find a more comfortable position. Brian’s arm touched moist skin and he glanced at Justin. The tall man was wearing just a towel around his hips and his skin felt warm after the shower.

‘We look so cute,’ Justin ignored Brian’s complaints and lifted the mobile so that they could both see the screen.

‘You look cute. I look beautiful,’ Brian corrected and Justin snorted.

‘Can you believe this was six years ago?’

‘No, I cannot,’ Brian grunted. ‘How did I get so fucking old in just six years?’

Justin laughed and turned Brian’s head to kiss him on the lips. ‘I know, there’s nothing graceful about your aging. I didn’t sign up for this.’

Brian’s familiar wheezing laughter had not changed one bit through the years and Justin closed his eyes to enjoy the sound, to be wrapped into it.

‘Bitch,’ Brian shook his head and stroked Justin’s side while looking at the video where Alaska was currently impersonating Gia Gunn. It looked like they were having fun and Brian wondered why it hadn’t occurred to him back then, that Justin could be more than just a friend. He glanced down at the man laying on top of him and smiled. It was a little unbelievable that they had actually come this far...

 


	14. The T

 

The viewing party for the finale of RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars 3 had been scheduled to start at 6PM. The episode would air at eight, but before that the management of Fountain, the newest queer space in town, had arranged multiple numbers for the expectant audience. The top three, Trixie, Willam and Laila had agreed on one viewing party and managed to arrange a surprisingly lucrative deal for themselves by allowing World of Wonder to broadcast the event live.

‘I need to get paid to get in drag,’ Trixie had justified the decision that had sparked some criticism among the fans. $70 was a lot of money to pay just to see people watching TV. Laila and Willam had, however, agreed with Trixie’s sentiments and as the event had grown from a simple viewing party into a full drag show with Drag Race alumni and stand-up comedy, the critique over pricey entrance tickets had also calmed down. The viewing party was definitely the most talked about event in Hollywood drag circles that week.

When Trixie had called Alaska in regards to the event, and asked whether she’d do an interview with the host as the current All Stars reigning, Alaska had laughed.

‘Girl, as long as there’s a paycheck involved,’ she’d drawled happily, but at this very moment she regretted the decision. She had barely 20 minutes before she had to step onto the stage and instead of being able to prepare, instead of getting into the mindset of Alaska, she was listening Katya’s ranting.

‘It’s not like I don’t get it, she’s been single for so long.’

Alaska dragged her long nails along the white wall as they walked and wasn’t entirely sure how Katya was expecting her to react. It wasn’t the first time either, that Katya had something to say about Trixie’s taste in men or boyfriends.

‘It’s not like Trixie’s perfect,’ Katya continued as she opened the door for Alaska to step into the dressing room they were sharing.

‘U’huh,’ Alaska nodded and glanced at the man she had considered her lover for the past six years.

‘But I mean, she could do better. Right?’

Alaska raised her eyebrows at Katya’s question. What kind of response was she expecting?

‘What?’ Katya asked, baffled.

‘You just have a lot to say, that’s all,’ Alaska sighed and checked her makeup in the mirror. It wasn’t perfect, but it would have to do. She had no time to fix the slightly smudged eyeliner.

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Katya asked, in a rather pointed tone, in Alaska’s opinion.

‘Nothing,’ Alaska sighed. She really didn’t want to fight, but her patience was wearing thin. She needed to concentrate as she would be on stage in a couple of minutes.

‘It didn’t sound like nothing,’ Katya murmured under her breath and Alaska wanted to scream.

‘Ok, fine. You clearly want to fight, so let’s fight,’ she snapped.

‘No, I don-,’ Katya started, but was immediately cut off.

‘If you’re so fucking concerned -- whether he’s good enough for her, treats her right, gives her everything she needs -- then why don’t you date her, hm? Sounds to me like you think you’d do a better job than Ben. Or any of Trixie’s previous boyfriends for that matter!’’

Katya blinked at Alaska’s words and opened her mouth to respond, but before she had a chance to say anything there was a quick knock at the door, which was immediately followed by a staff member pushing the door open and peeking into the room with a wide grin.

‘Hi guys,’ the man said cheerfully. ‘Alaska, you ready? You’re up in fifteen.’

‘Yeah, I’m ready,’ Alaska replied without moving her eyes from Katya, who was still staring at her with her mouth slightly open. Alaska raised a questioning eyebrow at her, but only got a confused frown in response. Alaska could read embarrassment and confusion in Katya’s eyes but as she made no efforts to carry on the conversation, Alaska took a deep breath. The discussion would have to wait. She needed to concentrate, get in character and additionally, it seemed like Katya needed a minute to sort out her thoughts. Alaska tried to swallow down the uneasy feeling in her throat as she turned on her heels.

‘I’ll talk to you later,’ she said quietly to Katya and followed the completely oblivious staff member out the door.

Katya stared after Alaska for a moment and as the door closed behind Alaska, she looked at herself in the mirror and sneered.

‘Nicely handled, mother,’ she drawled at her reflection before swearing colourfully under her breath. How did she end up in these situations? She rolled her eyes at the question as knew exactly how. Her mouth got her into trouble more often than she liked to admit.

Katya shook her upper body in order to shake off the tingly feeling of guilt beneath her skin. She understood Alaska’s point of view, but at the same time she thought that the Snake-lady had slightly overreacted. Alaska knew very well that Katya cared for Trixie and that there were no romantic feelings between them -- not anymore at least. Moreover, Katya’s interest had always been unrequited. So yes, there might’ve been a time when Katya had hoped that she could share her life with Brian Firkus. However, that ship had sailed a long time ago and Katya had moved on. Alaska knew this. They had talked about it.

Katya’s thoughts were interrupted as the dressing room door opened and Violet Chachki walked in with her personal assistant.

‘Oh bitch! Stop stalking me!’ Violet grinned, and walked to Katya in bright yellow flip flops to give her a hug.

‘Girl, gotta take my pleasures where I can find them,’ Katya snickered and blew a couple of air kisses around Violet’s face.

‘Whatever gramps,’ Violet laughed, signaling to the assistant to leave the bag next to the dresser and get her a drink.

‘I was told I could change here?’ Violet asked and Katya realised that she was wearing one of her aerial performance outfits, which explained the odd choice in shoes. Apparently Violet’s number had ended, which meant that Alaska would be up in a few minutes.

‘Yeah, of course’ Katya nodded.

‘How have you been?’ Violet asked, unzipping the black bodysuit.

‘You know, busy,’ Katya said offhandedly, trying to be at least somewhat discreet about her appreciation of Violet’s stripping. ‘I heard you opened a school?’

‘A fitness studio,’ Violet corrected.

‘Right,’ Katya said, nodding. ‘So what’s that about?’

‘You know, we have aerial silk, hoop and sling classes, and Tony has started to look into trapeze instructors. We’d really like to learn and provide those classes as well. It’s small still, but we’re being optimistic,’ Violet explained carefully, smiling slightly. She seemed pleased that Katya had asked, shown interest.

‘Tony?’

‘Oh, right!’ Violet laughed. ‘The husband, I forgot you weren’t there with Alaska.’

Katya nodded. She remember the time Alaska had performed in Atlanta three years ago. She’d come back the day after, baffled and full of gossip on how Violet had met a guy, fallen in love and gotten married in six months flat. Apparently the pair were still going strong, which made Katya happy for Violet. She personally had never seen even a picture of the guy, but Justin had sworn the man was easily confused with Terence Telle in bad lighting.

‘- but apparently he’s amazing. You’ve met him, right?’ Violet asked and drew Katya out of her thoughts.

‘Met who?’ she asked.

Violet was quiet for a moment, eyeing Katya skeptically, before adding: ‘Ben. They guy I’ve been talking about for the last minute and a half, Trixie’s man? Don’t tell me you have nothing to say?’

Katya stared at Violet for a moment and something slightly worrisome occurred to her.

‘Why would I have something to say?’ she asked carefully.

Violet snorted, clearly amused. ‘Of course you do.’

‘I do?’

‘Oh, come on, don’t get cute! I’m sure you’ve found at least five reasons why he’s not good enough for her.’

Katya stared at Violet, who was slipping into a pair of black stockings. She wasn’t entirely sure whether the number that Violet was suggesting was right, but she certainly held some opinions about Ben.

‘You really have nothing to say?’ Violet asked, raising her eyebrows in surprise.

Katya shook her head. She didn’t have anything _new_ to say. After all, she had already told everything to Alaska…

‘Wow,’ Violet sighed, shaking her head. ‘Well, I guess congratulations are in order! I didn’t think you’d ever get over her, which was why I never tried to make us more than casual sex,’ she laughed. ‘Little did I know you actually were emotionally available.’

Katya blinked at the statement. Violet had once upon a time thought that she wasn’t emotionally available because of Trixie? Maybe she really did pay too much attention to Trixie’s personal life? She had never considered Violet as anything more than a consistent, casual hook-up, but apparently Violet had entertained the possibility of them as a couple -- and apparently very quickly dismissed it because of Trixie...

Katya worried her lower lip and wondered whether Justin had ever thought the same and suddenly Alaska’s earlier words were no longer confusing or funny to Katya, they were more like a stab in the gut.

 

*  *

 

[ earlier the same day ]

 

_Brian looked up to the mirror and wondered whether the fabric of the red cat suit would be practical with the cape he had brought with him. There was a possibility that the sequins would cling to the tulle and in the worst case scenario rip the fabric apart, exactly like in Boston last summer. He examined the seam of the patch and frowned. He’d ask Trixie as soon as the fucker would grace the dressing room with her presence. She’d texted him that her taxi driver held no degrees in geography, navigation or basic human communication and that she’d therefore be couple of minutes late. That had been over 30 minutes ago._

_Brian hadn’t seen Trixie for a couple of months, thanks to their mismatching schedules, and was anxious to get at least some time with his best friend before the night’s event. Brian had just moved the outfit back onto the suitcase and taken a seat at the dresser, when Trixie finally made an appearance._  
  
_‘Hey girl hay,’ Brian drawled, trying out his high-pitched RuPaul impersonation and smirked at the Barbie, who stood at the doorway in half-drag._

_‘Wow. You have that little faith in me? Go fuck yourself, I’m leaving,’ Trixie drawled and lifted her hand up as she made an offended face and turned to leave._

_Brian cracked into his wheezing laughter. God, he had missed her and her quick uptake on all of his references. Trixie might’ve been sent home too early on season seven, twice, but this time around it seemed like the doll would bring home the jackpot. With four wins, Trixie had destroyed season three of All Stars._

_Brian walked up to her and helped her to drag her suitcase into the dressing room._

_‘So good to see your wizen face,’ Trixie said and pulled Brian into a quick but tight hug after they reached the dresser._

_‘How was London?’ Brian asked, smiling._

_Trixie’s European tour had been sold out in most countries and she’d been asked to perform three nights in London at the end of it. Brian could imagine how exhausted she was._

_‘It was alright,’ Trixie shrugged without properly meeting Brian’s eyes, which he thought was odd. The Barbie should’ve been full of confidence, energy and spark. Tonight was the night! Brian eyed Trixie up and down and while the doll clearly was trying to cover it up, she seemed nervous. Brian noticed she was also fidgeting and failed to ask after Alaska, which she usually did._

_‘What’s wrong, Barbra?’ Brian asked, concerned but half jokingly. It was probably just the pressure of the finale. He knew the feeling, he’d been there._

  
_‘Katya, I-um, can we talk?’ Trixie replied quietly and Brian halted. She looked very serious and Brian frowned. So something really was wrong? It wasn’t just nerves? Brian got more worried and glanced around in the large dressing room as he placed his hand on Trixie’s shoulder to give a supportive squeeze._

_‘Of course,’ he nodded. ‘What’s up?’_

_Trixie was eyeing the space around them and seemed to come to the conclusion that they had enough privacy. Other people seemed to be out of immediate hearing distance._

_‘It was in London, and I swear I only thought to try it once,’ she started with a low, insecure voice._

_Brian frowned. He was hoping Trixie was talking about snowboarding, or fisting._

_‘You talked about the feeling, and how it give you this energy and I just,’ Trixie was clearly struggling to express herself and something seemed off. Brian was starting to get concerned. There weren’t many things he would describe as ‘bringing energy’ and he had a bad feeling that Trixie was not talking about yoga._

_‘I just wanted to know what it was like,’ she continued and refused to meet Brian’s eyes._

_‘But then the high felt so good,’ she said suddenly and looked up with an excited spark in her eyes. ‘Katya, it was brilliant. It was so good. Exactly like you described and the one time turned into the whole weekend and-’_

_‘Wait,’ Brian stopped her monologue by lifting up his hand. High? As in, high-high? Was Trixie serious? She had done drugs in London? Trixie? Trixie Mattel? The queen who consistently judged him for smoking and… Brian couldn’t believe it. But the way she described it..._

_‘Are you,’ Brian started but struggled to find words. ‘Do you- Are you talking about what I’m thinking you’re talking about?’_

_‘Yeah. I’ve got some on me,’ Trixie admitted and seemed uncertain about the admission. ‘But I’m not sharing, Alaska would kill me.’_

_Brian was staring at his best friend in a mixture of disbelief and horror. Trixie had done drugs in London, had some on her at this very moment, and was refusing to share it with Brian? Brian who had been sober for years? Yes, Alaska would fucking murder them both. Not that he had any intention to… How the fuck did this happen? What an-_

_‘Hieee,’ a familiar voice interrupted his thoughts and Brian could smell Alaska’s perfume. Just in time, the support he needed in situations like these. He glanced up to his partner and noticed a man standing right behind Alaska._

_‘Ben’s been here with Trixie since yesterday,’ Alaska said, half-introducing the man behind her. ‘You guys have met, right?’ Alaska asked Brian cheerfully and placed two coffee cups onto the dresser reserved for Trixie’s makeup._  
  
_Brian blinked. Yes. He knew Ben, or Meth in drag. From London. They’d performed together couple of times and- It clicked. He turned his eyes to Trixie without greeting Meth and could see that the barbie was trying really hard not to laugh._  
  
_‘You utter. Fucking. Cunt!’ Brian spat and attacked Trixie with the first item he could reach and grab from the nearby table; a contouring brush._  
  
_‘YOU ROTTED FUCKING HILA MONSTER!’ he exclaimed and kept slapping Trixie wherever he could reach with the brush while Trixie howled in laughter and tried to defend herself._

_‘Meth! Doing fucking Meth!’ Brian howled._  
  
_Alaska glanced at Meth next to her with a raised eyebrow._

_‘I think I’m missing something?’ she asked the man, who shrugged._  
  
_‘Well, assuming they’re talking about me and not crystal,’ Meth drawled, ‘I bet it was some version of the worn out ‘I’m on meth’-joke.’_  
  
_Alaska chuckled and turned to look at the fighting Brians._  
  
_‘Though, I have to note that Trixie should probably not be making any statements of having been **on** anything,’ Meth added and took a sip of his coffee._

_The comment halted the fighting and while Brian smirked, Trixie turned to stare at Meth, unamused. Alaska covered her mouth to hide her amusement._  
  
_‘Penetration jokes. Really?’ Trixie huffed, raising her eyebrow. ‘Keep talking and I’ll top you after topping this competition,’ she added with a self-satisfied smirk._

_‘Looking forward to both,’ Meth laughed and Brian glanced at Alaska, wiggling his eyebrows._

_‘Don’t look at me,’ Alaska snorted and rolled her eyes as if appalled. ‘I already topped this year.’_

_The joke made the entire group laugh and Brian pulled Alaska to his side to plant a quick kiss on her neck._

_The group took good time getting familiar with the new dynamic. Alaska watched with fascination and relief how well Brian seemed to get along with Ben and smiled happily as they finally said their goodbyes, leaving the new couple to get ready. They stepped outside the dressing room and just as Brian was about to say something, Alaska pinned him against the hallway wall and shut him up with a passionate kiss._

_‘I’m so happy for them,’ she mumbled against Brian’s lips. ‘I hope this one lasts, so I can stop wondering what if.’_

_Brian was about to ask what Alaska meant by the statement but was again interrupted by Alaska’s lips and tongue. He figured he could ask later and wrapped his arms around Alaska’s waist._

 

*** ***

 

Katya was staring at the mirror and kept rewinding the scene along with Alaska’s words over and over again in her mind.

 

_‘I hope this one lasts, so I can stop wondering what if.’_

 

How could she have been so blind? Had Alaska always felt that Katya would eventually leave her for Trixie? Was she really so obsessive over Trixie’s boyfriends and lovers, that she had failed to reassure Alaska of her adoration, commitment and love for her?

 

Katya glanced at Violet, who was almost ready with dressing up and then back at her own reflection. Yes, she cared about whom Trixie dated, but that did not mean that Alaska had anything to worry about. Had Alaska felt insecure every single time Trixie went through a breakup? Quick math equation told Katya that during the six years that Brian and Justin had been an item, Trixie had gone through three serious boyfriends and multiple failed dating attempts. If Alaska really had thought that Brian would eventually leave her for Trixie, why hadn’t she ever said anything?

 

_‘Do you ever think about Trixie?’_

 

_‘How about Barbie-dolls?’_

 

_‘I don’t want to put ideas into your head.’_

 

_‘I hope this one lasts, so I can stop wondering what if.’_

 

Katya closed her eyes in frustration. All the times Alaska had asked about Trixie’s dating, arranged her blind dates with Alaska’s handsome friends and acquaintances, made sure that Trixie was up to date on the most recent dating apps and getting laid with the most handsome guys in the club... The memories crashed on Katya as the realisation hit. Alaska was Trixie’s best wingman, had been ever since they’d started dating, and suddenly it was plainly obvious why.

 

Interestingly enough, Katya had been on the better side of her thirties when she had, for the first time, decided to entertain monogamy as a serious option. Before Justin, she hadn’t thought it possible; to only want one person, to want to wake up in the same familiar embrace, surrounded by the same exact smells and scents, days on end. Yes, Katya had once upon a time wanted Trixie, but before Justin, Katya had thought boredom would set into every relationship eventually. Justin was different. While they definitely had settled into a comfortable routine, Katya had never stopped waiting for him. Whether Justin was on the other side of the world, performing for screaming audiences, or just taking a quick shower, Katya was always happy to see him return. Wherever Justin went, he seemed to take a part of Katya with him, and while Katya absolutely refused to entertain the cliché that Justin might have carried her heart in his back pocket, she had to admit that whenever the man was out of her sight, she felt slightly less balanced, slightly less complete. It was infuriating, really. She was absolutely certain that the snake-lady had had it planned all along, the slimy reptile.

 

Katya glanced at the closed door through the mirror and pursed her lips. She knew Justin got jealous, it was part of his charm. In the beginning of their relationship Katya had loved to test the waters, to see how far she could push him. But as she had learned to recognise the hurt and the fear in Justin’s eyes whenever Katya gave extra attention to a random stranger, she’d promised to herself that she’d never again intentionally make him wonder, whether he was good enough. Unfortunately, it had been that exact look that Alaska had given her just moments ago, the look of insecurity and jealousy Katya hadn’t seen in years. The fact that Katya had pushed Justin into that space once again, after all these years, made her feel slightly ill. She hadn’t meant to hurt him. But when Trixie had introduced Ben, and especially the way in which Trixie had gone about it, had left Katya wondering whether the pair was good for one another. Unfortunately for her and Justin, Alaska had been the only person present Katya could vent to.

Katya grimaced at the mirror. Could she reach Alaska before she would get up on the stage? Could she apologise and let Alaska know that Katya’s world started and ended with the controversial queen? That while Brian could live without Justin, he absolutely didn’t want to.

She glanced at the time and was left with two minutes. The was no chance she could talk to Alaska before her interview.

 

* *

 

  
‘Wait here and they’ll invite you on,’ Greg, the staff member that had interrupted their fight, said while indicating Alaska to the spot she was to wait in.  
  
Alaska stood next to the steps leading to the stage and nodded that she understood. She was still upset about Katya’s behaviour and regretted the heated words she’d blurted out. She hadn’t meant to shove her own insecurities to Katya’s face but sometimes she hoped Katya understood her position a little better. Of course she knew that Katya loved her, that Brian had chosen her, but every now and then she caught Trixie looking. Caught her in her thoughts and could tell that the Barbie sometimes regretted not letting Katya in, when she had had the chance.

 

It had been one of those drunken nights after a bad breakup, Katya abroad and Justin home alone, when Trixie had stumbled on their door step. Justin had let her in and offered her a glass of water as the crying country doll sat on the living room sofa and poured out her heart. How she could finally see that Katya was capable of real relationships, how she regretted the decision not to give Katya a chance when she had asked for it, how happy she was for Brian and Justin, and how much it hurt to realise that you had totally fucked up. Afterwards the Barbie had passed out and woken up the next day, confused about where she was and how she had ended up there. Justin had of course never repeated any of the details - and he never would. What was it in Brian McCook that attracted everyone? Even Justin couldn’t pinpoint it, but he knew he was a victim of the same spell. He was nothing special. He had just been lucky. Or at least luckier than Violet. More willing to accept Brian’s flaws than Trixie. Second, maybe even third best?

 

Alaska shook her head and tried to get rid of the self-destructive thought pattern she had developed over the years. The one which she knew was mere discharge of her own insecurity and imagination. She knew Katya loved her, she could see it in her actions and hear it in her words when she talked about the future. Katya never failed to include Alaska, and always spoke about ‘us’ rather than ‘me’. Alaska also knew that Katya loved Trixie, she had told her herself. But it was a different type of love between the two Brians than what Brian had with Justin. Alaska knew all of this. But sometimes, when she could see that Katya cared for Trixie, she still felt an ugly green monster waking up inside her, telling her that she wasn’t good enough and that eventually, eventually Katya would get bored. Alaska was convinced that the only reason Katya was so careful about protecting their privacy, keeping their relationship hidden from the public, was because Katya could see it ending. Public breakups were the worst, Alaska knew it. She’d been through one. So it made sense to hide. Because eventually they would breakup, and if no one knew that there had been a relationship, then now one would ask questions. It made perfect sense.  
  
‘Alaska, you’re on,’ someone told her and she nodded. Show time. Through mere willpower she plastered a smile on her lips and walked to the stage with the presence and confidence of the Queen of Snakes. She could handle this. This was her job.  
  
She greeted the roaring audience with a wave worthy of the Queen of England and took a seat next to the host, another queen.

 

‘Welcome,’ Octavia greeted Alaska and acknowledged her with a nod. Her pitch black hair was decorated with glitter and multiple tiny hot pink bows. It was obvious that her makeup had been retouched by Kim Chi before she had stepped onto the stage as it was slightly off from her usual aesthetic. Alaska wondered how quickly the British queens would become known in the States, especially if Meth would be attached to Trixie’s name and fame -- and she would be if their relationship became public knowledge. Octavia jumped to the most obvious question of how her reign as All Stars 2 winner had been and Alaska tried to keep her answer short. The audience applauded, murmured in approval and laughed at the right moments as Alaska described the years and the experience. She felt at home.  
****  
‘And who are you rooting for a win tonight?’ Octavia asked next.  
  
‘I think they all deserve to win,’ she drawled trying to keep diplomatic. ‘They are all fierce, beautiful and incredibly intelligent and talented in their own very unique ways.’  
  
Octavia nodded and glanced at the audience.  
  
‘There is a lot of support today for Trixie, some of them shocking,’ Octavia glanced at Acid Betty meaningfully, drawing a laugh from the audience. ‘Some of them not so shocking,’ she continued and indicated towards the bar, where Katya Zamolodchikova stood on the bar top, surrounded by feathers, dressed all in red, waving a banner of ‘Mattel  & Chi, best _barbie_ que in town!’. Alaska shook her head at the banner and chuckled. They might have their differences and some bad moments, but in the end, that red mess in sparkly, red platform jellies was the love of her life.  
  
‘Yes, there is a lot of support for everyone’s favorite doll,’ she agreed.  
  
‘How does it feel that you need to step down, to give space for the next All Stars winner?’  
  
‘I don’t see it that way,’ Alaska said. ‘To me it’s about recognising talent and giving credit where credit is due. I don’t think we are in competition with each other, we are all sisters and having a new All Stars winner does not diminish the talent of any other queen -- not mine, not previous winners, not even the talent of the queens who’ve never made it to the show. Drag Race has become rather mainstream and extremely popular, what we tend to forget is that drag is more than that, it is subculture and there are some amazing queens out there who have never even auditioned to the show.’

Octavia nodded as the comment got a roaring applause from the audience.  
  
‘Sharon Needles got married couple of weeks ago and gave an interview where she mentioned that not only was she supporting Willam for a win, but that she was very happy, and could feel that way as you had also found happiness.’  
  
Alaska could remember the interview and could only smile at her own recollections of the ceremony and the reception. Sharon had looked so happy and handsome, Josh on her side.  
  
‘Yeah, I guess she said that,’ Alaska admitted.  
  
‘So, is that to mean that there someone special in your life?’ the host asked and Alaska smiled as she noticed the noise in the bar quiet down. Everyone seemed to anticipate her answer. Fucking gossips.  
  
‘There are a lot of special people in my life,’ Alaska said diplomatically and chuckled at the disappointed groans in the audience.  
  
‘But there is also a romantic interest?’ Octavia chuckled. Alaska glanced down to her hands and fiddled the black fan she was holding. Katya’s fan.  
  
‘Yes, there is someone,’ she admitted, smiling as she lifted her gaze to Octavia. She could say as much, couldn’t she? They certainly had no plans to come public about their relationship, but there was no need to hide the feeling of happiness, was there?

‘There has been some rumours that he also works in the industry. Is that true?’ Octavia asked, wiggling her eyebrows. 

  
‘Well, if by industry you mean the show business... Then, I guess he does, yes.’  
  
‘And is he here with us, today?’ Octavia kept pushing and glanced at the audience.  
  
Alaska made conscious effort not to look at Katya at the bar.  
  
‘No,’ Alaska drawled and chuckled. ‘ _He_ couldn’t make it. Work commitments.’

It was the truth, Brian was not here, Katya was.

Octavia laughed brightly. ‘That’s a shame, everyone are very curious about what kind of a man would be needed to capture your attention,’ she said and Alaska chuckled.

‘How would you describe this relationship? Is it serious, passionate - _loving_?’ Octavia continued her inquiry and Alaska wondered why the queen had not been updated about her and Katya’s circumstances, their situation and wishes to keep their relationship private.

  
Alaska was silent for a moment. She couldn’t keep her eyes from Katya and glanced at the bar. Katya sent her an encouraging smile and a wink. They had known these types of questions might come up eventually somewhere, but Alaska hadn’t thought they might ask something like this here. It was supposed to be one of their safe spaces, drag party for drag queens, surrounded by their friends, fans and family. It was clear that Octavia’s questions were not malicious, merely curious, and when Alaska looked at Katya, who was standing on the bar more beautiful than ever, the answer to Octavia’s question was perfectly clear.  
  
‘Caring,’ Alaska said gently, staring at Katya for a moment before turning back to Octavia.

 

‘I would say it’s caring,’ Alaska repeated and was aware that every single person in the house was tuning in. Every single queen wanted to know more about the best kept secret of the RuGirl community.

 

‘You know when you have someone, and you know that whatever life throws at you, you can deal with it, because they are going to take care of it with you,’ Alaska continued, struggling to look at Octavia instead of Katya, as she spoke.

 

‘It’s all the good things, and all the bad things -- and it’s somehow stronger than love. It’s this trust between you two, that while attraction and passion come and go, and then come again in phases -- you know that they’ve got you.’

 

Brian was always there for Alaska, for Justin. There hadn’t been a one single instance where she had truly needed help, where Brian had failed to give it. Of course they had had difficult periods, they had fought and compromised, yelled and made up. But they had always eventually managed to sort it out, every single time.

 

‘In that type of relationship,’ Alaska said quietly and gave in to the urge to look at the Russian queen. She turned to Katya and it was most likely clear for everyone in the room, to whom she was talking to as she repeated: ‘In that type of relationship, you always do your best, your very best to care. And sometimes you fuck up. But that’s alright because you’ve learned to apologise and forgive. Yeah, that’s it, it’s care. It’s primary care.’  
  
Octavia was silent for a moment, appreciating the words that obviously meant a lot to Alaska.  
  
‘Thank you for sharing that. Is there anything else you’d like to add before the finale starts?’ Octavia asked and smiled to Alaska kindly as the audience roared in anticipation and excitement.  
  
‘Yes, actually,’ Alaska grinned and turned back to Octavia. ‘I’d also like to say that women should be paid an equal wage, bio-queens are valid and that black lives matter. Спасибо.’

 

*  *  

It was the following morning that Brian McCook woke up to the buzzing of his phone. He reached over Justin and answered with a sleepy ‘Yes?’, being completely unprepared for the overwhelmingly cheery Trixie.

‘Good morning Moscow! I’m calling to congratulate, and _thank you_ , for stealing Willam’s thunder. Well done, comrade, well done. Perfect execution of a completely subconscious strategy! Here on the planet of Trixie Mattel, we want acknowledge your efforts.’

Brian cringed at Trixie’s high tone. He recognised her voice, but her words made absolutely no sense, even if they were in perfect grammatical order.

‘What?’ he groaned and buried his face into Justin’s shoulder. Why was Trixie yelling?

There was a short silence at the other end before Trixie burst out a loud laughter.

‘I take you haven’t been on Twitter today?’ Trixie chuckled.

Brian frowned and glanced at the alarm clock. 08:34. He frowned in annoyance. Why was Trixie calling him at this god forsaken hour?

‘It’s not even 9am.’

‘You’re right, it’s not. But Europe has been awake for hours, Moscow even longer - and they’ve had time to flood your insta and twitter with a mixture of responses.’

Brian was starting to get tired at Trixie’s cryptics.

‘Brian, either tell me or let me sleep,’ Brian groaned in frustration and Justin stirred next to him.

‘Someone filmed you yesterday, rushing backstage and of course caught the kiss as well. It’s all very sweet and been viewed close to 300,000 times already. My bet is the Katlaska tag will break the internet by noon. So, anyway, I hope you enjoy this beautiful morning and will always remember today as the day your private life was on display for the whole world to see. Enjoy!’

Trixie hung up with a laugh and Brian blinked. Trixie’s words took a while to properly register but eventually Brian understood. Someone had caught them on camera at yesterday’s event and shared it online. Fuck.

He clicked open his twitter account and stared at the flood of messages, most of which either congratulated him, asked him to comment on the video or had a crying emoji with a trixya hashtag. It took him a while to scroll down to a tweet that had had the decency to add the link to the video.

The video started blurry but quickly focused on Katya getting down from the bar top, on which she had spent most of yesterday’s viewing party. She thrusted the _barbie_ que banner at Kim Chi and weaved her way towards the camera, which also meant towards the backstage. Brian remembered thinking that he needed to catch Justin after Alaska’s interview, needed to tell him how much he loved him and how much his words had meant to him. He needed to convince Justin that he wasn’t second best, had never been a replacement for Trixie and that what Brian truly felt for the man was love, care, want, _need_.

The camera was lowered as Katya passed it, most likely so, that she wouldn’t notice being filmed and then refocused on her back. Brian watched with fascination as Katya reached Alaska, who was stepping down from the stage, and immediately pulled the tall queen into a passionate kiss. Brian watched as Alaska wrapped her long arms around Katya’s shoulders and with one practiced movement supported her entire weight on Katya, lifting her long legs around Katya’s hips. Brian was grateful she had worn jellies rather than heels to the show, as he wasn’t convinced that he could’ve caught and held Alaska in stilettos. The video ended abruptly while they were still kissing.

Brian rubbed his eyes and sighed. Someone tweeted him to spill the T on the relationship. He glanced at Justin, who was still asleep next to him, and wondered what he would think about the situation. They were both rather private about their personal lives but there was absolutely no  chance that the video could’ve been interpreted as a Drag Queen fanservice. Maybe if they’d still been on the stage rather than behind it, then maybe...

Brian placed the phone next to his pillow and pulled Justin closer. Justin groaned quietly and wrapped his arm around Brian’s waist as he settled his shoulder into Brian’s armpit and his head on Brian’s chest.

‘Morning,’ Brian said softly and pressed a kiss on Justin’s forehead.

‘Mo’ning,’ Justin huffed, but didn’t open his eyes. Brian petted the brown, soft curls for a while and wondered what might be the best course of action. He didn’t want to freak Justin out, but at the same time he wanted to be the one to tell him the news.

‘Honey?’ Brian whispered against Justin’s forehead. The man smelled mostly of sleep, but a hint of fresh lime was lingering to his skin, reminding Brian of Alaska.

‘Hmm?’ Justin groaned.

‘How would you feel if I broadcasted it to the world, that I love you?’

Justin chuckled sleepily. ‘Proud.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah.’

Brian thought the idea over once more before reaching for his phone. He swiped the front  camera on and grinned at the screen, capturing not only his own cheeky expression, but also Justin sleeping against his naked chest. No flash.

Afterwards he made his way to Twitter and posted the picture with a very simple message:

  
**Twitter**

**Katya @ katya_zamo**

The T? With @Alaska5000 it’s not love, it’s primary care.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe it's over. I hope you liked the ending. Thank you for reading. xx

**Author's Note:**

> Liked the story?


End file.
